well i have no idea what is going on. I'm a mess, and i have no idea nor reason as to why. I feel aweful, due in part to the rather painful cist behind my ear, but all the same, its not just that that it making me feel terrible. i am just so tired. thats what i always say i know, but i am just so tired!
i have problems concentrating, and staying on task, and getting work done, its driving me up the wall. i want to be all i can, except at the moment i just don't have the energy! honestly i feel like a walking corpse, a being without shape or form to name, a person who exists only to vanish whne someone turns away!
my mother this evening, when i suggested 'i'm alcoholic' for my jersey, just said 'oh!' and i know i hadn't thought it through, and it was a bit of a surprise i would imagine, but i didn't expect her to be so negative about it, or sound so negative about it, all i wanted was a luagh, seeing as my name, even though spelt sheri, is pronounced sherry, like the drink, and sheriden is even an alcoholic drink. i hadn't even thought about the relevance to my father, :( and i just don't know why, but i just semi snapped and went into my room, and mum comes in, 'are you alright?' and i'm just like yeh i'm fine, and i have tears welling up in my eyes, and i just don't know why i keep crying!
it was three times yesterday after i got home, and today its already been about 3, and i feel like i'm about to start bawling again, and honestly i just don't know why!!!!
oh well, tears shall fall, and die, and maybe they shall explain themselves later.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
today...
well i feel just fantastic this evening i must say! i won't go into details, its mostly my fault anyways, but yeh, thats what you get for being tired and emotional and trying to find something to distract you, and then it just falls through.
oh well i shall get over it, and i apologise to the people i went off at, not that it was a screaming fit or anything, but it was unfair. sorry guys. :(
and if ur wondering where the poetry and stuff went, well its now at http://itsallachemicalreaction.blogspot.com
i figured it was easier to put it there all in the one place and not worry about all the other crap.
bye all, if i don't wake up in the morning, just step over my corpse please.
oh well i shall get over it, and i apologise to the people i went off at, not that it was a screaming fit or anything, but it was unfair. sorry guys. :(
and if ur wondering where the poetry and stuff went, well its now at http://itsallachemicalreaction.blogspot.com
i figured it was easier to put it there all in the one place and not worry about all the other crap.
bye all, if i don't wake up in the morning, just step over my corpse please.
Thursday, June 23, 2005
meh, i can still pass on what i have i guess. . .
well this is interesting, i didn't think it would happen again, but i must have known i was wrong, but all the same, i am preparing myself once agin for another failure in society and culture. tis a wonderful experience, although i do not reccomend it. all the same, annoying as it is, i feel i should go and sleep and forget all about it because i'm not going to get it done anyways... so i might just do that. thank you all and goodnight.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Of rain drops and death
rain drops..... i like rain drops. They're born in the sky, their lives are consumed with the act of falling, they live to die, and place no value in their own lives. no one knows if a raindrop has dreams, nor do they really pause to ask i suppose. but rain drops, live and die, and they're silent cries are lost in the earth as they shatter and disolve. They're death brings life, and they live to die, to live again.
i like this personification too. it appeals to me. this natural death with brings renewed life, a far more appealing topic than suicide, and death of unnatural causes, but all the same, i suppose that sylvia plath is not all bad, it is an enlightening experience, and i do love english, just it is a pain in the neck to have to keep remembering horrible things about the person i used to be. i don't want to go back, but there is a constant pull at the strings which direct me. they want me back, they want me to fall again, and i desperatly don't want to go back to being that person, but at the same time, i did so love it, because the pain made it feel real, the selfishness was all that mattered, i was able to die a million times and no one would know!
in anycase i must run and hide now before the squeaky bed syndrome starts again, and i am forced to scream to myself the destruction of my sanity!
i like this personification too. it appeals to me. this natural death with brings renewed life, a far more appealing topic than suicide, and death of unnatural causes, but all the same, i suppose that sylvia plath is not all bad, it is an enlightening experience, and i do love english, just it is a pain in the neck to have to keep remembering horrible things about the person i used to be. i don't want to go back, but there is a constant pull at the strings which direct me. they want me back, they want me to fall again, and i desperatly don't want to go back to being that person, but at the same time, i did so love it, because the pain made it feel real, the selfishness was all that mattered, i was able to die a million times and no one would know!
in anycase i must run and hide now before the squeaky bed syndrome starts again, and i am forced to scream to myself the destruction of my sanity!
