The trials are at halfway, and i have two exams to go...
I have ancient history tomorrow, which i really don't want to do. I hate it now, i'm so frustrated with it and it is driving me up the wall. Besides the fact that i can't do it, i'm finding it too much to remember. I then have Textiles on Friday, which is scary. Mainly because i'm not feeling confident about it as i used to.
I am also finding myself in a dilemma in that i don't know what i want to do after my HSC, and what i want to do about my dad and the rest of my family. As i have said repeatedly, when dad is fine, everything is good. When he isnt fine, everything goes to shite. I love him dearly, but there are moments when i just don't know what to do. I don't want to go stay with my mum, because of Greg, and there are times when i don't want to stay with dad, because of whats going on, and i don't want to look like i'm abandoning him too...
I'm in a state of indecision, and even then i can't decide whether i really am or not... or if its juts me having a 'wierd' moment. or a series of 'wierd' moments.
Ah well, i shall see how things develope...
cioa xoxo
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Friday, June 23, 2006
This is me, grieving
Well at 8.10 am Thursday June 23rd, Athol Carrington, my grandfather, passed away.
We knew it was coming, we just didn't know when. And now its happened, i don't know what i'm feeling. I cared for him, i know that. I'm glad he's gone though, if only for the fact that now he is no longer suffering. He was brilliant man, and even at the end, while he lost it a bit, was still articulate and with it. Which i think almost makes it harder to believe he's gone.
The third death in a year within my friendship group, i'm finding it hard to tell people whats going on. I just want them to know, to be aware, and to let me work through it my way. I know the first day isn't going to be the worst, but i wish i could grieve for him and let evrything else not worry me.
But with dad and the way things are i don't know whats going to happen now...
We knew it was coming, we just didn't know when. And now its happened, i don't know what i'm feeling. I cared for him, i know that. I'm glad he's gone though, if only for the fact that now he is no longer suffering. He was brilliant man, and even at the end, while he lost it a bit, was still articulate and with it. Which i think almost makes it harder to believe he's gone.
The third death in a year within my friendship group, i'm finding it hard to tell people whats going on. I just want them to know, to be aware, and to let me work through it my way. I know the first day isn't going to be the worst, but i wish i could grieve for him and let evrything else not worry me.
But with dad and the way things are i don't know whats going to happen now...
Thursday, June 22, 2006
i don't know if i can say it...
I'm tired. And i'm not coping with mum, dad and greg. I don't know what i can do now to make things better, because i don't feel that moving back to chatswood has helped. I'm just as tired as i was, i may have moments where i can concentrate more in class, but in comparison i really don't know how mauch affect even that is having on my marks etc. My last english assessment cam back better than i thought it would, but still not great. Although that was from before the move.
In chatswood i never feel totally comfortable. "my room" is not my room, and there is nothing of me in there anymore it seems. Its only my desk and my bags. I don't want to make it permanent either. I know, however, that i cant make a move back to dads permanent either. I don't know where to go. I feel like i've lost everywhere that was a home, and now i'm just moving between bases. I don't feel comfortable at forestville, because of dad, and i don't know what i'm ghoing to do for the rest of this year, and next year and beyond.
I don't know if i can keep going doing this. but i don't have much alternative considering the circumstances... i still don't know if i'm ready to ask for help again though....
In chatswood i never feel totally comfortable. "my room" is not my room, and there is nothing of me in there anymore it seems. Its only my desk and my bags. I don't want to make it permanent either. I know, however, that i cant make a move back to dads permanent either. I don't know where to go. I feel like i've lost everywhere that was a home, and now i'm just moving between bases. I don't feel comfortable at forestville, because of dad, and i don't know what i'm ghoing to do for the rest of this year, and next year and beyond.
I don't know if i can keep going doing this. but i don't have much alternative considering the circumstances... i still don't know if i'm ready to ask for help again though....
Sunday, June 04, 2006
One Crowded Hour by Augie March
Should you expect to see something that you hadn't seen
In somebody you'd known since you were sixteen;
if love is a bolt from the blue, then what is that bolt but a glorified screw?
and that doesn't hold nothing together
Far from these nonsense bars and their nowhere music it's making me sick
And I know it's making you sick
There's nothing there, it's like eating air
It's like drinking gin with nothing else in
That doesn't hold me together.
But for one crowded hour, you were the only one in the room
And I sailed around all those bumps in the night to your beacon in the gloom
I thought I had found my golden September in the middle of that purple June
But one crowded hour would lead to my wreck and ruin
Now I know you like your boys to take their medicine
From the bowl with a silver spoon
Run away with the dish and scare the fish by the silvery light of the moon
Who were taught from the womb to believe to the tune
In as far as their bleeding eyes see
Is a pleasure pen, meant for them, built for and rent for them
Not for the likes of me
Not for the like of you and me
And for one crowded hour, you were the only one in the room
And I sailed around all those bumps in the night to your beacon in the gloom
I thought I had found my golden September in the middle of that purple June
But one crowded hour would lead to my wreck and ruin
Oh but the green-eyed harpy of the songland
She takes into hers my hand
She says, "Boy I know you're lying
Oh but then, so am I,"
And to that I said "Oh well."
