Love, Poetry, Lies and Deceit.

Somedays i just feel like i should run off with some random, and build my own life as an uneducated tramp, have three kids, and live a precarious existance between life and death.
6 weeks approx. Thats what i have left of my remaining life. That is the approximate time span from now until judgement day.
Yes, it is official, Greg is moving in.

time is slipping by like mud, i really don't know where i'm going at the moment... i really feel like moving in with dad, but i've thought about it, and it really wouldn't work. its not that it would be to hard, or too far to travel, or anything like that. Just i don't think he would be able to cope.

I guess once tomorrow comes it will be alot better, seeing as its back to school and all that. once i get my normal routine back i'll feel alot better. And i'm seeing the councillor again on tuesday,. so this shall be a nice little update.

the only upside to all this i can find at the moment is the emotional fodder it has presented me with, which i can mould and play with until it forms words which please me, not only greg though, many things have contributed to the mess.

http://sacrednotes.blogspot.com

Jindabyne!

I shall say on thing to start this off...

BOOOOOYAAAA!!!!

:D Jindabyne was the best fun! Skiing for 5 days was so cool! And i discovered i wasn't half bad at it :) yesterday on our last day, i was able to go down high noon in our lesson, i felt so proud and hyped after :D

food was ok, and the company was cool, despite a few minor hiccups every here and there.

the first sunday night was just a sort of info thing, getting to know the set up with a few games in between. Monday was a trivia night, with challenges. the last being the one i ended up getting up for seeing as no one else in the team would. Hula-hooping.... i was up against dancers as well, and so i went first, and i thought i would get thrashed with 23 rotations, no one else even came close, i was so freaked! :P was fun though, although the wise cracks afterwards about my hips.. well yes, enough said. tuesday night we did this thing called jindy markets, and each group set up a stall, and ran it, with jindy dollars. we did a massage thing, standing there all night giving massages, tiring but ... hmm quite fun, especially considering some of the clientele :P wednesday night was a movie night, and we think someone let us watch a pirated movie, seeing as it was Madagascar... enjoyable nonetheless. and thursday night was our last night there, and it was a disco night. so much fun, and so exhausting :P limbo really made my thighs hurt :P

then last night the bus ride home, good, just really not ready for it. the week was so good, i just wanted to stay there. despite a nose bleed every morning. watched brave heart after dinner at maccas, almost fell asleep on joe, and yeh, generally had a restful trip home.

sigh, i am so proud i got down high noon, :D the week was so much fun. i could write more on it, but for now i won't.

hope the week back here was good.
:)
luv yas xoxoxo

ROCK EISTEDDFOD!!!!!

ok, i am so excited right now! Rock Eisteddfod is tomorrow! i mean TROMORROW!!!! it has crept up so quick this year!!! gosh, i love it so much! if i wasn't allowed in it this year, i would be so shitty!

It is so awesom! i love REC (Rock Eisteddfod Challenge) its is so much fun! :D i keep saying that i know, but its the best experience! this years piece is really cool too :) 'The Cup'

Its a follow up on last years one, Bad Night In Bagdahd, and all the media attention that it recieved.

All the horses in the rac are named after things from last year, and some current issues in politics and society, eg: Bush Jr. Pony Blair, Our Prime Minister, Beazely Boy, Lord Nelson, Bagdahd Night, Refugee, Private School and Budget Cut, to name the ones i can think of! But my favourite, and definate pick for the cup, Son Of Davo! even at 500-1 odds and despite it being called a ton of rump steak, i really don't care, hes got my bet!:D

so yesms, early start, lots ok sugar, and i shall have a different experience of the beloved REC from the perspective of a stage crew member! :D

'We got spirit yes we do, we got spirit how about you?'
'2 4 6 8 we got more than you can take'
'4 3 2 1 we got spirit you got none'
'We got spirit na-na, we got spirit na-na, we got spirit na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na You got nothing!'

