Well due to all the partying and such i have been extremely slack in blogging.. to date, shcoolies my 18th and monty's will all pass without due recognition on this here blog. SO i shall endeavour for some quick summaries now..
SCHOOLIES:
Great fun, fishing, sunbaking, gokarting, it was awesome. Playing King of Beers, breaking up, and getting back together with Tom, meeting randoms at a beach party. Fishing almost every day, then hiring a tinny and only catching 2 baby snapper. A BBQ with some beautiful steak. Movies, drinking dancing and general festivities, a wonderfully fun week all up!
MY 18TH PARTY:
Dinner at the RMYC, great fun drinking and hanging out with people, seeing Juanita my niece for the first time! A fun and mostly tame night, until people came back to forestville. . . Then Tom got rather smashed, and had some great times with my brother ken, and friends. Ken's hole is still in the front lawn from his standstill.
MONTY'S:
Still not sure whats gonna happen, but shall be fun nonetheless. Going down to the pub with him and ppl later this evening for drinks and food.
ciao beautifuls xoxo
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Friday, December 15, 2006
Sunday, December 10, 2006
lil update
Well it has indeed been a long time since i last blogged... mainly due in part to being on schoolies for the past week! Let me say it was awesome. I'll blog again soon to update on the details, and photos will be appearing on my piczo site once i fix it up properly. Other news is that welll... formal was amazing, floating around Sydney Harbour on the Glass Island was really special. Again, photos will be likely to appear on my piczo. In anycase, i'm going to go play with photos and be back later! :)
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
An Excerpt from "Rose and Ophelia"
People are entering the streets as I unlock the front door to the shop. A jogger passes by and Rose, sitting by me feet, sniffs in his direction. I step into the shop, followed by Rose, who lightly pats her way around the shelves until she reaches her corner. She sits on her cushion and watches me as I move about the shop checking the shelves, and turning the sign on the door to ‘Open.’ I pour out a dish of water for Rose; she sniffs at it tentatively before lapping quietly. The morning passes slowly, Sally is out of town for the week, and so I’m on my own. The clock ticks over to 11:03 and Greg walks in the door. Rose lifts her head in recognition as he passes. Greg’s a regular patron and visits the shop about once a week during his lunch-break. He walks to the counter “Hi Ophelia, how are we today?” he asks casually, I reply “Slow, but it’s to be expected. Are you looking for a book?” he laughs softly and nods, “I am actually, for my son. He still doesn’t want to read much, that book on cars didn’t keep his interest long.” I nod to him I’m familiar with the story. Stepping from behind the counter, I lead Greg through the shop; I say, “For a boy to not enjoy cars and bikes, he must be special”. Standing in the fiction section of the shop, I scan the titles. “He’ll probably be interested in something very different to other boys his age, so let’s try something new.” Selecting a medium sized novel, I hand it to Greg. “It’s a fantasy/mystery; it might be more appealing to him than motors.” I watch as Greg slowly reads the blurb on the back. “Weren’t you going to bring in some of your own stories to try on him?” He smiles and I consider letting him, “Not just yet”, I respond”, Try him on this first, and we’ll see how we go.” I smile politely and walk back to the counter. Greg stays a moment before following. He pays for the book, and declining a bag, he walks out the door. I’m not sure Greg, or his son is ready for my style of writing, which is why I don’t let either of them read it. I’ll let them when they’re ready. Until then I bide my time.
The remainder of the day passes uneventfully, the clock on the wall reaches eight minutes to five; I begin to shut things down. Rose sits up and arches her back yawning, “Alright for some of us” I say to her, she sits and looks back at me, licks her nose and pads her way to sit by my satchel. I walk around the shelves one final time, tidying the shelves. Then I hear the front door open, I walk to the end of the shelves, and say, “Can I help you with anything?” A young girl greets me, she appears to be about my age, possibly younger, her hair is long, and her clothes are all black. Despite her clothes, she doesn’t appear to be gothic but there is something different about this girl, she smiles and me, and quietly she asks, “Umm, is it all right for me to have a quick look around?” I glance up at the clock, five to five, “Sure,” I reply, “Are you looking for anything in particular?” the young girl shakes her head, I nod and smile, and walk back to the counter. I watch her move to the non-fiction side of the shop and peruse the titles. She reaches out to pick one up, but stops mid flight. A young man enters the store, and nodding to me, walks over to her. The girl has let her hand drop, and she turns to face this lad. I recognize him as a local waiter; He speaks softly to the girl, she nods her head, and the young lad walks out the door.