They put me in a cage full of lions, I learned to speak lion
In fact I know the language well
I picked it up while I was versing myself in the languages they speak in hell
That night, the silence gave birth to a baby
They took it away to her silent dismay
And they raised it to be lady
Now she can't keep her mouth shut
But for one crowded hour, you were the only one in the room
And I sailed around all those bumps in the night to your beacon in the gloom
I thought I had found my golden September in the middle of that purple June
But one crowded hour would lead to my wreck and ruin
One crowded hour, you were the only one in the room
Well I played a few songs for those bumps in the night
In fact I played this very tune
You said, "What is this six-stringed instrument but an adolescent loom?"
And one crowded hour would lead to my wreck and ruin.
In somebody you'd known since you were sixteen;
if love is a bolt from the blue, then what is that bolt but a glorified screw?
and that doesn't hold nothing together
Far from these nonsense bars and their nowhere music it's making me sick
And I know it's making you sick
There's nothing there, it's like eating air
It's like drinking gin with nothing else in
That doesn't hold me together.
But for one crowded hour, you were the only one in the room
And I sailed around all those bumps in the night to your beacon in the gloom
I thought I had found my golden September in the middle of that purple June
But one crowded hour would lead to my wreck and ruin
Now I know you like your boys to take their medicine
From the bowl with a silver spoon
Run away with the dish and scare the fish by the silvery light of the moon
Who were taught from the womb to believe to the tune
In as far as their bleeding eyes see
Is a pleasure pen, meant for them, built for and rent for them
Not for the likes of me
Not for the like of you and me
And for one crowded hour, you were the only one in the room
And I sailed around all those bumps in the night to your beacon in the gloom
I thought I had found my golden September in the middle of that purple June
But one crowded hour would lead to my wreck and ruin
Oh but the green-eyed harpy of the songland
She takes into hers my hand
She says, "Boy I know you're lying
Oh but then, so am I,"
And to that I said "Oh well."
They put me in a cage full of lions, I learned to speak lion
In fact I know the language well
I picked it up while I was versing myself in the languages they speak in hell
That night, the silence gave birth to a baby
They took it away to her silent dismay
And they raised it to be lady
Now she can't keep her mouth shut
But for one crowded hour, you were the only one in the room
And I sailed around all those bumps in the night to your beacon in the gloom
I thought I had found my golden September in the middle of that purple June
But one crowded hour would lead to my wreck and ruin
One crowded hour, you were the only one in the room
Well I played a few songs for those bumps in the night
In fact I played this very tune
You said, "What is this six-stringed instrument but an adolescent loom?"
And one crowded hour would lead to my wreck and ruin.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Last Day of May
Well its the last day of may, and i am tired. I'm tired of being and doing everything i am. I am in a state of mind where i no longer care about getting a UAI, or any other form of acedemic excellence. I'm tired of looking after dad, and i'm tired of dealing with assessments while dad is under the weather. I'm frustrated at my own lack of time management skills. Mum is telling me i should slow down with my social life and concentrate on school, as it really is only a short time, and her inference that there will be plenty of time afterwards to party and all that. But i don't agree, i'm happy with spending more time with my friends than studying, because they're more important to me, and i know that after this year, i'll probably loose contact with most of them and never see them again. Thats not something i look forward to.
I'm sitting in the library at the momentt, and i'm freezing my but off. I'm finding it ironic how on the day i feel like a raindrop, falling through the sky towards my imminent end, it rains. I'm waiting fro tom to finish working on his industrial technology project so we can go get some lunch, and i'm trying to get some english extension two work done. Its slowly happening i think.
In anycase i bid you adieu, and i shall trudge forward through this drudgery we call life.
I'm sitting in the library at the momentt, and i'm freezing my but off. I'm finding it ironic how on the day i feel like a raindrop, falling through the sky towards my imminent end, it rains. I'm waiting fro tom to finish working on his industrial technology project so we can go get some lunch, and i'm trying to get some english extension two work done. Its slowly happening i think.
In anycase i bid you adieu, and i shall trudge forward through this drudgery we call life.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Sorry for lack of blogging...
Well as of 26th April there is a new goldie to add to the list. Juanita. Baby girl, now my niece, born to Jess and Laurence.
In other news, everything is fine, i'm going for my p's in just under a week. Monday 29th at 9.50. so that shall be good.
I have ross's party this saturday 3 pieces of clothing, shall be interesting :P And that day renay and i are going shopping... :P
i still dont know for sure what i'm going to wear... but that shalll be decided on the day i think :P
in anycase, i must stopp procrastinating, and get back to my extension two english major work.... which by the way is going great, unlike my textiles major work.
In other news, everything is fine, i'm going for my p's in just under a week. Monday 29th at 9.50. so that shall be good.