reports, and soldiering on
well reports are very interesting are they not! yes i know that mine was not that bad, but honestly i wish it had been closer to the truth. My teachers are all still busy saying that ii have so much to offer, and that i can understand so much, and really are a very good student, and all i need to do to make sure i don't fall down is to figure out how to manage my time. serious! i hate it, its everything i already know! i know i suck at managing my time, and i know i have to find a better way of working at things and learning how to get things done. But honestly this constant tiredness is not helping, nor is it showing any signs of abating :( oh well soldier on little girl. :(
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
topsy turvy day
Well really now is that so? well i must say life yesterday morning seemed to be going pretty ok! I woke up, came to school, textiles was great, got stuff done, and had a generally fun time. However everything went sour from period 2. The notice came around in period 1. Year meeting in period 2 in the Jan Jones Room. Ok, well i miss out on period 2, ancient history, ok, no major loss. Off we go. The year meeting is the usual stuff that we had to know, as in stuff about jindabyne, and a few other things like prefect self nominations and the like. then the words, 'after this we need the business services class to stay back for a few minutes please.' ok so the first thought is, what did we do this time, which substitute did we piss off enough to have some of period 2 all to ourselves with the teachers. And then it comes out, we have to move businsess services offline indefinatly, as the yr 12 business studies class need miss hillyer becasue they're two weeks away from their trial exams. so we spend about 20 minutes trying to work out where we can put four classes throughout the week where they won't adversely affect anyone. So what ends up happening is getting 2 extra 7.30 classes on tuesday and wednesday. then a period 7 on a monday, and a lunchtime class on thursday! its absolutlyy brilliant! I felt fantastic afterwards! it only means that i had to screw myself and rule myself out of basketball training. Leaving the responsibility to Cassy and hoping like hell that she will do what she needs to to keep the whole idea afloat! i know i should have a little more faith, except the only problem is that well, she has only been to about 2 of the trainings so far! which while good for those two, is really becoming a whole waste of time because no one shows up! i can really undrstand how teachers feel now with classes that don't want to work. Because i have been there every week so far! i have put in the effort, shown up, and organised most of it! seriously, and i can't get that annoyed with cassy for not showing up, because i feel that she is likely to go along, and use it as an excuse to bring up old arguments and say that i'm attacking her just because i hate her or whatever and because of who she is. so really its frustrating, because each week we get about 4 or 5 people including myself, and its just not enough. if everyone showed up as they said they would, and all agreed to, we would be fine, and we would all be doing a whole lot better i think. oh well i'll live, life is not that bad, its just tiring and frustrating, because i want to do well, just i have no drive to do work, and i am always so tired! its annoying, and getting annoyed and frustrated is only making me more tired!
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Bus Stop Poems
The seat is cold beneath my thighs
I wonder why its taking so long
Its days like these i want to die
Days like these i wonder if i'm wrong
The bus is not forthcoming
I'm sitting her freezing my but off
The wind around me is gently humming
Giving me time to think i'm better off.
I wonder why its taking so long
Its days like these i want to die
Days like these i wonder if i'm wrong
The bus is not forthcoming
I'm sitting her freezing my but off
The wind around me is gently humming
Giving me time to think i'm better off.
SOPA!!! I'm collecting jokers!
Sigh, well thats sopa for another year... i cant belive that next year will be the last! its so scary! but in anycase, it was a good few days. even tho it does get boring after a while, i still love sopa, i love performing, even though i dont do alot of it. But honestly last night was awesome! 2 v's, pizza, lollies, mountain dew, :P basically alot of sugar, and so i was bouncing off the walls all night :P
it was awesome! HA AND I BRAIDED ADAM'S HAIR!!! lol it looked funny :P and michael/pickles/stabby has photographic evidence to prove it :P lol so yesms, thats news, and i am sheri goldie who is still coming down from my sugar induced high, i'm not even sure if i'm coming down yet, but i know i'm about to log of and go was my hair :P
ta ta! xoxoxo
it was awesome! HA AND I BRAIDED ADAM'S HAIR!!! lol it looked funny :P and michael/pickles/stabby has photographic evidence to prove it :P lol so yesms, thats news, and i am sheri goldie who is still coming down from my sugar induced high, i'm not even sure if i'm coming down yet, but i know i'm about to log of and go was my hair :P
ta ta! xoxoxo
Thursday, June 16, 2005
EPA/SOPA!!!
Well life is just brilliant at the moment i have to say, and if you didn't realise, yes i was actually being sarcastic! :P anyways SOPA tonight, should be good :D i still love it so much, i just like performing really and being part of it, its so much fun :P and everyone who does it is really cool, so its not like any annoying ppl do it or anything :)
so yes i must go or else i shall miss dinner :P
so yes i must go or else i shall miss dinner :P
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Gothic Girl
More a fun poem for me, this sin't all that serious like my other ones, again its an old one....
