well i have approx 7 minutes

yes as i said i have only about 7 minutes to write this blog, as i am blogging before i leave home, to go to ashleighs to go to school. Yesterday was fun though, we went shopping at the mall, and it was really good to have time just ourselves, even though we love all our frinds, its hard sometimes to talk with everyone there....
in anycase, i will blog some of my poems i think, but i'm just going to publish the ones that are user freindly so to speak fo the moment.
Last night i was thinking actually, that it would be funny if i typed a blog entirely without spaces! how fun would that be to read! it'd be like me talking just in type!
likeheyhowareyou?ohthatsgoodwellyouknowwhati'mhyperoncoffeeandihave
threeperiodswithmsstevenstodayanditsgonnasuck!
ok well thats a slight problem, that it won't go on to the next line, but anyway! doesn't matter.
in anycase, its about time for me to go, so i'll see you all later!
luv ya xoxoxo!

Poetry

Well people how are we all? good? good :) glad to hear it, oh what? your not good? well sorry i don't want to know you if your not good! :P ;)

Ok girly but out! this is my blog space!

lol, little happy at the moment :) anyways, despite it all dad is still ok, his slip up didn't actually affect much in his progress. so that was good :) and we went there last night for dinner, which was cool, and scrabble :D

but on to the part that is relevant to the title of this blog note. i'm so happy, or at least relieved, that i've been able to start writing again. my subject matter is still a bit hazy, and i'm still just beginning to get back into it, but i'm writing poetry agian. my stories are going to take a little more to get back into, but i'm working towards it :P

in anycase, that is all for now. i'm considering posting some of my poems, but i'm undecided, i'll let u know if i do :P

luv ya! xoxoxox

I'm sorry for this idea which i started

i hate feeling like crap, it almost feels like its contaigous. Really, i started going into depression in year 8, when mum and dad tried to live together again, and after falling through, we moved in w/ her bf for a while whilst we moved houses. I got really down, and even though i didn't realise it at the time, that was the beginning of my desscent. i stayed off school for about 4 days. and just slept for almost the entire time. Mum and i move into our own place, but it still continues, even though i have a period of about 4-5 months where everything was ok, but then i don't know what happened. I fell, and i fell hard, (metaphorically speaking) thats when the cutting first started. andre tried to help me, and succeeded for a time. so the cutting stopped for a while.
then in year 9, i went downhill again for a while, but not as bad i guess, and i was pulled out of that reletively easily.
then year 10. year 10 was the worst so far. i fell further than ever, and i hate to admit it, but i almost found some enjoyment in it. the way i was, i was consumed by darkness, and i had that constant substnace to draw on, to ensure my survival. even though i wanted to die, i knew even then, that life does go on, and doesnt have to end just because of something small, or big or whatever.
despite this, the cuts were deeper, and there were more of them. the blood was there and so was the emotion. the poems were there, and so were the stories.
i fell, and even though i recovered somewhat, i don't know if i'll ever recover fully. once you go to a place like that, you never forget how to get there, and there is nothing to stop you, apart from yourself, from going back.
i wish i could let myself go back sometimes, but i know what that would do. i know that that is giing in to this world, and forfieting the argument, loosing the arguement, which is something i cant stand.
This is what scares me with some other people i know, because i know everyone thinks differently, but i do know that once there, there is no way that place ever leaves you. whcih is why i'm worried when people want to go there, seemingly, just for the sake of it.....
the thing is, it feels like i was the one who started a huge chain reaction, i was the first to fall of our groups, and then like dominos people fell after me, there was ash, and nat, and then there was cassy, and anika, who while having their own issues, only seemed to consider dying after i did. I know i shouldn't blame myself, but i feel really guilty at putting this image of suicide into peoples heads...
sorry everyone..... it'll be over soon.

i will.... i promise...

hey, well i'm feeling a bit better today, but not alot, seeing as i'm home, and mum in out, and i'm stuck here with greg..... :( it sucks. thanks for ur support guys, i love u all! but really, i am ok, just not feeling too crash hot due to people and thoughts....... in any case, i will get through this! i know i will, just there are minor issues which i need to work through....
i will get through this

Tears

I used to cry over alot of things, now i cry because i have nothing to cry over.

i have nothing, yet everything to write about. Although nothing is driving me to write. i have so little left in me, i feel lost. like i'm swimming inside the cavern of my body, so small, not fitting in the space i used to accomodate.

