thoughts for today

My theory is:
Life is something that a mind and body get thrown into with no experience. They are then left to struggle with the already developed world around them, learning to cope, yet coping at the same time.

anyways, that was rather pointless.

i'm torn at the moment... i really dont know what i'm supposed to do. I've noticed a few things lately about people, and the way they behave, and its beginninng to worry me, and i desperatly want to try and help them, but i'm nervous of them pushing me away, and making the problem worse by interfering. Although at the same time, i feel obliged, being the person i am, to try and find out what the problem is.

i'm just getting scared, because i dont know how much i should allow myself to worry about other people, when i keep getting told i worry about ither people too much, and that i need to look after myself better. Although its not entirely my nature to do that at the moment.

Sigh, well i have a session with the councillor tomorrow, so that shall be good. I get the feeling family issues will be at the forefront of the conversation.

Ah well, no matter, i shall go sleep now, as mum and greg just got home... this shall be an interesting week of adjustment.
GOD DAMN I HATE BEING SO ADAPTABLE TO SITUATIONS I DON'T PARTICULARLY LIKE!!!!!

Three Ring Circus

Welcome to my Three Ring Circus of a Life!

I feel so lost. . . Everything seems so out of place, and disjointed. My life feels like a mess, yet its still managing to hold itself together, with such stubborness, that it doesnt look like it will ever fall apart completely. Which at the moment, i'm thinking might be the better option.

My dad is so frustrating, and draining, and its so damn hard! His drinking, its so unpredictable. ANd the issues its raised, and the contention it causes. i feel so alone, because mum knows things, and experiences it, and sees whats happeneing, but no longer tells me everything, and yet it still affects me. As well as the Greg situation, its becoming too hard, yet not so hard i can't appear to cope.

There are days when i just wish something would happen to break all this apart, and i know its horrible, but i just wish he, or she, could die, or go away, disapear, or something, and then i can grieve, and get over it. Not have this constant renewal of pain and frustration.

I feel like i have an obligation to be a 'good' daughter to both of them, and yet at the same time, i'm dying to break away from this life. i just want to run away...

Gregs moving in this weekend...
I don't know how i'll go with that... i really want everything to fall apart... it seems so much more appealing, and so much easier to deal with than this...

Death Monday... :(

Sigh, everthing always seems to go wrong at once. First Coco, and now Vanessa's Mum. Its so sad, and everthing is so sudden, i don't think any amount of knowledge or preparation can ever really prepare anyone for this kind of thing.

Its going to be a tough week, and hopefully this is just getting everything possible out of the way so as to allow for a clear run at the HSC, but still, one never knows what the next phone call is going to be.

They say that life is a journey, and that the destination is not that important, and i think they're right, the destination is the final conclusion. Its like the final bow before the end of the show, and the lights come back on. Then the audience leaves, and the actors have a hell of an after party :) well thats one way of looking at it. And with the analogy, life is a stage, i tg=hink it makes it a little easier for me to deal with.

I've booked in with the councillor for next tuesday, period 2, so that shall be good. so i have a week to decide how much i want to tell her. I told her this morning about Coco, so that leaves the rest to be pondered. I will tell her, i know that, just i want to figure out in my head a definitive way of saying it. Thats just the way i like to do thing i guess, i like to know what i want to say, and then i don't really care what i actually do say, or at least i don't mind as much if i get off track, because i know where i want to end up once i've finished talking.

Sigh, well i shall leave this here, i just wanted to update this on the latest news.

Ciao for now, mwa xoxo

not such a great night...

Ohk, the news just in, last night, i'm not entirely sure when, but Coco died. She had been sick for about a week, and the vets hadn't seen anything as far as i know, and Dad got home yesterday, and she had died....

Greg is moving in next weekend, and i want to die.

i seriously doubt now that mum is going to encourage this moving in with dad idea too. I don't know what to do, i feel quite shit, and its very frustrating.

Otheriwse, it seems everything is going haywire... this is the part i hate most about my life, everything is planned to be fine, and all nice and dandy, then it colllapses. Falls apart all around me. Presently i'm struggling to see through the dust and debris....

i wish i could run away...

if i don't write again for a while, well, i'll leave a forwarding address somewhere...

hey hey hey! 3 day weekend!

well the formal was awesome fun! it was a really great night.
It was so nice to hang out with everyone, and to just do whatever and all that. And now you all now know who Matt is, and hopefully you all liked him.
Afters we're uneventful, but enjoyable. And yesterday was spent sleeping it off.

now i am sitting here doing a lot of nothing much, mainly downloading music, and contemplating going into Chats to do the shopping i told mum i would, seeing as some of it is for my grandparents, and we're seeing them this afternoon, and hopefully borrowing the car.... eeek, driving lesson with mother....

honestly i don't know how much longer i'm going to survive here. I feel like i'm suffocating. I really want to move out, or move into somewhere bigger if i have to stay with mum. The whole situation with dad and moving, and the change of plans and such didnt help. Its partly my fault that its had such an effect on me, bsicaaly because i believed in it too much, and i didn't let myself look at the possibility of it falling through with any seriousness. So i wasn't prepared for it to collapse.

