questions...

what am i doing here?
where am i going?
what is all this really for?

these are the questions which plague our existance, or at least mine at the moment.
i feel really quite empty at the moment....
i mean i'm happy, i dont doubt that. but at the same time, i feel i'm missing something. These last few weeks in chatswood are driving me up the wall.... sigh, i just want to get out, and actually make a go of year 12.
if i could i would so drop ancient history at the moment. I like it, but its just annoying.

sigh, and according to matt i enjoy being miserable....
dont know what to make of that
but with him and i, its never going to work again, which i'm sad about, but grateful at the same time, cause now i can focus more on school and stuff, but all the same, it was nice...

sigh, i'm tired so i'm going to sleep,
bye bye!

again...

i said i would most likely blog before the nights out, and here i am...

so lets see, nothing much has changed, work is cruising at the same level of inefficiency, and i am falling behind even further.

i had a message from matt yesterday... i dont know what i want to do about it, but i'm working on it...

sigh, i think this is going to be a very badly done assessment

ciao now, night....

My time management? what time management?

Well, i must say, this is going to be a shocking few days. Late Nights On Me People!
Yes, i have ancient history due on Friday, and its freaking me out! (i think its safe to assume you can all realise that i have only just seriously started...)

In other news, the house dad and i were going to get fell through, although has since been replaced by another abode, which has been confirmed. Moving around the 19th of December, so that shall be good. Its behind the Crown of the Hill, 2 Angophora Ave. :) so at least its somewhat local :P or moreso than Chatswood. Its on this side of the Roseville Bridge OK!

sigh, and so another move, and another chapter of life begins...
its slightly scary, and i know its going to take effort, but hopefully it will work out ok.

Anyways i must stop this procrastination, its not getting me anywhere, although i'm sure i shall blog again before the night is out...

Later xoxoxo

Recently...

Well i suppose its time i updated people on my life.

Matt and i broke up, i'm not going to say explicitly why, thats just to hard to deal with. Although i think saying too much and not enough happened all at the same time would fit it. Although, this (my blog) did come into the conversation in a bad way, hene why i havent blogged recently i think. This happened on sunday just so ppl know.
I'm going ok now, just still, its sad, and hurts. :'(

On the bright side, dad and i found a house to rent together on monday afternoon. Hopefully it will all work out. He seems really excited about it though.

Mums sad i'm moving out, she's gonna miss me, but i have to do whats best for me.

Gary and i are talking again, for those who know about him, pls dnt comment, those who dont know, you dnt need to know :P

and yeh, well a bit of an emotional rollercoaster at the beginning of the week, but mostly everythings going ok at the moment, excluding schoolwork, thats just a shocking mess!
not such a good thing for year 12! :(
ah well we'll get thru this

ohk, off now, i'm hoping the work i have for ancient will satisfy them.

Boring...

Greetings all. I'm bored, and in the first of three free periods, its getting boring already. But i'm helping Renay for the next two with her textiles assessment, so that should fill in some time at least.

Mum was crying this morning, it seems so vague now that i'm not sure whether it was a dream or real. but hse was arguing with greg i think, and it was like 'thats why i dont feel like living somedays and why i dont like coming home.' it sounds familiar doesn't it...
i don't know what to do about it though i really don't. Cause i still want to move in with dad, because living with greg just doesnt work, and i desparately want to be with dad. But at the same time i'm scared to leave mum.

And then all the crap thats been happening with people from school has been confusing, and schoolwork itself hasnt been going to well. At least though, i have something to hand in for textiles, even if i'm going to miss a bit on the fabric samples. Oh well, i cant be bothered to work on it now, so i'll help Renay and just make do with mine. Hopefully it'll pull through...
The next step is to just get Ancient History done. That shall be interesting...

I can hear everyone next door, in the senior study, they're listening to Luke's New Years music that he's planning. It sounds cool, but i really dont feel like being around people at the moment.

ah well, i don't think we'll get much painting done this week for eco club, but we shall see.... i was supposed to start early. but i don't see that happening if i'm going to be helping Renay with her stuff....

Bye now... xo

Vent/Shadow Life

Ok, i am going to blog now, again, yes i know, but you have to see, this is equivalent to therapy, this is my diary, i like to keep it up to date, and no i dont have many qualms about laying myself out here like some sacraficial offering, because, that may well be what i am. I enjoy who i am, even if i am in a phase of darkness, i enjoy that!