________________________________________________________
In her world, there isn’t only darkness
In her world, there aren’t only the bad
In her world, there isn’t only death
In her world, there aren’t only the sad
She does not know her world as grey
She does not know her world as fear
She does not know her world as morbid
She knows her world as her dear
The life she leads dare not be a danger
The life she leads is not a manifestation
The life she leads dare not be forced upon her
The life she leads is thwarted by temptation
She knows her world as her life
She knows her world as her home
She knows her world as her right
She knows her world as her own
This girl has no need to be feared
This girl does know what you think
This girl has no need to be self-conscious
This girl does not know what you write in ink
Her mornings are the dawn as yours
Her Evenings are the same as your sunsets
Her friends like yours, may not share her views
Her ideas are new and her habits set
She respects your choice of ways
She does not care about your thoughts
She respects your laws and traditions
She does not mind doing what she ought
This a new breed of person
This is a creation, made by the earths whirl
This child is to be no different
She is only a Gothic Girl.
________________________________________________________
In her world, there isn’t only darkness
In her world, there aren’t only the bad
In her world, there isn’t only death
In her world, there aren’t only the sad
She does not know her world as grey
She does not know her world as fear
She does not know her world as morbid
She knows her world as her dear
The life she leads dare not be a danger
The life she leads is not a manifestation
The life she leads dare not be forced upon her
The life she leads is thwarted by temptation
She knows her world as her life
She knows her world as her home
She knows her world as her right
She knows her world as her own
This girl has no need to be feared
This girl does know what you think
This girl has no need to be self-conscious
This girl does not know what you write in ink
Her mornings are the dawn as yours
Her Evenings are the same as your sunsets
Her friends like yours, may not share her views
Her ideas are new and her habits set
She respects your choice of ways
She does not care about your thoughts
She respects your laws and traditions
She does not mind doing what she ought
This a new breed of person
This is a creation, made by the earths whirl
This child is to be no different
She is only a Gothic Girl.
Black Hearts Floating
Again an older poem, i started writing it in a maths exam actually. i'm not entirely sure if its really a good idea puttin my older works up here, but still, its done now.
________________________________________________________
Black hearts floating on the wind,
Come to rest at my feet,
They shatter as they hit the earth,
In a million pieces across the street.
I raise my head to see their faces,
Black hearts kiss me on the cheek,
There are no familiar places I know,
Where my feet can reach.
There is nowhere I can run to.
No where a safe haven for me.
I’m scared of what I’ve made myself.
Nothing can bring me peace.
I’ll escape this all one day
As a seed may grow into a tree.
When finally my heart shall rest
And the black hearts vanish around me.
________________________________________________________
Black hearts floating on the wind,
Come to rest at my feet,
They shatter as they hit the earth,
In a million pieces across the street.
I raise my head to see their faces,
Black hearts kiss me on the cheek,
There are no familiar places I know,
Where my feet can reach.
There is nowhere I can run to.
No where a safe haven for me.
I’m scared of what I’ve made myself.
Nothing can bring me peace.
I’ll escape this all one day
As a seed may grow into a tree.
When finally my heart shall rest
And the black hearts vanish around me.
Hell Hole
I wrote this poem a long time ago, and i haven't looked at it in a long time, but yes, i have yet to edit and refine it, but i figured i put it on here for the moment.
________________________________________________________
Wondering if I’ll make it through the day
Hoping that I’ll see him when I get there
Praying that I shouldn’t blow it away
Crying out to whoever will listen, clawing at my hair
Obsessing, driving me over the edge
Leaping only at broken opportunities
I pray to God, please don’t let me do something I’ll regret
Running away from the hell hole that she ties
I pull at the bonds that tie me down
Unable to break through I bleed my sorrow
The blood pours out silent and smooth
It pools on the ground at my feet
By this a prayer for release, it won’t come today
I stand there in my silence, waiting for the darkness to fall
I hold my breath, and turn my back,
Block the noise out, erase the voices
They still enter and spin in my whirlwinds
They’re breaking through now, I can’t ignore them
I fall to my knees and hide my face from their eyes
They don’t know me, theses strangers,
I shy away from their touch, but it’s inevitable
The hands that touch me burn my skin,
Their eyes penetrate my form and I hear them speak
“Its alright, I’m here for you. You’re not alone anymore”
I stop, and I sigh, I lift my face, and I wipe away the blood.
I know that voice, it has never failed to move me
I turn and I fall into their waiting embrace.
