Vent/Shadow Life

Ok, i am going to blog now, again, yes i know, but you have to see, this is equivalent to therapy, this is my diary, i like to keep it up to date, and no i dont have many qualms about laying myself out here like some sacraficial offering, because, that may well be what i am. I enjoy who i am, even if i am in a phase of darkness, i enjoy that!

YES!!! I ENJOYED HURTING MYSELF!!!
for crying out loud, does it really matter what i did in the past? i wasnt trying to kill myself, it was a way of creating a controllable pain. Despite people telling me slashes didnt hurt as much, or that i was only doing it for attention, i enjoyed what i was doing, i would smile every time i bled! Fuck, people can be so ignorant to the darker joy of some things.
I guess i am lucky to be able to see the love, light, and good points of darkness, the drugs, alcohol, the self mutilation, suicide, overdoses, whores, the blood, the cutting, all that, it makes sense to me! i felt happy, content in that world. And She was a link to it. i loved her, almost more than i love my own mother... She was something real, something i could carry with me forever and never loose, then she died.
Times like these make me question what i'm doing, and who i really want to become.
Part of me condones the whore, the addict, the portrait of misused and misguided youth, destined to amount to a pool of blood before 30.
The other part, says i should become the greatest richest girl i can, driving myself to success, and staying there for as long as i live, indulging in luxury and doing everything they believed i could.
Somedays i feel i'm living an emotional double life between these two.
In any case, i suppose it doesnt matter really. I think i have disturbed all of you enough. So i shall now fade into the darkness.
The life in the shadows.

i don't know why or how all that poured out then, i didnt mean to, it just happened, it kind of felt like i was a different person...

bye bye now... i'm sleeping...