Tears

I used to cry over alot of things, now i cry because i have nothing to cry over.

i have nothing, yet everything to write about. Although nothing is driving me to write. i have so little left in me, i feel lost. like i'm swimming inside the cavern of my body, so small, not fitting in the space i used to accomodate.

Although i have so much to write about, i don't know if i could, i'm almost too scared to start writing, even though i desire it so much! honestly i want so much from my life, but currently i just feel like i'm drowning... just with everything, i mean i have a good life, i'm not denying that. i've been very very lucky in my time. i'm trying to gain sympathy for my 'terribly hard life' or because i'm from a 'broken family' but i just feel like i'm dying inside.

i don't know whats wrong with me, really, i just wish dad hadn't had a drink this afternoon. all the work everyone has done, to help, to support him, its all fallen through. i believed so much that this would work. i want to believe that this is only a minor slip up so badly. but i don't know even where to start, on how this is going to be fixed. honestly i'm almost to the point where i don't want it fixed. i mean what good will that do? its just going to screw up agian! i'm not going to put my faith in something or someone, when they're just going to break my heart! i love him so much, i just don't know what i'm supposed to do. there is no way this can not affect me, but i cant go on, if i do let it. i'm almost past the point of crying. i just want peace. i don't know what i'm supposed to do....
death to life....