I couldn’t let go, this person is my only reason for life
How can they come just to leave me?
Then they fade, I’m grasping at nothing.
Kneeling on the floor, bleeding my life away
It was all a vision, a mirage, fakes.
I lie down on the cold tiles
No one is calling. I am completely alone
I let out my breath and breathe again
But I will myself to stop,
To release my soul from this world
Instead I scream.
________________________________________________________
Wondering if I’ll make it through the day
Hoping that I’ll see him when I get there
Praying that I shouldn’t blow it away
Crying out to whoever will listen, clawing at my hair
Obsessing, driving me over the edge
Leaping only at broken opportunities
I pray to God, please don’t let me do something I’ll regret
Running away from the hell hole that she ties
I pull at the bonds that tie me down
Unable to break through I bleed my sorrow
The blood pours out silent and smooth
It pools on the ground at my feet
By this a prayer for release, it won’t come today
I stand there in my silence, waiting for the darkness to fall
I hold my breath, and turn my back,
Block the noise out, erase the voices
They still enter and spin in my whirlwinds
They’re breaking through now, I can’t ignore them
I fall to my knees and hide my face from their eyes
They don’t know me, theses strangers,
I shy away from their touch, but it’s inevitable
The hands that touch me burn my skin,
Their eyes penetrate my form and I hear them speak
“Its alright, I’m here for you. You’re not alone anymore”
I stop, and I sigh, I lift my face, and I wipe away the blood.
I know that voice, it has never failed to move me
I turn and I fall into their waiting embrace.
I couldn’t let go, this person is my only reason for life
How can they come just to leave me?
Then they fade, I’m grasping at nothing.
Kneeling on the floor, bleeding my life away
It was all a vision, a mirage, fakes.
I lie down on the cold tiles
No one is calling. I am completely alone
I let out my breath and breathe again
But I will myself to stop,
To release my soul from this world
Instead I scream.
name sake....
I'm tired of being what u want me to be,
feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
i don't know what your expecting of me
put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
Sigh, life is good at the moment, everything is just flowing along fine, and i should be happy and content at the moment. Which drives me to question why the hell i am feeling so shit! :( oh well i'll be over it soon.
feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
i don't know what your expecting of me
put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
Sigh, life is good at the moment, everything is just flowing along fine, and i should be happy and content at the moment. Which drives me to question why the hell i am feeling so shit! :( oh well i'll be over it soon.
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Exhausted, tired, wretched, all of the above?
well i must say, being sick is exhausting! especially when there is so much happening this week! well basketball tomorrow, on twisted ankle, which i will need to strap. and then SOPA (Season Of Performing Arts) stuff, and then starting on textiles stuff, along with Design and Technology and Society and Culture assignments... :S oh it shall be entertaining!
I had a bit of a teary in english today, i'm not exactly sure why, i was just tired i guess. But honestly i really just feel like i'm going no where, and that i should just give up now. I know this is just me being emotional, but i feel like such a void if filling me, and nothing is going to fill it anytime soon.
Anyway, i'll be ok, not like i want to go pull a plath anytime soon.....
I had a bit of a teary in english today, i'm not exactly sure why, i was just tired i guess. But honestly i really just feel like i'm going no where, and that i should just give up now. I know this is just me being emotional, but i feel like such a void if filling me, and nothing is going to fill it anytime soon.
Anyway, i'll be ok, not like i want to go pull a plath anytime soon.....
Monday, June 13, 2005
hi! bye!
oh sigh, i really don't like being sick, and it meant i didnt get to see Hannes today :( tear. oh well, i'll get over it, whenever i see him next... anyway school tomorrow, fun, with a cold, but we're only watching a video in english... so should be ok at least. anyways, i'm going to go for a drive with pete.
cya later!
cya later!
Thursday, June 09, 2005
ohk ppl!!!!
omg, ok, organising the TAS fashion parade, its going to be so good! me and Renay are working on it at the moment, and its heaps fun! :P
anyways so yeh, but Ms S has fully redeemed herself from the frustrations of the past week or so. we're doing the 'season' for our tas thing, and renay and i are winter :P its going to be so awesome! :P we're hoping to get a 'fog ice' machine, and it projects the fog, but it stays at ground level, until u walk thru it :) its going to be so mad! :P
yeh so i have to design something, find a pattern, and stuff, and yeh! its going to be great! in 3 weeks, we have to mae this thing :P
omg its so fun! :P
anyways so yeh, but Ms S has fully redeemed herself from the frustrations of the past week or so. we're doing the 'season' for our tas thing, and renay and i are winter :P its going to be so awesome! :P we're hoping to get a 'fog ice' machine, and it projects the fog, but it stays at ground level, until u walk thru it :) its going to be so mad! :P
yeh so i have to design something, find a pattern, and stuff, and yeh! its going to be great! in 3 weeks, we have to mae this thing :P
omg its so fun! :P
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
again not part of the bus stop series...