I have ross's party this saturday 3 pieces of clothing, shall be interesting :P And that day renay and i are going shopping... :P
i still dont know for sure what i'm going to wear... but that shalll be decided on the day i think :P
in anycase, i must stopp procrastinating, and get back to my extension two english major work.... which by the way is going great, unlike my textiles major work.
Sunday, April 30, 2006
News Update :P
Well it seems its been about 2 weeks since my last post, it would appear time slipped my notice. in any case, i go back to school on tuesday...
in other news, mum and i went to melbourne for three days, which was lovely. i bought a skirt, jacket, pair of jeans, and stockings whilst south of the border :P and it was a nice few days away.
Tom and i went on a "break", it lasted less than i expected, but i'm glad its over and we're happy and fine again :)
dad is doing fine since i got back from melb, he had a slip up the night we got back, but has otherwise been relatively ok.
thats about all thats happened, tom bought an iPod Nano today... during our second trip to chatswood. but yeh it was cool.
so nothing much else to report, i shall blog again soonish hopefully :)
in other news, mum and i went to melbourne for three days, which was lovely. i bought a skirt, jacket, pair of jeans, and stockings whilst south of the border :P and it was a nice few days away.
Tom and i went on a "break", it lasted less than i expected, but i'm glad its over and we're happy and fine again :)
dad is doing fine since i got back from melb, he had a slip up the night we got back, but has otherwise been relatively ok.
thats about all thats happened, tom bought an iPod Nano today... during our second trip to chatswood. but yeh it was cool.
so nothing much else to report, i shall blog again soonish hopefully :)
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Evening entertainments
Well it is now officially the holidays, and its a great feeling knowing i can sleep in the morning without the thought of an alarm waking me up.
quite honestly i think i've started the holidays in a rather self clensing mode...
I told dad this evening that i occasionally smoke, and it was a great relief for me to tell him. Surprisingly he was more ok with it than i thought he would be. So now i'm allowed to smoke, as long as it doesnt become an addiction, which i have no intention of letting it.
so dads fine basically, just working out a balance at the moment i think. So we shall see how things with that goes.
In other news, well there isn't much, apart from that i'm going to Melbourne for 3 days in a week, and that Jessica, my sister in law is about due to pop with her second child. :) and i've lost at scrabble twice to Tom now, and twice in a row, once to Tom and tonight to dad... not a good outlook it would seem :P
So adieu and good night. I shall blog again soon.
quite honestly i think i've started the holidays in a rather self clensing mode...
I told dad this evening that i occasionally smoke, and it was a great relief for me to tell him. Surprisingly he was more ok with it than i thought he would be. So now i'm allowed to smoke, as long as it doesnt become an addiction, which i have no intention of letting it.
so dads fine basically, just working out a balance at the moment i think. So we shall see how things with that goes.
In other news, well there isn't much, apart from that i'm going to Melbourne for 3 days in a week, and that Jessica, my sister in law is about due to pop with her second child. :) and i've lost at scrabble twice to Tom now, and twice in a row, once to Tom and tonight to dad... not a good outlook it would seem :P
So adieu and good night. I shall blog again soon.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
Remember, remember, the 5th of November...
Well the funeral was yesterday, and as far as funerals go, it was really nice. Everyone really tried to make it a happy celebration of the wonderful life of an extraordinary woman. I don't have much to say about it, but i did cry, and it was, i think, the beginning of me accepting she is really gone. Dad went to see her in the coffin, i'm sad i didn't have the nerve. not with mum there.
After the funeral, Ken, Megan, Mum, Dad and I went back to the factory, had lunch with Craig, and then Ian my sisters ex-boyfriend from years and years ago dropped in to say hi, and yeh, well that was slightly odd... but then dad and i went home, and i had a driving lesson, which went a lot better than my first. Now i'm booked in for two lessons next week. Dads booking me in for my test soon. Then last night, Tom, Monty, Ross and I went to Chatswood to see "V for Vendetta" which was a really awesome movie. After Ross dropped Tom and I back home, and Tom and i sat with dad watching the end of a Dave Allen video, which was really funny.
Tom stayed over, and today we just loafed around home all day, and i did some textiles work, and things like that. Then tom beat me at scrabble.... wasn't too happy about that, but its all good i suppose... maybe...
in any case, good night, i must go, so i shall blog again soon i hope :)
After the funeral, Ken, Megan, Mum, Dad and I went back to the factory, had lunch with Craig, and then Ian my sisters ex-boyfriend from years and years ago dropped in to say hi, and yeh, well that was slightly odd... but then dad and i went home, and i had a driving lesson, which went a lot better than my first. Now i'm booked in for two lessons next week. Dads booking me in for my test soon. Then last night, Tom, Monty, Ross and I went to Chatswood to see "V for Vendetta" which was a really awesome movie. After Ross dropped Tom and I back home, and Tom and i sat with dad watching the end of a Dave Allen video, which was really funny.
Tom stayed over, and today we just loafed around home all day, and i did some textiles work, and things like that. Then tom beat me at scrabble.... wasn't too happy about that, but its all good i suppose... maybe...
in any case, good night, i must go, so i shall blog again soon i hope :)
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