Then it hits me, it’s her eyes that are different, dark brown in color, her eyelashes are thick, and her brows are perfectly shaped. None of this is particularly unusual, but it’s the deep, dark sadness lurking in those deep brown eyes that strikes you. Even as she smiles, the sadness doesn’t disappear. The young girl walks to the counter, and I ask softly, “Can I help you?” The girl looks down at her hands and says, “Umm, yes, that was Darien, and he want to know; Are you Ophelia?” I nod silently, wondering why he wants to know such a thing. The girl looks up at me and says, “Ok, and umm, he asked if you would let him read some of your stories sometime?” A little surprised, I respond, “I don’t know if he’s ready for my stories yet, but how does he know I write?” The young girl appears uncomfortable with the question, and I wonder if she will answer it. Finally, she breathes in and says, “I don’t know how he knows, but I know that he wants to ask you for help eventually. I’m not sure what he wants you to do, but it’s for the Prince of the Night, my grandfather. Apparently your parents were involved with the vampires and the crows, and Darien wants your help to find Lexus.” The girl meets my eyes, and I can barely utter a word, “Who? How? What?” I say as I meet her sad eyes with my confused thoughts, “I don’t know what you’re on about, vampires, princes, it means nothing to me.” The young girl sighs and looks at her hands again. Placing them folded on the counter, she mutters something under her breath, slowly she opens her hands and where they had laid, a beautiful blossom now rested. I’m glad for the seat under me; I can barely believe the feat I had just witnessed. Quietly the girl utters something else, and the blossom begins to grow, slowly at first, its blood red petals rising through the air, below it extends a luminous green stem. Leaves begin to sprout and the whole flower floats before my eyes. Gently, the young girl’s hands clasp the flower stem, and her head lifts. Her eyes meet mine, and she lays the flower down on the counter. In a voice soft, yet clear she says, “You’re the Daughter of the Night, you may not realize it, but after a few days, you shall. Tonight take the flower home, by tomorrow morning you shall understand better.” After saying these enigmatic words, the young girl walked out of the shop and onto the street. I watch her walk down the street, and I suddenly have the urge to follow her. I run out the door, but I can see no sign of the girl or Darien. Sighing heavily, I return inside, pick up my satchel, turn out the lights and slowly walk out the door.
The remainder of the day passes uneventfully, the clock on the wall reaches eight minutes to five; I begin to shut things down. Rose sits up and arches her back yawning, “Alright for some of us” I say to her, she sits and looks back at me, licks her nose and pads her way to sit by my satchel. I walk around the shelves one final time, tidying the shelves. Then I hear the front door open, I walk to the end of the shelves, and say, “Can I help you with anything?” A young girl greets me, she appears to be about my age, possibly younger, her hair is long, and her clothes are all black. Despite her clothes, she doesn’t appear to be gothic but there is something different about this girl, she smiles and me, and quietly she asks, “Umm, is it all right for me to have a quick look around?” I glance up at the clock, five to five, “Sure,” I reply, “Are you looking for anything in particular?” the young girl shakes her head, I nod and smile, and walk back to the counter. I watch her move to the non-fiction side of the shop and peruse the titles. She reaches out to pick one up, but stops mid flight. A young man enters the store, and nodding to me, walks over to her. The girl has let her hand drop, and she turns to face this lad. I recognize him as a local waiter; He speaks softly to the girl, she nods her head, and the young lad walks out the door.