Did u 4get sumthing mum?
Is there sumthing u had 2 do?
Did u 4get about me mum?
Tell me its not tru
Mum i luv u but pls tell me now
Is he mor imprtnt 2 u?
Mor than me sumhow?
I dnt kno how 2 say this
I kno it'll hurt u
But sumhow i hav 2
Or else i jst wnt pull thru
I hate him mum
2 the very core
I dnt kno wat else 2 say
This is hurting mor and mor
I'm sorry mum
This hurts me 2
I dnt wnt 2 hav 2 do this
But i feel i hav 2
Is there sumthing u had 2 do?
Did u 4get about me mum?
Tell me its not tru
Mum i luv u but pls tell me now
Is he mor imprtnt 2 u?
Mor than me sumhow?
I dnt kno how 2 say this
I kno it'll hurt u
But sumhow i hav 2
Or else i jst wnt pull thru
I hate him mum
2 the very core
I dnt kno wat else 2 say
This is hurting mor and mor
I'm sorry mum
This hurts me 2
I dnt wnt 2 hav 2 do this
But i feel i hav 2
not one of the bus poems, but still, i wanted it here.
Dear Mum,
I can't tell you how beautiful it is here.
The lights surround me like a glowing blanket,
The air is warm, fresh, i feel i can breathe again.
Mum you would love it here, i know it, i covet
your happiness, hence why i don't ask you
To come join me now. That would be too much
The world there was too demanding for me you see
Thats why i came here, and why i can't do lunch.
I'm sorry i left so suddenly mum, something came up
But life is like that isn't it mum? especially for you
Rushing around keeping everyone happy, your charm
Always fell on the right faces like it would always do.
I'm sad i had to leave mum, i didn't want to go
But something was pulling me, saying that peace awaited
My arrival. Although i didn't find it i'm happy waiting.
One day when you come mum then i'll know to what i'm fated
The world here is wonderous, i've never felt happier
i really did love you mum, even with all your flaws
i know your grieving for me mum, but know i am at peace
the time is nearing for the gates to close, slowly i hear the calls
My time is coming to a close mum, i really have to go
I know i caused you pain mum, but this is the last time
i hope. Life awaits me here, i'm going to find one
One that will be good enough for you, don't worry, i'll be fine.
I can't tell you how beautiful it is here.
The lights surround me like a glowing blanket,
The air is warm, fresh, i feel i can breathe again.
Mum you would love it here, i know it, i covet
your happiness, hence why i don't ask you
To come join me now. That would be too much
The world there was too demanding for me you see
Thats why i came here, and why i can't do lunch.
I'm sorry i left so suddenly mum, something came up
But life is like that isn't it mum? especially for you
Rushing around keeping everyone happy, your charm
Always fell on the right faces like it would always do.
I'm sad i had to leave mum, i didn't want to go
But something was pulling me, saying that peace awaited
My arrival. Although i didn't find it i'm happy waiting.
One day when you come mum then i'll know to what i'm fated
The world here is wonderous, i've never felt happier
i really did love you mum, even with all your flaws
i know your grieving for me mum, but know i am at peace
the time is nearing for the gates to close, slowly i hear the calls
My time is coming to a close mum, i really have to go
I know i caused you pain mum, but this is the last time
i hope. Life awaits me here, i'm going to find one
One that will be good enough for you, don't worry, i'll be fine.
poetry
The people slowly pass me by,
I sit here and watch them go.
Absorbed in their own little lives,
I wonder what makes it so.
Humans are wonderous creatures.
Dexterious, agile, gentle and cruel.
A volatile mix of emotionals,
Now raised on hour de ourves once raised on gruel.
Life,the conflict of death and brith,
The continual challenge to remain,
Humans naievity, the creatures instinct.
The gutter, symbolic of the legacies gain.
The rush of life, the people hurry past,
The humans legacy continues, will the creatures' last?
I sit here and watch them go.
Absorbed in their own little lives,
I wonder what makes it so.
Humans are wonderous creatures.
Dexterious, agile, gentle and cruel.
A volatile mix of emotionals,
Now raised on hour de ourves once raised on gruel.
Life,the conflict of death and brith,
The continual challenge to remain,
Humans naievity, the creatures instinct.
The gutter, symbolic of the legacies gain.
