Feelings of Late

It's been a long time since I last wrote... and to be honest i'm not quite sure where to start.

I wish I could say that life is still fine, and normal. The truth is though, that life definately isnt happy, normal, fine or otherwise.

I've always said i never want to have regrets, and so far, while I have done stupid things I've suceeded in accepting them as part of myself, until now. Now I truly do have some regrets, and I hate it. I hate that I betrayed the most important person in the world to me, and that now my relationship with this person is in such a state of confusion, i dont think either of us really knows what we want to do, or even what we should do.

I love him, I love so much it hurts, and now I don't know how to let him go. I know I need to for his sake, but so much of me is tied to him I can't bear to not have contact with him, even if it is only when he gets angry.

I'm at a point where I can't comprehend what it would be to be intimate with someone else. I honestly don't think I genuinely could be intimate on the same level with someone else. I mean, I don't feel attracted to other people apart from just for friendship and conversation, I don't feel sexually or even emotionally attreacted to other people. . .

I want desperately to be able to feel his arms wrapped around me again, to feel his warmth, and to know that someone cares about me and loves me, even when it feels like no one else does. I Just wish I could do the same for him. But despite whatever I may actually feel, its having to prove it, and to have him believe it.

I know in my mind that to ever ask him back, to ask him to trust me again is impossible, but I have to hope. I have to believe that maybe one day he will come back. That one day he will want me again, becase if I don't have that hope I find it hard to just get by. At least if i can think 'maybe one day' thats enough to at least get me through the day. Even if it isn't healthy to have false hope, I need it now, because I don't have him.

So much is going through my mind, yet I'm thinking about nothing at all... Its all so confusing, and so hard to see him walk away again and again. I wish I could know what he's feeling or thinking to make it easier for him to walk away. Or maybe its just discipline. Either way I wish I could hug him and tell him its going to be alright... like I wish he would do for me... like i wish someone could do for me...

The world as it was. The world as it is.

I've found myself reflecting on the past year recently. News that the HSC exams are on once again makes me realise how long its been since i sat those horrible things.

Back then there were no full time jobs, you could party, go to the beach in the afternoon, and i still believe that they were some of the best times of my life. I'm only sad they couldn't last longer.

Now it seems that to organise something it takes so much more effort to get everyone there, due to work, living circumstances, and so on. Its a natural progression, but one I'm sad to see happen so soon.

Although, life is good. I'm happy with my life and hope it continues running the course its on. I don't find that looking back on the past few years makes me regret anything, i just wished it had lasted a little longer.

mm, ciao my lovlies.

its been forever!

wow.. its been two months, and i had almost totally forgot about this place!

well as you would imagine a lot has changed, Tom is now working with my dad. I'm working in a luggage and handbag shop. and neither of us are going to tafe etc, just cruising until the end of the year.

Moved house, and it was ok for the first while, until dad started drinking again, but he's a lot better now, he went into a three week detox and rehabilitation program, which did him wonders, he's been sober now for easily a month, and is still going strong.

and tom just got out of the shower, and magically somehow, knew i was blogging, even though i haven't in like forever!!!
:P weird!


oh well time to go and be domesticated... ie make dinner:P

btw i got my green p's!!!
:D so happy! HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY!

:) LOVE YOU ALL!!! (whoever reads this that is :P :S)

Wow, its been a long time since i last blogged!

A lot has changed... Dad and i are moving to Telopea, the house went through and we should be moving around the 18th May.

I am planning on withdrawing from uni, and working until the end of the year and trying a few different short courses at tafe, then maybe settling into a longer tafe course next year.

On Saturday mum and i are doing a beading/jewelery making course, which shall be fun.

Tom's doing fine, looking at options with tafe and things, due to the fact his tafe course is giving him the shits. seeing as no one is there to teach it etc.

and well yeah, that just about covers it i think. briefly and in a nutshell anyways.

Ciao, xoxo

1 assessment down...

Well the first assignment is in and done, the next one is due in a couple of weeks... and well yeah uni is going along as it should i suppose. I still don't know if its what i want to do entirely, so I'm having this inner conflict over whether i want to drop out at the end of the year/semester... its more due to the fact that I'm getting bored with the constant reading and nothing practical to do. but on Saturday Tom and i are going out to a wreckers and getting some car seats, so by next week I'll have something practical to work on as an outlet thankfully :) and it'll be good to try something new as well.

We're still waiting to hear about the house in Telopea... the residents are waiting until they get some test results back, so i think thats in a few Mondays time... in anycase, we shall wait and see.