Then it hits me, it’s her eyes that are different, dark brown in color, her eyelashes are thick, and her brows are perfectly shaped. None of this is particularly unusual, but it’s the deep, dark sadness lurking in those deep brown eyes that strikes you. Even as she smiles, the sadness doesn’t disappear. The young girl walks to the counter, and I ask softly, “Can I help you?” The girl looks down at her hands and says, “Umm, yes, that was Darien, and he want to know; Are you Ophelia?” I nod silently, wondering why he wants to know such a thing. The girl looks up at me and says, “Ok, and umm, he asked if you would let him read some of your stories sometime?” A little surprised, I respond, “I don’t know if he’s ready for my stories yet, but how does he know I write?” The young girl appears uncomfortable with the question, and I wonder if she will answer it. Finally, she breathes in and says, “I don’t know how he knows, but I know that he wants to ask you for help eventually. I’m not sure what he wants you to do, but it’s for the Prince of the Night, my grandfather. Apparently your parents were involved with the vampires and the crows, and Darien wants your help to find Lexus.” The girl meets my eyes, and I can barely utter a word, “Who? How? What?” I say as I meet her sad eyes with my confused thoughts, “I don’t know what you’re on about, vampires, princes, it means nothing to me.” The young girl sighs and looks at her hands again. Placing them folded on the counter, she mutters something under her breath, slowly she opens her hands and where they had laid, a beautiful blossom now rested. I’m glad for the seat under me; I can barely believe the feat I had just witnessed. Quietly the girl utters something else, and the blossom begins to grow, slowly at first, its blood red petals rising through the air, below it extends a luminous green stem. Leaves begin to sprout and the whole flower floats before my eyes. Gently, the young girl’s hands clasp the flower stem, and her head lifts. Her eyes meet mine, and she lays the flower down on the counter. In a voice soft, yet clear she says, “You’re the Daughter of the Night, you may not realize it, but after a few days, you shall. Tonight take the flower home, by tomorrow morning you shall understand better.” After saying these enigmatic words, the young girl walked out of the shop and onto the street. I watch her walk down the street, and I suddenly have the urge to follow her. I run out the door, but I can see no sign of the girl or Darien. Sighing heavily, I return inside, pick up my satchel, turn out the lights and slowly walk out the door.
Friday, November 03, 2006
Saturday, October 28, 2006
2 to go....
Well i have two exams left, and i'm feeling ok about them. Not so sure about extension, but i still have time at least.
Last night was fun, ppl came over and watched movies, and i unfortunaty had a bit much to drink, and was in fits of giggles for a large part of the night. However a good night indeed.
Current;y i am considering going for a bath, and chilling out while my head is still in the process of recovering... :P
in anycase, not much else is new, apart from planning my 18th! :D It's so exciting!!! :P
Last night was fun, ppl came over and watched movies, and i unfortunaty had a bit much to drink, and was in fits of giggles for a large part of the night. However a good night indeed.
Current;y i am considering going for a bath, and chilling out while my head is still in the process of recovering... :P
in anycase, not much else is new, apart from planning my 18th! :D It's so exciting!!! :P
Monday, October 23, 2006
Exams... 4 to go!
OK, almost have english out of the way, only the extension exam to go, and thank god i have four days beforehand free in which to prepare. Wednesday is Ancient History, Friday is Business Services, then the following Friday is Extension followed by Textiles on the Monday.
Today was English paper two, a bitch of a paper, and i only realise now what the last question meant after it was pointed out by a Standard English student... i feel rather small...
In other news, i have just attended a Storm Financial Information evening, a very interesting night, and a very interesting perspective on how to make money work. Mainly about investing money in shares, and about doing it safely so that even if everything crashes, you have a way out that pays off any money you borrow investing. So basically you borrow to invest, but the investment pays itself off in the long run... Mum and dad are setting up an account for my birthday for me, but keeping it in trust until i'm 28 or something, which will be very beneficial further down the track.
In anycase, sleep beckons, and i bid you adieu!
xoxox
Today was English paper two, a bitch of a paper, and i only realise now what the last question meant after it was pointed out by a Standard English student... i feel rather small...
In other news, i have just attended a Storm Financial Information evening, a very interesting night, and a very interesting perspective on how to make money work. Mainly about investing money in shares, and about doing it safely so that even if everything crashes, you have a way out that pays off any money you borrow investing. So basically you borrow to invest, but the investment pays itself off in the long run... Mum and dad are setting up an account for my birthday for me, but keeping it in trust until i'm 28 or something, which will be very beneficial further down the track.
In anycase, sleep beckons, and i bid you adieu!
xoxox
Friday, October 20, 2006
Sometimes...
Sometimes i just feel like crying. i don't know why, i just do. and nothing helps until i cry.
I want to feel loved, desperately.
I don't want to feel alone, even when surrounded by people.
I want to escape from my life, and get away. I want to go somewhere away from everyone.
I hate myself for being selfish.
I hate myself for hating myself...
I want to feel loved, desperately.
I don't want to feel alone, even when surrounded by people.