Gotta love the cheers!
GO DAVO! GO YOU GOOD THING!!!

sigh, i don't know what i'm doing somedays. Honestly i wake up, and mostly everything is fine, i had a rough time for a few days with everything getting on top of me, and me not being able to cope. But that was getting sorted out, everything was ok, and i could deal again.
Now thats all gone out the window. Rock Eisteddfod was so draining, i was so tired afterwards. Then mum comes to pick me and tom up, and brings greg... enough said?
it just made my night!
well truth of the matter is, he is likely to be moving in sometime, i don't know exactly when, but he is. I have no idea how i'll cope, but hopefully i will remain stubborn enough not to die.
Then mum and him were moving furniture around, and so now we have HIS dinning set, and HIS lounge suit, and HIS coffee table, to match HIS dining table. as well as HIS dinner set which we are now using. its really irritating how he is invading my space, and taking over my home!
I really do hate him. While i can handle him when i'm happy, with it, and not in anything less than a hyperactive extra happy mood, if i am anything other than, he drives me absolutely crazy!
Then school work, a feature article that wasn't working, a few other assignments, one that is already late, and then thinking about TAS display night, Rock Eisteddfod, and Jindabyne, its all going to be a little hectic the first three weeks of term.
Then not being able to talk to ash, that was really hard, and not quite understanding why we weren't talk, and entertaining all different possibilities. which only made it worse.
So all of this came together, and along with the space in my room being totally ineffective, and leaving me no where to work, i broke down. crying so much, i cried for about 2 days. it was aweful.
Then when i went out with friends, i felt so left out, and alone, even though i was surrounded by people, i've just felt so down, its so tiring. Ive been happy for a few days, because ive seen my dad and had time with him, but its still so exhausting, and now coming home tonight and gregs there, its painful.
oh well, thats me at the moment.
its not alot i know, and i should be able to deal with it all really, but i'm working on it.
talk to you all later.

... tears are all i have

well i don't know whats wrong with me... i feel like such a mess, i'm crying at the drop of a hat, and i feel so abandoned and lost.
Tears are all i have at the moment, i feel i have lost contact with my friends, i've lost all hope of finishing yr 11 with any semblance of a good mark. Life is throwing punches and i'm loosing sight of where they're coming from, and they're beginning to hurt.
Honestly i don't know how i have survived this long. the amount of times i have wanted to curl up and die, i guess my own stubborness has been my saviour. my own insufferable mind to never fail i guess is good for something.
in anycase, i am going to go, i'm not going to go into details about why i'm feeling crap, seeing as no one really needs to know. just lets say crying all evening, and a massive nose bleed hurts.
talk to you all later.

i would really like someone to talk to....

well i had to jinx it didn't i!
well i didn't really jinx it, just i said in the last post, i'll survive provided he doesnt move in or wahtever, meaning greg. Well no date has been set, but its likely that he will move in sometime.
Sigh, i think i'm going to go see the school councillor when we go back to school. i don't know, nothing is hugely wrong at the moment, but i'm just feeling bad in general, and things are affecting me when they shouldn't. Honestly, i'm not really in bad shape, just things are getting in the way, and i think i would like someone to talk to. . . . . . . . . . .

some things....

Some things can be so frustrating in life.
Some things can make you feel like dying, some make you feel like crying.
There are things out there that will make you mad, there are things that will make you sad.
But there will also be some things in the world which make you smile, things that make you want to wait a while.
The things that make you want to live forever, things that will make you a dream weaver.

some days just don't work do they? i mean i try to work with mum, and not get too snappy, but its hard when i've had three nights with greg here, it gets a bit wearing after a while :S
oh well i'll live
provided he doesnt decide to move in or anything. . .

sigh, i shall write more when there is more to write.
xoxoxo
http://itsallachemicalreaction.blogspot.com

well that puts it in perspective

you know, i was actually going to get worried about this whole debacle with cassy, and the leaking of certain facts to the school public, but now i've realised what my priorities really are.

I saw my dad today, saw him yesterday as well, but today made the difference. He is not in good shape, and it breaks my heart everytime i see him now. Last night, he had a drink, but then went to see someine, and as he was going through a roundabout in concord, he collided with a prado. He's ok, physically, but he had to drive the car to the factory, and leave it there. and honestly it was such a scare for him, and me and mum. We had been expecting something like this to happen, but it was one of those things for when times got worse.