In other news, Vanessa and Kelly's joint 18th party was awesome. Lots of fun memories! :P

and yeah... :P

Uni, life and everything else!

Well my uni timetable goes something like this... Communication and Information environments on Monday, Power and Change in Australia on Tuesday, Rethinking Culture on Wednesday, and Writing: Style and Structure on Friday. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday I'm there in the mornings, 9am until about 12. Fridays I'm there for a 9 am lecture and a 2 hour workshop which starts at 1pm.

Overall everything seems pretty ok. Fridays are the favourite at the moment, as all the rest is a bit academic and standardised. At the moment the only thing that seems a bit overwhelming is all the reading that has to be done in order to comprehend the lectures and tutorials.

In other news, Heath's birthday is this Friday, which i will be late to due to hip hop class, and Emmy's is on Saturday, at which time i will be working, and so will also arrive late... ah well 'tis no matter, at least i have an excuse not to drink! :) Ashleigh and I are also going shopping tomorrow, although I'm not sure where yet, we haven't quite decided :P

Dads not been good lately, and Lisa has disappeared, and i have no idea where the Landcruiser is either, which is slightly disconcerting. but its dads business, and up to him to sort it out. (even though he gets constant coaching and support from mum, Christine and myself...)

Well thats me, Night!
Sheri xoxo

First Day Of University

Well, today was fun... sort of.

Dad gave me a lift to Chatswood so I ended up being an hour early at UTS. It was good because it meant I wasn't rushing around looking for where I was supposed to be. Which was in the Gunthrie Theatre anyways, which I didn't realise, nor did many other people at first. But in the end it was fine and got there and out without much effort.

The lecture itself was pretty general. It basically outlined what the subject was about, what we were going to be covering in the subject, and just a general introduction to Communication and Information Environments...

The Tutorial was a lot easier to find, and it was pretty interesting. I have this Chinese guy taking our group. He's pretty funny, and is fairly relaxed which is nice. His name is Collin. It was good because there were three other girls who i met who seem nice. I know one was Shannon, one was Alex, and I can't for the life of me remember the other girls name. There are about 23 people in the tutorial class.

The readings is the only really daunting thing so far, but it looks like its fairly interesting stuff, and also related to some of the extension English stuff we were doing last year, which is a bit of a bonus.

In any case, I have reading to do, and notes to summarise :P

P.S. I have no idea what tomorrows subject is... wait and see!

University

Well Uni starts tomorrow... shall be interesting... I've got mixed feelings about starting. I'm glad to finally get started and start doing something, but at the same time I'm apprehensive over what it has in store for me..

In other news... well Tom and I are now doing fine it seems, a few hiccups with another person who i won't mention put things on the rocks for a while, but it all seems ok now.

I shall blog tomorrow and let you know how uni goes for the first day :)

Ciao xoxo

Just a note

It's raining... and its humid, but its good to hear the rain in such profusion...

In other news, i'm getting apprehensive over my uni orientation which is starting tomorrow. I'm interested to see how it goes, but its scaryto note how quickly a change in my lifestyle will have to come about.

my timetable is looking very vacant... i have morning classes on monday, tuesday, and wednesday, then an afternoon on friday... so i'm going to find some kind of work to fit in around that.


Shall be interesting anyways...

ciao.. xoxo

Midday Ponderings

Well Ken has moved to Melbourne, I’m not sure if it’s permanent or temporary. Either way I’m sad about it. It was really good for the short time he was staying with dad and me at Forestville. He was able to help out with keeping the house tidy, and also helping with Dad. Which was the biggest bonus, I could go out, knowing that someone else was also thinking about Dad and looking out for him. It was really nice.

I’m becoming increasingly fed up with my situation, and I would really like to change it, however due to finances I doubt that will happen anytime soon. Basically I want to move out, but can’t afford it, even if I tried with someone else, I doubt I would be able to do it…

I start university on the 26^th Feb. It’s really quite scary… I have orientation from the twelfth, which shall be fun… I have a series of things to go to so as to help me, the student, become acquainted with the university and the course I will be doing and the faculty I will be working in. Shall be an interesting endeavour.

In other news, well there isn’t much other news.

Ciao! xoxo

Car Dreams

well despite my indecision until now, i have decided on what i want my next car to be...

a Toyota MR-2, not the 2003 model as theyre $30,000+ but i like the look of the 1990 models, similar to the celica's, but with a targa top, different back end, and its a mid mounted engine with rear wheel drive.