I want to escape from my life, and get away. I want to go somewhere away from everyone.
I hate myself for being selfish.
I hate myself for hating myself...
Monday, October 16, 2006
minor update
Well the move was successful... mostly, besides the fact it was moving and all... My bedroom has been converted temporarily to a box room, and i am residing at dads until after the exams. which is good, just i'm apprehensive over it. Nothing more has been said about rehabilitation or detox programs, i'm not one to ask either, although i should.
I'm glad no one really reads this anymore, its gives something of a freedom to what i say and put down here. . .
I miss Samara and Meliessa terribly.
I miss having close friends, well close friends who are my friends anyway...
I want to move out.
I want to go away somewhere for a couple of days, and just dissapear for a little bit...
so if you ever can't find me, thats probably what i've done.
I'm glad no one really reads this anymore, its gives something of a freedom to what i say and put down here. . .
I miss Samara and Meliessa terribly.
I miss having close friends, well close friends who are my friends anyway...
I want to move out.
I want to go away somewhere for a couple of days, and just dissapear for a little bit...
so if you ever can't find me, thats probably what i've done.
Monday, October 09, 2006
Late night reflections on me...
Why do I have to be fixated on the idea that this is it? Why can I not be realistic about this and see it as a ‘high school fling’ and be done with it?
I don’t want to view it as that, that is why. I don’t want to be my mother, and go through a series of relationships with little emotion, only to serve an end purpose. I don’t want to be left alone with second best at the end of the day. I want to feel loved, happy, and content with my life in the way that I feel my mother and father are not.
I want my life to work basically, and if I don’t feel like I’m making progress towards that now, I think that that is when I question what I’m doing, and when my views clash with those of others.
I’m desperate to write, but I have neither the time nor the inspiration. It’s eating away inside me this need, and I can’t help but feel I am neglecting myself. I want to write, and I need to study, but I don’t feel I have a comfortable place to do either in. Not where I feel it’s appropriate anyway. I have a little over a week to go, and I haven barely scratched the surface of what I need to know. I hate myself for it, and I hate myself for hating myself.
I don’t want to view it as that, that is why. I don’t want to be my mother, and go through a series of relationships with little emotion, only to serve an end purpose. I don’t want to be left alone with second best at the end of the day. I want to feel loved, happy, and content with my life in the way that I feel my mother and father are not.
I want my life to work basically, and if I don’t feel like I’m making progress towards that now, I think that that is when I question what I’m doing, and when my views clash with those of others.
I’m desperate to write, but I have neither the time nor the inspiration. It’s eating away inside me this need, and I can’t help but feel I am neglecting myself. I want to write, and I need to study, but I don’t feel I have a comfortable place to do either in. Not where I feel it’s appropriate anyway. I have a little over a week to go, and I haven barely scratched the surface of what I need to know. I hate myself for it, and I hate myself for hating myself.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Living on the road...
Well i haven't blogged since the holidays began, or the 'study break' as it is supposed to be known. I'm getting worried about the exams, because i haven't been studying as i should be. next week hopefull might be a bit more settled after the move though, and we have the stuvac week after that as well which will be good. So there is still hope.
Christian Lawrence McLennan is doing fine, and is goingto be another beautiful McLennan boy like his brothers. Although its going to be interesting to see how he turns out seeing as Nick and Mitch are so different...
Juanita is due to have her christining in December, and its looking like its going to be an interesting Christmas. Dad is not likely to be invited to the Goldie Christmas party, neither is Ken and Megan.
Its annoying how things are going, but theres not a lot that can be done... no one can be bothered trying anymore. Especialy with dad...
In my life, well things are ok, i'm still getting upset over dad and the whole concept of moing. I went with mum to see the house the other day, its nice, but smaller than was imagined. Its going to be tough, and i don't know how things will go. Theres enough rooms to have an office, and so in there is going gregs comp, mums comp and a bed for bradley... and there isn't enough room in my room to have a desk, so i don't know how its going to go with the work/study situatiuon if i have to work in the same room as greg. Considering that he won't be in there all the time, it should be ok, but all the same its potentially explosive.
He was really annoying when we looked at the house though, he seems to have some funny idea that we all should have a television in the bedrooms, or that we all want one... its so hard not to snap at him. Its not that he's being rude or anything, i just don't like him talking to me or anything, its hard to try and get along when you don't want to know the person.
