Feelings of Late

It's been a long time since I last wrote... and to be honest i'm not quite sure where to start.

I wish I could say that life is still fine, and normal. The truth is though, that life definately isnt happy, normal, fine or otherwise.

I've always said i never want to have regrets, and so far, while I have done stupid things I've suceeded in accepting them as part of myself, until now. Now I truly do have some regrets, and I hate it. I hate that I betrayed the most important person in the world to me, and that now my relationship with this person is in such a state of confusion, i dont think either of us really knows what we want to do, or even what we should do.

I love him, I love so much it hurts, and now I don't know how to let him go. I know I need to for his sake, but so much of me is tied to him I can't bear to not have contact with him, even if it is only when he gets angry.

I'm at a point where I can't comprehend what it would be to be intimate with someone else. I honestly don't think I genuinely could be intimate on the same level with someone else. I mean, I don't feel attracted to other people apart from just for friendship and conversation, I don't feel sexually or even emotionally attreacted to other people. . .

I want desperately to be able to feel his arms wrapped around me again, to feel his warmth, and to know that someone cares about me and loves me, even when it feels like no one else does. I Just wish I could do the same for him. But despite whatever I may actually feel, its having to prove it, and to have him believe it.

I know in my mind that to ever ask him back, to ask him to trust me again is impossible, but I have to hope. I have to believe that maybe one day he will come back. That one day he will want me again, becase if I don't have that hope I find it hard to just get by. At least if i can think 'maybe one day' thats enough to at least get me through the day. Even if it isn't healthy to have false hope, I need it now, because I don't have him.

So much is going through my mind, yet I'm thinking about nothing at all... Its all so confusing, and so hard to see him walk away again and again. I wish I could know what he's feeling or thinking to make it easier for him to walk away. Or maybe its just discipline. Either way I wish I could hug him and tell him its going to be alright... like I wish he would do for me... like i wish someone could do for me...