The rush of life, the people hurry past,
The humans legacy continues, will the creatures' last?
well hi there again, this is not a blog in which i am going to post a poem, thats in tomorrows blog. But at the moment, i would like to share, that i has twisted my ankle, and it is really hurting!
I did it in basketball, in viurtually the first 30 seconds, i foul a chick on the other team, and i fall over, smash my right side, and twist my ankle.... great fun...
so yesms, i'm going to have a hot shower, and ice it again, whilst i do textiles or english stuff...
in pain signing off.
sheri
I did it in basketball, in viurtually the first 30 seconds, i foul a chick on the other team, and i fall over, smash my right side, and twist my ankle.... great fun...
so yesms, i'm going to have a hot shower, and ice it again, whilst i do textiles or english stuff...
in pain signing off.
sheri
Monday, June 06, 2005
The first instalment of poetic works from Sheri Goldie
well i said i would post some of my poems and i figured i had better put them in some kind of order or catergory. So, what i plan to do, is post them under the title of Poems From The Bus, as that is where these will mostly come from. In the mornings, catching the early bus, it is very nice, i do enjoy it, and previously i have had inspiration from it all, just now i'm putting the effort in to write it....
so yes, i'm just going to post them when i can, so they're going to be all over the place, but eventually i pull them all together into a collection maybe
I like the world in the morning,
The silence and dark soothe me.
Like an empty canvas day waits,
For me to use it for something.
Dreaming whilst I'm walking,
The earth begins to spin,
Taking me with it speedily,
I lost where it all begins.
so yes, i'm just going to post them when i can, so they're going to be all over the place, but eventually i pull them all together into a collection maybe
I like the world in the morning,
The silence and dark soothe me.
Like an empty canvas day waits,
For me to use it for something.
Dreaming whilst I'm walking,
The earth begins to spin,
Taking me with it speedily,
I lost where it all begins.
well i have approx 7 minutes
yes as i said i have only about 7 minutes to write this blog, as i am blogging before i leave home, to go to ashleighs to go to school. Yesterday was fun though, we went shopping at the mall, and it was really good to have time just ourselves, even though we love all our frinds, its hard sometimes to talk with everyone there....
in anycase, i will blog some of my poems i think, but i'm just going to publish the ones that are user freindly so to speak fo the moment.
Last night i was thinking actually, that it would be funny if i typed a blog entirely without spaces! how fun would that be to read! it'd be like me talking just in type!
likeheyhowareyou?ohthatsgoodwellyouknowwhati'mhyperoncoffeeandihave
threeperiodswithmsstevenstodayanditsgonnasuck!
ok well thats a slight problem, that it won't go on to the next line, but anyway! doesn't matter.
in anycase, its about time for me to go, so i'll see you all later!
luv ya xoxoxo!
in anycase, i will blog some of my poems i think, but i'm just going to publish the ones that are user freindly so to speak fo the moment.
Last night i was thinking actually, that it would be funny if i typed a blog entirely without spaces! how fun would that be to read! it'd be like me talking just in type!
likeheyhowareyou?ohthatsgoodwellyouknowwhati'mhyperoncoffeeandihave
threeperiodswithmsstevenstodayanditsgonnasuck!
ok well thats a slight problem, that it won't go on to the next line, but anyway! doesn't matter.
in anycase, its about time for me to go, so i'll see you all later!
luv ya xoxoxo!
Sunday, June 05, 2005
Poetry
Well people how are we all? good? good :) glad to hear it, oh what? your not good? well sorry i don't want to know you if your not good! :P ;)
Ok girly but out! this is my blog space!
lol, little happy at the moment :) anyways, despite it all dad is still ok, his slip up didn't actually affect much in his progress. so that was good :) and we went there last night for dinner, which was cool, and scrabble :D
but on to the part that is relevant to the title of this blog note. i'm so happy, or at least relieved, that i've been able to start writing again. my subject matter is still a bit hazy, and i'm still just beginning to get back into it, but i'm writing poetry agian. my stories are going to take a little more to get back into, but i'm working towards it :P
in anycase, that is all for now. i'm considering posting some of my poems, but i'm undecided, i'll let u know if i do :P
luv ya! xoxoxox
Ok girly but out! this is my blog space!