So now i am still living on the road, mostly at chatswood, but also at, frenchs forest and forestville, when dad is not off the planet.
so thats me for now...
adieu xo
Christian Lawrence McLennan is doing fine, and is goingto be another beautiful McLennan boy like his brothers. Although its going to be interesting to see how he turns out seeing as Nick and Mitch are so different...
Juanita is due to have her christining in December, and its looking like its going to be an interesting Christmas. Dad is not likely to be invited to the Goldie Christmas party, neither is Ken and Megan.
Its annoying how things are going, but theres not a lot that can be done... no one can be bothered trying anymore. Especialy with dad...
In my life, well things are ok, i'm still getting upset over dad and the whole concept of moing. I went with mum to see the house the other day, its nice, but smaller than was imagined. Its going to be tough, and i don't know how things will go. Theres enough rooms to have an office, and so in there is going gregs comp, mums comp and a bed for bradley... and there isn't enough room in my room to have a desk, so i don't know how its going to go with the work/study situatiuon if i have to work in the same room as greg. Considering that he won't be in there all the time, it should be ok, but all the same its potentially explosive.
He was really annoying when we looked at the house though, he seems to have some funny idea that we all should have a television in the bedrooms, or that we all want one... its so hard not to snap at him. Its not that he's being rude or anything, i just don't like him talking to me or anything, its hard to try and get along when you don't want to know the person.
So now i am still living on the road, mostly at chatswood, but also at, frenchs forest and forestville, when dad is not off the planet.
so thats me for now...
adieu xo
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Change
Well it seems its all over. High school is finished, and once exams are over for me on the 6th of November, i won't ever need to go back, except for graduation/formal. It hasn't sunk in yet, just how much of a massive change this will be in my life. since i can remember school has been my life. Now its not going to be anymore, and to make such a dramatic transition would normally warrant some kind of emotional upheaval. Not yet.
Changing times, and changing perceptions. Its all about growing and maturing. I hate it when english is right, but it is, life and everything we do is about journeys and change. Nothing will ever change that, as much as we may pray. As the click-and-go generation we are ever more reliant on information and technology. We have less time to investigate, and more time to consume... its a scary world we are entering.
Time to discuss and evaluate our position in society...
Changing times, and changing perceptions. Its all about growing and maturing. I hate it when english is right, but it is, life and everything we do is about journeys and change. Nothing will ever change that, as much as we may pray. As the click-and-go generation we are ever more reliant on information and technology. We have less time to investigate, and more time to consume... its a scary world we are entering.
Time to discuss and evaluate our position in society...
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
It's that time again...
Yes, it is that time again… Time to log my thoughts here on my blog… I wish things wouldn’t get so complicated and mixed up right when they shouldn’t.
I’m moving house on the 13th of October to a house in Normanhurst. My HSC exams start on the 20th of October. It’s going to be an interesting situation, and not one that I’m going to enjoy at first I don’t imagine. It’s a long drive from there to Frenchs Forest/Davidson/Belrose, and I’m thinking it shall be hard to stay in touch with people apart from the nearest and dearest.
However, on the flipside, I am fortunate that I’ve met someone from the area without even realising it at first, Joel, Renay’s boyfriend, lives on Pennant Hills Road, not far from where I’m moving. So that’s a positive at least.
In other news, Belinda had a baby boy the other day. 11.11 am on the 8th of September to be precise. Christain Lawrence McLennan is now the newest addition to the family.
That Makes me an auntie six times over :P Go Me!
Luv to you all.... xoxoxo
I’m moving house on the 13th of October to a house in Normanhurst. My HSC exams start on the 20th of October. It’s going to be an interesting situation, and not one that I’m going to enjoy at first I don’t imagine. It’s a long drive from there to Frenchs Forest/Davidson/Belrose, and I’m thinking it shall be hard to stay in touch with people apart from the nearest and dearest.
However, on the flipside, I am fortunate that I’ve met someone from the area without even realising it at first, Joel, Renay’s boyfriend, lives on Pennant Hills Road, not far from where I’m moving. So that’s a positive at least.
In other news, Belinda had a baby boy the other day. 11.11 am on the 8th of September to be precise. Christain Lawrence McLennan is now the newest addition to the family.
That Makes me an auntie six times over :P Go Me!
Luv to you all.... xoxoxo
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Happy Birthday to my Tommyness!