YES!!! I ENJOYED HURTING MYSELF!!!
for crying out loud, does it really matter what i did in the past? i wasnt trying to kill myself, it was a way of creating a controllable pain. Despite people telling me slashes didnt hurt as much, or that i was only doing it for attention, i enjoyed what i was doing, i would smile every time i bled! Fuck, people can be so ignorant to the darker joy of some things.
I guess i am lucky to be able to see the love, light, and good points of darkness, the drugs, alcohol, the self mutilation, suicide, overdoses, whores, the blood, the cutting, all that, it makes sense to me! i felt happy, content in that world. And She was a link to it. i loved her, almost more than i love my own mother... She was something real, something i could carry with me forever and never loose, then she died.
Times like these make me question what i'm doing, and who i really want to become.
Part of me condones the whore, the addict, the portrait of misused and misguided youth, destined to amount to a pool of blood before 30.
The other part, says i should become the greatest richest girl i can, driving myself to success, and staying there for as long as i live, indulging in luxury and doing everything they believed i could.
Somedays i feel i'm living an emotional double life between these two.
In any case, i suppose it doesnt matter really. I think i have disturbed all of you enough. So i shall now fade into the darkness.
The life in the shadows.

i don't know why or how all that poured out then, i didnt mean to, it just happened, it kind of felt like i was a different person...

bye bye now... i'm sleeping...

I don't like it..

Sigh, i'm tired, I'm sorry people, but i am, and i don't really care if anyone is going to whinge about me complaining about it...

I'm thinking it might be an idea to go get a blood test done, just to check to see if it is my diet or something. Although, i do doubt it really is that. Mrs Zinn says i'm in a 'high stress situation/environment.' I don't know what to think about that, although i wouldn't classify it like that if it was me talking... So if that's the case, its likely thats all it is, because its not that i'm tired, as in not awake and my mind is still working sort of thing, i just feel constantly drained emotionally, and exhausted. And food doesnt keep me going that well, i mean it helps, but its not doing what its supposed to i don't think.

I really don't feel too crash hot right now. I feel really out of place, i don't like the way my life is at present, i really don't like how my future is still slightly uncertain, in terms of a unanimous agreement on certain parts ie moving in with dad, and i just really am not happy with the way i am in myself. I just don't know what i'm supposed to do or be. I'm dying to grow up, yet at the same time i'm too scared to leave this place where i feel safest, and where responsibility is still deferred to people other than me. There are things happening which are confusing me, and i don't know how to deal with them. But mostly, i just feel lost. Like i'm a waif floating in and out of a life, that i really don't have much part in.

I'm too strong to be depressed, i'm too weak to feel whole, i'm falling to pieces, but everythings still holding together, like a spiders web is encasing me.

I don't like it....

Invasion!!!

Well having a room invaded with bugs is interesting, as is attempting to sleep on the couch, as is trying to sleep at all last night.... doing school work in the middle of the night was also surprisingly productive...

sigh it starts agian, a chapter i thought had closed, has been reopened, and its freaking me out!
i really want to get the Rob Thomas CD, the sunnies, the words...... the sexual inuendo...
very interesting...

In other interesting news, well not a lot. I need to talk to someone about candles, so yeh. Dad's gone to a couple of real estate agents, and seen what they have in davo/belrose. Moving is looking promising! :D:D:D YAY!

it was a week ago!

Well as was just pointed out to me, it appears i haven't blogged for a little less than a week. Quite a strange occurance.

in news recently, well, not a whole lot. Just the same old crap, and no one to make it any different. Had a tiff today with Nikki. Although i'm glad i just shut up in the end cause i know i would have said something stupid with this heat induced delirium. I still find her frustrating.

Well i need to get a sports note done, hand in a note for a textiles excursion, which is on the wednesday steph and i were going to go see Little Fish, slightly annoying, but thats ok. We've been asked to be ushers for year 12 Graduation, being prefects and all. And i'm behind in Ancient History, and Advanced English, although i'm hoping to overcome that soon enough.

Anyways, Greg just walked in, so i do believe i'm going to go and work in my room for a time.

Until later xoxoxo

Library

I am currently sitting in the library for my thrid free period of the day. Its getting boring, i was trying to do work, but that didn't do a lot... Renay tried to make me go outside with her, that didn't work too well for her either.

I feel really lazy at the moment, its wierd. I really am so unmotivated with everything. Its like constant lethargy.

Ah well weekend ahead of me, its good.
Tonight i'm going to dads, staying til sunday :D its good!
And hopefully Matt will stay over on saturday...

In anycase, i'm going to go...
tata xo