By the time i attain this i hope to have mastered driving a manual.

so thats the goal. i just have to start saving for it :)

ps. kens wedding is cancelled :(

I'm Cut Adrift...

Floating out to sea on the tide. Following the world around me mindlessly not questioning and not knowing where it is taking me. I don't like it.

I've reached the point where i need to start making decisions about my future and where i want to go, and what i want to do. I don't know the answer to either of those questions. its frustrating.

Soon i will find answers i hope...

News for now :P

Well due to all the partying and such i have been extremely slack in blogging.. to date, shcoolies my 18th and monty's will all pass without due recognition on this here blog. SO i shall endeavour for some quick summaries now..

SCHOOLIES:
Great fun, fishing, sunbaking, gokarting, it was awesome. Playing King of Beers, breaking up, and getting back together with Tom, meeting randoms at a beach party. Fishing almost every day, then hiring a tinny and only catching 2 baby snapper. A BBQ with some beautiful steak. Movies, drinking dancing and general festivities, a wonderfully fun week all up!

MY 18TH PARTY:
Dinner at the RMYC, great fun drinking and hanging out with people, seeing Juanita my niece for the first time! A fun and mostly tame night, until people came back to forestville. . . Then Tom got rather smashed, and had some great times with my brother ken, and friends. Ken's hole is still in the front lawn from his standstill.

MONTY'S:
Still not sure whats gonna happen, but shall be fun nonetheless. Going down to the pub with him and ppl later this evening for drinks and food.

ciao beautifuls xoxo

WOOHOO!!!

ZOMG!!! I'M 18 TODAY!!! :D yay for me!

lil update

Well it has indeed been a long time since i last blogged... mainly due in part to being on schoolies for the past week! Let me say it was awesome. I'll blog again soon to update on the details, and photos will be appearing on my piczo site once i fix it up properly. Other news is that welll... formal was amazing, floating around Sydney Harbour on the Glass Island was really special. Again, photos will be likely to appear on my piczo. In anycase, i'm going to go play with photos and be back later! :)

An Excerpt from "Rose and Ophelia"

People are entering the streets as I unlock the front door to the shop. A jogger passes by and Rose, sitting by me feet, sniffs in his direction. I step into the shop, followed by Rose, who lightly pats her way around the shelves until she reaches her corner. She sits on her cushion and watches me as I move about the shop checking the shelves, and turning the sign on the door to ‘Open.’ I pour out a dish of water for Rose; she sniffs at it tentatively before lapping quietly. The morning passes slowly, Sally is out of town for the week, and so I’m on my own. The clock ticks over to 11:03 and Greg walks in the door. Rose lifts her head in recognition as he passes. Greg’s a regular patron and visits the shop about once a week during his lunch-break. He walks to the counter “Hi Ophelia, how are we today?” he asks casually, I reply “Slow, but it’s to be expected. Are you looking for a book?” he laughs softly and nods, “I am actually, for my son. He still doesn’t want to read much, that book on cars didn’t keep his interest long.” I nod to him I’m familiar with the story. Stepping from behind the counter, I lead Greg through the shop; I say, “For a boy to not enjoy cars and bikes, he must be special”. Standing in the fiction section of the shop, I scan the titles. “He’ll probably be interested in something very different to other boys his age, so let’s try something new.” Selecting a medium sized novel, I hand it to Greg. “It’s a fantasy/mystery; it might be more appealing to him than motors.” I watch as Greg slowly reads the blurb on the back. “Weren’t you going to bring in some of your own stories to try on him?” He smiles and I consider letting him, “Not just yet”, I respond”, Try him on this first, and we’ll see how we go.” I smile politely and walk back to the counter. Greg stays a moment before following. He pays for the book, and declining a bag, he walks out the door. I’m not sure Greg, or his son is ready for my style of writing, which is why I don’t let either of them read it. I’ll let them when they’re ready. Until then I bide my time.

The remainder of the day passes uneventfully, the clock on the wall reaches eight minutes to five; I begin to shut things down. Rose sits up and arches her back yawning, “Alright for some of us” I say to her, she sits and looks back at me, licks her nose and pads her way to sit by my satchel. I walk around the shelves one final time, tidying the shelves. Then I hear the front door open, I walk to the end of the shelves, and say, “Can I help you with anything?” A young girl greets me, she appears to be about my age, possibly younger, her hair is long, and her clothes are all black. Despite her clothes, she doesn’t appear to be gothic but there is something different about this girl, she smiles and me, and quietly she asks, “Umm, is it all right for me to have a quick look around?” I glance up at the clock, five to five, “Sure,” I reply, “Are you looking for anything in particular?” the young girl shakes her head, I nod and smile, and walk back to the counter. I watch her move to the non-fiction side of the shop and peruse the titles. She reaches out to pick one up, but stops mid flight. A young man enters the store, and nodding to me, walks over to her. The girl has let her hand drop, and she turns to face this lad. I recognize him as a local waiter; He speaks softly to the girl, she nods her head, and the young lad walks out the door.