Well today is Tom's birthday, and it is a grand day to turn 17. Its also great for me seeing as now i'm not going out with a 16 year old :P but its good, and we're going out for dinner tonight which shall be most pleasant.
In other news, well there isn't much other news... Sheree may be getting a job in Canberra, and if she does may end up moving there. Mum is hopefully going to take me to see the house in Normanhurst tomorrow afternoon, and on friday i think tom, myself and a few others will be going tout to the city to have dinner somewhere to celebrate his birthday further :P
So i shall leave this update as it is and go have a drink...
ciao xoxo
In other news, well there isn't much other news... Sheree may be getting a job in Canberra, and if she does may end up moving there. Mum is hopefully going to take me to see the house in Normanhurst tomorrow afternoon, and on friday i think tom, myself and a few others will be going tout to the city to have dinner somewhere to celebrate his birthday further :P
So i shall leave this update as it is and go have a drink...
ciao xoxo
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Its Done...
I've handed in both my major works, they have been sent in for marking and now i am able to concentrate on the exams and the rest of my subjects. I'm still unsure about letting my family read my english major work though, i feel that it is so much a part of me and my being, that having them read it will take part of me and show it to them and i don't know if i want them to see that side of me. In anycase i shall decide more about that matter once i recieve my work back from the Board of Studies.
In other affairs, the sale of the apartment has hit another stumbling block. It appears the buyer thinks the building is too old, and so was delaying the sale, and has since backed out i think. although mum and greg are still looking at Normanhurst. I can see why, due to the cost elsewhere, and in Normanhurst we would be able to buy a house, however, i still don't know if i like it.
I'm gradually getting more and more frustrated with school, it is not something i'm enjoying at the moment and i just want it to be over. I feel i am floundering in most of my subjects, especially english, and i'm not as confident with my subjects as i would like to be. I do, however, need to put it all in perspective, something i am coming to understand more readily. I'm realising that it won't be the end of the world, whatever my results, and i will be able to succeed in life if i want to.
I would like to end with an apoligy for my recent grumpyness. I don't know what brought it on, it would appear to be a number of factors, none of which i am able to identify readily. But i am sorry, and will try to improve my disposition in thr future.
Hugs and Kisses...
In other affairs, the sale of the apartment has hit another stumbling block. It appears the buyer thinks the building is too old, and so was delaying the sale, and has since backed out i think. although mum and greg are still looking at Normanhurst. I can see why, due to the cost elsewhere, and in Normanhurst we would be able to buy a house, however, i still don't know if i like it.
I'm gradually getting more and more frustrated with school, it is not something i'm enjoying at the moment and i just want it to be over. I feel i am floundering in most of my subjects, especially english, and i'm not as confident with my subjects as i would like to be. I do, however, need to put it all in perspective, something i am coming to understand more readily. I'm realising that it won't be the end of the world, whatever my results, and i will be able to succeed in life if i want to.
I would like to end with an apoligy for my recent grumpyness. I don't know what brought it on, it would appear to be a number of factors, none of which i am able to identify readily. But i am sorry, and will try to improve my disposition in thr future.
Hugs and Kisses...
Monday, August 21, 2006
New Developments
Over the past few weeks i have been living in Chatswood, its been an interesting experience. I don't like living with Greg, and living this far from school is somewhat frustration. Otherwise though, things are more stable now than what they were. So realistically i suppose its a good thing, however i don't like the idea of moving to Normanhurst.
Yes i may be moving to a suburb of Sydney named Normanhurst, i have no concept of where it is apart from the fact that its near Pennent Hills Road... Wherever that is.
In other news, Tom and i are going well, dad is going fine, and school is starting to straighten ut into some kind of order. Now that i have handed in my major work for textiles, and will be handing in my english major work next year i am finding a lot of extra time to work on other things, or i will after tomorrow.
I'm really nervous about handing in my english major work, its been so intergral to my life for so long that i don't know what i'm going to do without it... I'm thinking i'm going to start working on my next project. Or try to work on it amongst the other studies.
So that is me i suppose, and it will do for the moment.
Ciao xoxo
Yes i may be moving to a suburb of Sydney named Normanhurst, i have no concept of where it is apart from the fact that its near Pennent Hills Road... Wherever that is.
