I'm sorry for this idea which i started

i hate feeling like crap, it almost feels like its contaigous. Really, i started going into depression in year 8, when mum and dad tried to live together again, and after falling through, we moved in w/ her bf for a while whilst we moved houses. I got really down, and even though i didn't realise it at the time, that was the beginning of my desscent. i stayed off school for about 4 days. and just slept for almost the entire time. Mum and i move into our own place, but it still continues, even though i have a period of about 4-5 months where everything was ok, but then i don't know what happened. I fell, and i fell hard, (metaphorically speaking) thats when the cutting first started. andre tried to help me, and succeeded for a time. so the cutting stopped for a while.
then in year 9, i went downhill again for a while, but not as bad i guess, and i was pulled out of that reletively easily.
then year 10. year 10 was the worst so far. i fell further than ever, and i hate to admit it, but i almost found some enjoyment in it. the way i was, i was consumed by darkness, and i had that constant substnace to draw on, to ensure my survival. even though i wanted to die, i knew even then, that life does go on, and doesnt have to end just because of something small, or big or whatever.
despite this, the cuts were deeper, and there were more of them. the blood was there and so was the emotion. the poems were there, and so were the stories.
i fell, and even though i recovered somewhat, i don't know if i'll ever recover fully. once you go to a place like that, you never forget how to get there, and there is nothing to stop you, apart from yourself, from going back.
i wish i could let myself go back sometimes, but i know what that would do. i know that that is giing in to this world, and forfieting the argument, loosing the arguement, which is something i cant stand.
This is what scares me with some other people i know, because i know everyone thinks differently, but i do know that once there, there is no way that place ever leaves you. whcih is why i'm worried when people want to go there, seemingly, just for the sake of it.....
the thing is, it feels like i was the one who started a huge chain reaction, i was the first to fall of our groups, and then like dominos people fell after me, there was ash, and nat, and then there was cassy, and anika, who while having their own issues, only seemed to consider dying after i did. I know i shouldn't blame myself, but i feel really guilty at putting this image of suicide into peoples heads...
sorry everyone..... it'll be over soon.