Then it hits me, it’s her eyes that are different, dark brown in color, her eyelashes are thick, and her brows are perfectly shaped. None of this is particularly unusual, but it’s the deep, dark sadness lurking in those deep brown eyes that strikes you. Even as she smiles, the sadness doesn’t disappear. The young girl walks to the counter, and I ask softly, “Can I help you?” The girl looks down at her hands and says, “Umm, yes, that was Darien, and he want to know; Are you Ophelia?” I nod silently, wondering why he wants to know such a thing. The girl looks up at me and says, “Ok, and umm, he asked if you would let him read some of your stories sometime?” A little surprised, I respond, “I don’t know if he’s ready for my stories yet, but how does he know I write?” The young girl appears uncomfortable with the question, and I wonder if she will answer it. Finally, she breathes in and says, “I don’t know how he knows, but I know that he wants to ask you for help eventually. I’m not sure what he wants you to do, but it’s for the Prince of the Night, my grandfather. Apparently your parents were involved with the vampires and the crows, and Darien wants your help to find Lexus.” The girl meets my eyes, and I can barely utter a word, “Who? How? What?” I say as I meet her sad eyes with my confused thoughts, “I don’t know what you’re on about, vampires, princes, it means nothing to me.” The young girl sighs and looks at her hands again. Placing them folded on the counter, she mutters something under her breath, slowly she opens her hands and where they had laid, a beautiful blossom now rested. I’m glad for the seat under me; I can barely believe the feat I had just witnessed. Quietly the girl utters something else, and the blossom begins to grow, slowly at first, its blood red petals rising through the air, below it extends a luminous green stem. Leaves begin to sprout and the whole flower floats before my eyes. Gently, the young girl’s hands clasp the flower stem, and her head lifts. Her eyes meet mine, and she lays the flower down on the counter. In a voice soft, yet clear she says, “You’re the Daughter of the Night, you may not realize it, but after a few days, you shall. Tonight take the flower home, by tomorrow morning you shall understand better.” After saying these enigmatic words, the young girl walked out of the shop and onto the street. I watch her walk down the street, and I suddenly have the urge to follow her. I run out the door, but I can see no sign of the girl or Darien. Sighing heavily, I return inside, pick up my satchel, turn out the lights and slowly walk out the door.

Heres hoping...

well only one exam left, and i'm praying i haven't completely blown it...

2 to go....

Well i have two exams left, and i'm feeling ok about them. Not so sure about extension, but i still have time at least.

Last night was fun, ppl came over and watched movies, and i unfortunaty had a bit much to drink, and was in fits of giggles for a large part of the night. However a good night indeed.

Current;y i am considering going for a bath, and chilling out while my head is still in the process of recovering... :P

in anycase, not much else is new, apart from planning my 18th! :D It's so exciting!!! :P

Exams... 4 to go!

OK, almost have english out of the way, only the extension exam to go, and thank god i have four days beforehand free in which to prepare. Wednesday is Ancient History, Friday is Business Services, then the following Friday is Extension followed by Textiles on the Monday.

Today was English paper two, a bitch of a paper, and i only realise now what the last question meant after it was pointed out by a Standard English student... i feel rather small...

In other news, i have just attended a Storm Financial Information evening, a very interesting night, and a very interesting perspective on how to make money work. Mainly about investing money in shares, and about doing it safely so that even if everything crashes, you have a way out that pays off any money you borrow investing. So basically you borrow to invest, but the investment pays itself off in the long run... Mum and dad are setting up an account for my birthday for me, but keeping it in trust until i'm 28 or something, which will be very beneficial further down the track.

In anycase, sleep beckons, and i bid you adieu!
xoxox

Sometimes...

Sometimes i just feel like crying. i don't know why, i just do. and nothing helps until i cry.
I want to feel loved, desperately.
I don't want to feel alone, even when surrounded by people.
I want to escape from my life, and get away. I want to go somewhere away from everyone.
I hate myself for being selfish.
I hate myself for hating myself...