So today, seeing him, he's become really quite depressed, he feels, and looks so lost, its hurting so much, and today just made me realise, how stupid the games people at our age play! i mean, really i've never been one for playing games with people, i just get to the point most of the time and say whatever i want, or need to say, at least thats what i do now. i really don't need to worry about what other people say, or do, nor what they want me to say or do, becasue its not what really matters! i can do whatever the hell i like, and provided its the right thing to do, in my mind, then i don't need to listen to what everyone else says.

Life is the fragile balace between conception and destruction. Living along that blade, i have cut myself so many times, when i have nearly fallen. But pulling through, you realise what an impact some people have on your life.

My biggest influence by far has been Meliessa, i loved her so much, and for her to die, especially it being drug related, still haunts me today. I have not known a day to pass since her death, when i have not thought of her.

My life is no where near perfect, and i do not pretend that it is. but the love i hold for people is pure, despite their flaws.
now that its all been put in perspective, i really dont need to say anymore about anything.

well well, what can i say?

i would like to start out this blog with an apology to Cassy, i'm sorry for the words i used in my previous post which you found offensive or contradictory, and i apologise for any wrong i have done to you and anyone else in my life who reads this.

i'm not going to comment, nor retaliate further on this topic, as i really don't think its necessary. just as i felt that many of the comments, and other responses to my post were unnecessary. in any case, it is only high school, and is a vital learning period in our adolescent hormone charged lives.
___________________________________________________

now, for what this blog was intended for, an online journal which is my place to express thoughts and emotions to an audience, which hardly exists.

well work placement started without many glitches, besides dad, which in my life is one big glitch after another, and even though now i am told nothing of his status/situation, i still feel it in my heart whenever something happens. its hard to deal with, although now i'm not specifically told anything, i guess its helping, at least its not taking as much of a toll on me as it used to.

greg is still the bane of my existance, as some of my poems describe, disturbing as it may be, i sometimes think i know too much about my parents, their sex lives, and their habits. :( anyways

i really don't feel like saying much more, so i shall leave this here

bye all.

the truth people! just tell the truth!

why can't people stand up and tell the truth?! what was that rule we were all taught as little kids? 'Honesty is the best policy'! seriously, if people actually came out and said what happened when asked, it would be so much less of a difficulty for everyone else.

People respect truth, they don't respect liars and cheats. so at least i've kept to half of that! and the other half, well thats been very few times in comparison, and kissing is hardly cheating, even my sisters agree with that!

i've learnt that lying, even to try and stop someone from getting hurt, doesnt work. the longer something is kept hidden, the harder it is to not hurt them. The longer something remains obscured from their knowledge, the more important it is to keep it hidden, and for it to become t=so important to keep something hidden, the more likely it is that its going to come back slap you in the face and spill out everywhere. destroying the lie, and destroying the person it was hidden from.

sigh, i hate having to sit back and watch people i care about suffer.

mm, hot chocolate :)

yay, today was the last day of school for term 2! its gone by so fast! sigh, such is the futile race of life we run. oh well.

hot chocolate is the best! :) well hot milo at least. :P

You know what, i really am getting so annoyed with all the school social political crap! and the worst part is, i've put myself in such a situation that i can't really get out of it..... :(

i mean, fair enough, cassy doesn't want to have that much to do with me anymore, but honestly, making out that our realtionship is one of continued hate and revenge, its silly! i still respect her, and i even feel sorry for her, and all the stuff she has gone through, and is putting herself through, i don't hate her. I still think shes a wonderful human being, just at times she needs to step back and look at what she is really doing.

Playing games, and lying to people, and going behind their backs, its not the way a person should live, she is destroying herself and so many people who love her. She appears to be on a continual spiral downwards that is only going to end in her self destruction.

in anycase, my own actions are less than perfect i know, and despite all the hoo ha about it all, i am sorry for betraying peoples trust. Although i think the time has come to let the truth come out, and to let people burn for their own mistakes, and their own actions. if someone want to be the saviour, let them, but stop hurting and lying to other people who haveno part in this ongoing fued. if thats how people wish to view it...

oh well i shall write later i'm sure.
xoxoxo