lol, little happy at the moment :) anyways, despite it all dad is still ok, his slip up didn't actually affect much in his progress. so that was good :) and we went there last night for dinner, which was cool, and scrabble :D
but on to the part that is relevant to the title of this blog note. i'm so happy, or at least relieved, that i've been able to start writing again. my subject matter is still a bit hazy, and i'm still just beginning to get back into it, but i'm writing poetry agian. my stories are going to take a little more to get back into, but i'm working towards it :P
in anycase, that is all for now. i'm considering posting some of my poems, but i'm undecided, i'll let u know if i do :P
luv ya! xoxoxox
Saturday, June 04, 2005
I'm sorry for this idea which i started
i hate feeling like crap, it almost feels like its contaigous. Really, i started going into depression in year 8, when mum and dad tried to live together again, and after falling through, we moved in w/ her bf for a while whilst we moved houses. I got really down, and even though i didn't realise it at the time, that was the beginning of my desscent. i stayed off school for about 4 days. and just slept for almost the entire time. Mum and i move into our own place, but it still continues, even though i have a period of about 4-5 months where everything was ok, but then i don't know what happened. I fell, and i fell hard, (metaphorically speaking) thats when the cutting first started. andre tried to help me, and succeeded for a time. so the cutting stopped for a while.
then in year 9, i went downhill again for a while, but not as bad i guess, and i was pulled out of that reletively easily.
then year 10. year 10 was the worst so far. i fell further than ever, and i hate to admit it, but i almost found some enjoyment in it. the way i was, i was consumed by darkness, and i had that constant substnace to draw on, to ensure my survival. even though i wanted to die, i knew even then, that life does go on, and doesnt have to end just because of something small, or big or whatever.
despite this, the cuts were deeper, and there were more of them. the blood was there and so was the emotion. the poems were there, and so were the stories.
i fell, and even though i recovered somewhat, i don't know if i'll ever recover fully. once you go to a place like that, you never forget how to get there, and there is nothing to stop you, apart from yourself, from going back.
i wish i could let myself go back sometimes, but i know what that would do. i know that that is giing in to this world, and forfieting the argument, loosing the arguement, which is something i cant stand.
This is what scares me with some other people i know, because i know everyone thinks differently, but i do know that once there, there is no way that place ever leaves you. whcih is why i'm worried when people want to go there, seemingly, just for the sake of it.....
the thing is, it feels like i was the one who started a huge chain reaction, i was the first to fall of our groups, and then like dominos people fell after me, there was ash, and nat, and then there was cassy, and anika, who while having their own issues, only seemed to consider dying after i did. I know i shouldn't blame myself, but i feel really guilty at putting this image of suicide into peoples heads...
sorry everyone..... it'll be over soon.
then in year 9, i went downhill again for a while, but not as bad i guess, and i was pulled out of that reletively easily.
then year 10. year 10 was the worst so far. i fell further than ever, and i hate to admit it, but i almost found some enjoyment in it. the way i was, i was consumed by darkness, and i had that constant substnace to draw on, to ensure my survival. even though i wanted to die, i knew even then, that life does go on, and doesnt have to end just because of something small, or big or whatever.
despite this, the cuts were deeper, and there were more of them. the blood was there and so was the emotion. the poems were there, and so were the stories.
i fell, and even though i recovered somewhat, i don't know if i'll ever recover fully. once you go to a place like that, you never forget how to get there, and there is nothing to stop you, apart from yourself, from going back.
i wish i could let myself go back sometimes, but i know what that would do. i know that that is giing in to this world, and forfieting the argument, loosing the arguement, which is something i cant stand.
This is what scares me with some other people i know, because i know everyone thinks differently, but i do know that once there, there is no way that place ever leaves you. whcih is why i'm worried when people want to go there, seemingly, just for the sake of it.....
the thing is, it feels like i was the one who started a huge chain reaction, i was the first to fall of our groups, and then like dominos people fell after me, there was ash, and nat, and then there was cassy, and anika, who while having their own issues, only seemed to consider dying after i did. I know i shouldn't blame myself, but i feel really guilty at putting this image of suicide into peoples heads...
sorry everyone..... it'll be over soon.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
i will.... i promise...
hey, well i'm feeling a bit better today, but not alot, seeing as i'm home, and mum in out, and i'm stuck here with greg..... :( it sucks. thanks for ur support guys, i love u all! but really, i am ok, just not feeling too crash hot due to people and thoughts....... in any case, i will get through this! i know i will, just there are minor issues which i need to work through....
i will get through this
i will get through this
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Tears
I used to cry over alot of things, now i cry because i have nothing to cry over.
i have nothing, yet everything to write about. Although nothing is driving me to write. i have so little left in me, i feel lost. like i'm swimming inside the cavern of my body, so small, not fitting in the space i used to accomodate.