i just feel so restless and agitated. Its getting to me, and i'm nervous about going to see the school councillor, because i know that from an outsiders opinion, moving in with dad, is not what could be called the safest option... he had a drink last night too, we saw him at the train club, and well he was ok, just not good.

i understand mum's concerns about the moving thing, just i can't live here with greg. I just want to be with dad... even if he will drink i don't care. he needs someone with him, at least so he doesn't get so lonely.

although i know that it would put extra pressure on me throughout the HSC, and that it may jepordise my sanity, i dont care. I want to help him, and even if that means post poning my own agenda for a while, i dont mind, as long as it means i have him in my life that little bit longer. I just dont want to loose him.

he talks of not wanting to grow old, and its horrible to hear, but its impossible to miss, but thats part of the reason he's living the way he is, he doesn't want to survive to old age...

i haven't been to the councillor's in ages, and i'm wondering if i should go now. The trouble i'm having is, i dont know if i want her to know about this... i know she won't talk about it to Mrs Di or mum, but i'm pretty sure she'll encourage me to talk to mum, and/or dad. and i really dont want to do that.

i just don't know what i want to do, or what i should do; especially with the likelihood of greg of greg moving in in the next few weeks. I just do't want to be here. i really would like to run away, and just leave all this behind.

i've decided that, if i'm not out already, as soon as i can after i turn 18, i'm moving out of here as soon as possible

sigh, well i think thats enough ramble for the moment, i shall leave it there

bye all.

The Highs and Lows of Life

Well, i must say, there have been some definative highs and lows recently in my world.

Although i must say, there are some that are not going to be mentioned here... and hopefully will be forgotten by those who know...

Sigh, if you read this spot close to regularly, you might remember somthing about 'the happiest girl in the world' etc, due to the fact that the plan was to move in with my dad in january. Well that was a very high high. Which unfortunately has gone down hill rather rapidly in the past few days. Dad has not been in good shape lately, and has had more 'off' days than 'on'. Meaning, his drinking habit is not improving by any great deal. And so in light o fthis, mum said last night, that if things continue as they are, she won't be able to trust him to let me move in with him. Thus leaving me to reside at Chatswood.

To add to this dilema, Greg is probably going to move in within the next two weeks.

I'm not actually saying alot of this out loud, mainly because i'm scared that if i do, it will become more of the reality than it already is.

I'm hoping to talk to my dad soon, hopefully when he's sober, and talking to him. Hopefully if he knows whats at stake, he might find the resilience to pull through, at least for a while.

i have to admit i was scared of this happening when the arrangement was first thought of, cause i know that, even if he can stay above board for a while, there will always be slip ups. And even though i like to think that he doesn't drink as much or at all when i'm around, i know that its not always true.

I'm just hoping that by having someone with him, living with him, it might be the push that he needs, as well as the support he needs.

I have to say though that this is not the best start to year 12.....

btw, if you read this, i will talk about it, but i would rather not jinx it, and as i said, i'm scared that talking about it will make it more real than it already is. . .

Never fear though, if it gets to breaking point, i will get help, just not right now...

ciao for now....

first outings!

Last night was great fun, i stayed over at matts, and it was great, i mean the whole evening, playing ping pong with his dad and little bro, dinner, watching a movie, it was fun. then today we went out on the boat with dad, first day out of the season, and it was great. it was just nice and relaxing, and it was loverly! :P

so that is me for the moment, not alot else is new really...... but yeh anywyas dinner time now!

heheheh this is moi!

well shopping today at the mall was great, it was really fun :) and its sooo good! our eco club mural, actually looks decent now! it actually looks like something its supposed to! :P lol
:D i'm just so glad its all working out and looking good!
sigh, but playing halo with the guys is really quite fun! its almost addictive! :P its just so amusing to go around killing people! :D:D no of course i'm not sadistic!!!

... not much point to this post....

I wonder what these holidays shall birng...
hm well so far i have pianting on Tuesday, for eco club,
wednesday meeting up with joe, charlie and the hocolate factory and shopping :D
and some other things are happening i'm sure, so that shall be entertaining i'm sure!
ah well thats the way of the world at present. see how the rest of things develope :P

luv yas all!

OWOWOWOW Sore Feet!

omg! my feet are dead! dancing at Forest formal with Renay in heels for about 4 hours, and they hurt! my feet i mean...
but yeh, i know of some who disaproved of my dancing, and i know there will be criticism later i'm sure, but i don't care, i knew what i was doing, i intended what i was doing, and that was having fun!
Dancing is something that i enjoy, and if the music, environment, and dress call for it, then sure its going to get a bit raunchy, or as some would say, tasteless and slutty. but really who cared? no one was complaining. and i was enjoying myself with friends.
:D ah well now that i've said that in advance, there porbably won't be any need later, but oh well.

well i have found that playing Halo is quite fun, and should be done more often. :P lol and eco club painting on tuesday! :D i dont have a clue whats going to happen, but it shall be fun all the same :P

anyways, have fun for the holidays people! and all take care!

Ash! i hope you have a brilliant time in Fiji, enjoy the sun! it should prepare the killer of a summer we're to be expecting! :P

talk to ya peoples soon! :D