Although i have so much to write about, i don't know if i could, i'm almost too scared to start writing, even though i desire it so much! honestly i want so much from my life, but currently i just feel like i'm drowning... just with everything, i mean i have a good life, i'm not denying that. i've been very very lucky in my time. i'm trying to gain sympathy for my 'terribly hard life' or because i'm from a 'broken family' but i just feel like i'm dying inside.

i don't know whats wrong with me, really, i just wish dad hadn't had a drink this afternoon. all the work everyone has done, to help, to support him, its all fallen through. i believed so much that this would work. i want to believe that this is only a minor slip up so badly. but i don't know even where to start, on how this is going to be fixed. honestly i'm almost to the point where i don't want it fixed. i mean what good will that do? its just going to screw up agian! i'm not going to put my faith in something or someone, when they're just going to break my heart! i love him so much, i just don't know what i'm supposed to do. there is no way this can not affect me, but i cant go on, if i do let it. i'm almost past the point of crying. i just want peace. i don't know what i'm supposed to do....
death to life....

Sometimes i wish i could go back....

I'm so drained at the moment, really, i wish i could go back..... and when i say go back, i mean to that place that came so close to destroying me. Really, i liked being there, not really in a good way, but still i was something there. there was substance to me, and i had something to cry about. Now i cry because i have nothing to cry over. or at least i didn't until mum came home. Now i'm just trying to work out what i want to do, and what i should do...

sorry if this is freaking people out, and really i am ok, i'm not going to do a plath, and stick my head in an oven or whatever. but i feel empty, even though i was happy, and life was great, i still felt empty and drained, from even the small bad things, just as much as i used to be during the bad times. So i couldn't see the point in not going back there seeing as things are affecting me to the same extent anyway just without reason to!

Just when i was there, when i was depressed and all that, i had something, i had anger, i had hate, or i had saddness, i had something, and i had something to write about, and i had something to draw on. I had an eternal source of emotion. When i'm happy, i'm not writing, i'm not doing anything like that anymore, because i don't need to. i don't need that emotional outlet. I want to write, i want to so badly, but i have nothing to write on! or at least i do, just i can't express myself.

Well life isn't a bed of roses, we all know that, and challenges are set for us to conquer, but still, i want to go back there so bad! i've wanted it for weeks now, and its scary! i'm scaring myself, and i don't even know why i want it so bad! but in anycase, i shall leave this here, and go and contemplate the happenings of today, and possibly write a poem or two....

bored!

well well well i'm sitting in school with nothing to do. and well yes thats the story at the moment.... in any case moving on i'm bored, nothing to do is not good for entertainment value! :P
anyways i'll blog in a bit.
luv ya!

sigh, random and frustrating day!

well today was quite odd. it was amusing, but at the same time, it proved to be quite a strange experience. well the day started out fine, and everything was good. but then vocals was off cause miss hattersley wasn't around. kind of annoying seeing as we have a performance, in a few weeks. Then i had to cancel basketball, cause we only had 5 ppl for trainging seeing as ppl had other things to do/injuries/family issues. so yeh. then this arvo i get home, and i have the most random convo with chris d. very odd. but anyways, so yeh, and with all that confusion with hannes, about what is actually happening, and stuff, but yeh i dont know................... oh well and nat isn't doing 100% but yeh, u get that sometimes :(

hey hey!!!

Omg, last night was awesom! :P lol ok, for those who don't know, i went on a date with Hannes, the swedish exchange guy in yr 12, he's cool :) and we went into the city, and it was soo cool :) i almost froze, but that was ok :P lol, so yes, we sat in a park above the opera house for ages, and it was so much fun! and i think he talked more than i did! :P
lol so yes, i don't know if we're actually going out or not, i doubt it seeing as he's going home in like a bit over a month, but yeh anyways :P :D

Mwahahaha! technology! :)

Sigh, where shall i begin? well at the begining would be a logical place, alothough not always the most effective place to start if your looking to convey a message in a certain way. as told to us by a certain stripe wearing english teacher! in anycase i would like to share with you my audience, that i am now the proud owner of a Motorola V3 mobile :P its cool :P it looks kinda big, but its thin which its cool :P only problem is i get the feeling its the same as the stripe wearing english teacher's phone... :P oh well in anycase i'm not really fussed its a cool phone :P only problem is now it won't fit into and regular mobile phone pockets :P meh but it has a camera, and its actually fairly good quality :P :)