Although i have so much to write about, i don't know if i could, i'm almost too scared to start writing, even though i desire it so much! honestly i want so much from my life, but currently i just feel like i'm drowning... just with everything, i mean i have a good life, i'm not denying that. i've been very very lucky in my time. i'm trying to gain sympathy for my 'terribly hard life' or because i'm from a 'broken family' but i just feel like i'm dying inside.
i don't know whats wrong with me, really, i just wish dad hadn't had a drink this afternoon. all the work everyone has done, to help, to support him, its all fallen through. i believed so much that this would work. i want to believe that this is only a minor slip up so badly. but i don't know even where to start, on how this is going to be fixed. honestly i'm almost to the point where i don't want it fixed. i mean what good will that do? its just going to screw up agian! i'm not going to put my faith in something or someone, when they're just going to break my heart! i love him so much, i just don't know what i'm supposed to do. there is no way this can not affect me, but i cant go on, if i do let it. i'm almost past the point of crying. i just want peace. i don't know what i'm supposed to do....
death to life....
i have nothing, yet everything to write about. Although nothing is driving me to write. i have so little left in me, i feel lost. like i'm swimming inside the cavern of my body, so small, not fitting in the space i used to accomodate.
Although i have so much to write about, i don't know if i could, i'm almost too scared to start writing, even though i desire it so much! honestly i want so much from my life, but currently i just feel like i'm drowning... just with everything, i mean i have a good life, i'm not denying that. i've been very very lucky in my time. i'm trying to gain sympathy for my 'terribly hard life' or because i'm from a 'broken family' but i just feel like i'm dying inside.
i don't know whats wrong with me, really, i just wish dad hadn't had a drink this afternoon. all the work everyone has done, to help, to support him, its all fallen through. i believed so much that this would work. i want to believe that this is only a minor slip up so badly. but i don't know even where to start, on how this is going to be fixed. honestly i'm almost to the point where i don't want it fixed. i mean what good will that do? its just going to screw up agian! i'm not going to put my faith in something or someone, when they're just going to break my heart! i love him so much, i just don't know what i'm supposed to do. there is no way this can not affect me, but i cant go on, if i do let it. i'm almost past the point of crying. i just want peace. i don't know what i'm supposed to do....
death to life....
Sometimes i wish i could go back....
I'm so drained at the moment, really, i wish i could go back..... and when i say go back, i mean to that place that came so close to destroying me. Really, i liked being there, not really in a good way, but still i was something there. there was substance to me, and i had something to cry about. Now i cry because i have nothing to cry over. or at least i didn't until mum came home. Now i'm just trying to work out what i want to do, and what i should do...
sorry if this is freaking people out, and really i am ok, i'm not going to do a plath, and stick my head in an oven or whatever. but i feel empty, even though i was happy, and life was great, i still felt empty and drained, from even the small bad things, just as much as i used to be during the bad times. So i couldn't see the point in not going back there seeing as things are affecting me to the same extent anyway just without reason to!
Just when i was there, when i was depressed and all that, i had something, i had anger, i had hate, or i had saddness, i had something, and i had something to write about, and i had something to draw on. I had an eternal source of emotion. When i'm happy, i'm not writing, i'm not doing anything like that anymore, because i don't need to. i don't need that emotional outlet. I want to write, i want to so badly, but i have nothing to write on! or at least i do, just i can't express myself.
Well life isn't a bed of roses, we all know that, and challenges are set for us to conquer, but still, i want to go back there so bad! i've wanted it for weeks now, and its scary! i'm scaring myself, and i don't even know why i want it so bad! but in anycase, i shall leave this here, and go and contemplate the happenings of today, and possibly write a poem or two....
sorry if this is freaking people out, and really i am ok, i'm not going to do a plath, and stick my head in an oven or whatever. but i feel empty, even though i was happy, and life was great, i still felt empty and drained, from even the small bad things, just as much as i used to be during the bad times. So i couldn't see the point in not going back there seeing as things are affecting me to the same extent anyway just without reason to!
Just when i was there, when i was depressed and all that, i had something, i had anger, i had hate, or i had saddness, i had something, and i had something to write about, and i had something to draw on. I had an eternal source of emotion. When i'm happy, i'm not writing, i'm not doing anything like that anymore, because i don't need to. i don't need that emotional outlet. I want to write, i want to so badly, but i have nothing to write on! or at least i do, just i can't express myself.
Well life isn't a bed of roses, we all know that, and challenges are set for us to conquer, but still, i want to go back there so bad! i've wanted it for weeks now, and its scary! i'm scaring myself, and i don't even know why i want it so bad! but in anycase, i shall leave this here, and go and contemplate the happenings of today, and possibly write a poem or two....
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