chess....

Life is a complicated game of chess. continual movement of pieces across a board, however, unlike conventional chess, this new game doesn't have two minds pitted against each other. In actual fact, an number of minds may lay seige to the play. Aliegences are made and broken constantly. A king, searches for his queen, and finding her, they stand united. However, this does not make them any stronger or weaker than other players. its how the use their union, and their respect for that reunion that changes the balance of the game. But all this ceaseless prattle is pointless, like the thoughts which run through my mind constantly, and trigger me. How can i be so consumed by hate, that i'm scared to be without it. how can i have come so far, and not realise that my entire reason for living revolved aroun the anxiety of living? wishes to die were contradicted by my will to live and endure the other sufferings. i wanted to feel pain. It hurt me awfully, but it made me feel alive. I'm not talking pysical pain, but the emotional pain. That heart wrenching, bleeding, torn, massacred emotion which so consumes me now. Hate and anger rule me, almost entirely. I am happy, i enjoy my life, but in the constant movement of the chess piesces, and the constant changes, how can i be sure of where i shall lay foundations.... i long to be free, i long to be free from freedom. Honestly, freedom is a wonderful thing, except for me, its lost its shine. I don't want to wholey independent, i want to be something different to what i've been programmed to be... but i don't know how.