In other news, Tom and i are going well, dad is going fine, and school is starting to straighten ut into some kind of order. Now that i have handed in my major work for textiles, and will be handing in my english major work next year i am finding a lot of extra time to work on other things, or i will after tomorrow.
I'm really nervous about handing in my english major work, its been so intergral to my life for so long that i don't know what i'm going to do without it... I'm thinking i'm going to start working on my next project. Or try to work on it amongst the other studies.
So that is me i suppose, and it will do for the moment.
Ciao xoxo
Sunday, August 13, 2006
In the end it doesnt even matter
Well the trials are over and we're beginning to get our marks back. So far i have topped textiles and business services, i'm ranked at 18th in Advanced English with 68/105, which isn't so bad, but i would be nice if it were a bit higher. I'm still waiting onextension and anceint history, which is the one i'm most owrried about. We got through to Rock Eistedfod Grand Finals, and i am handing in my textiles major work tomorrow morning.
I'm scared. I'm franticly working on my textiles, and i'm still not sure if i'll get my folio done on time... its scary. I have been a stress wreck and i don't know how i'm going to go with finishing my extension 2 english either.
In the end...
I kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I tried
so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
i think this is my song for the HSC. to remind myself that it doesnt matter, even if i have screwed it up.... especially after thinking back on the work i did up until this point.
I'm scared. I'm franticly working on my textiles, and i'm still not sure if i'll get my folio done on time... its scary. I have been a stress wreck and i don't know how i'm going to go with finishing my extension 2 english either.
In the end...
I kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I tried
so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
i think this is my song for the HSC. to remind myself that it doesnt matter, even if i have screwed it up.... especially after thinking back on the work i did up until this point.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
more on me...
The trials are at halfway, and i have two exams to go...
I have ancient history tomorrow, which i really don't want to do. I hate it now, i'm so frustrated with it and it is driving me up the wall. Besides the fact that i can't do it, i'm finding it too much to remember. I then have Textiles on Friday, which is scary. Mainly because i'm not feeling confident about it as i used to.
I am also finding myself in a dilemma in that i don't know what i want to do after my HSC, and what i want to do about my dad and the rest of my family. As i have said repeatedly, when dad is fine, everything is good. When he isnt fine, everything goes to shite. I love him dearly, but there are moments when i just don't know what to do. I don't want to go stay with my mum, because of Greg, and there are times when i don't want to stay with dad, because of whats going on, and i don't want to look like i'm abandoning him too...
I'm in a state of indecision, and even then i can't decide whether i really am or not... or if its juts me having a 'wierd' moment. or a series of 'wierd' moments.
Ah well, i shall see how things develope...
cioa xoxo
I have ancient history tomorrow, which i really don't want to do. I hate it now, i'm so frustrated with it and it is driving me up the wall. Besides the fact that i can't do it, i'm finding it too much to remember. I then have Textiles on Friday, which is scary. Mainly because i'm not feeling confident about it as i used to.
I am also finding myself in a dilemma in that i don't know what i want to do after my HSC, and what i want to do about my dad and the rest of my family. As i have said repeatedly, when dad is fine, everything is good. When he isnt fine, everything goes to shite. I love him dearly, but there are moments when i just don't know what to do. I don't want to go stay with my mum, because of Greg, and there are times when i don't want to stay with dad, because of whats going on, and i don't want to look like i'm abandoning him too...
I'm in a state of indecision, and even then i can't decide whether i really am or not... or if its juts me having a 'wierd' moment. or a series of 'wierd' moments.
Ah well, i shall see how things develope...
cioa xoxo
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Friday, June 23, 2006
This is me, grieving
Well at 8.10 am Thursday June 23rd, Athol Carrington, my grandfather, passed away.
We knew it was coming, we just didn't know when. And now its happened, i don't know what i'm feeling. I cared for him, i know that. I'm glad he's gone though, if only for the fact that now he is no longer suffering. He was brilliant man, and even at the end, while he lost it a bit, was still articulate and with it. Which i think almost makes it harder to believe he's gone.
The third death in a year within my friendship group, i'm finding it hard to tell people whats going on. I just want them to know, to be aware, and to let me work through it my way. I know the first day isn't going to be the worst, but i wish i could grieve for him and let evrything else not worry me.
But with dad and the way things are i don't know whats going to happen now...
We knew it was coming, we just didn't know when. And now its happened, i don't know what i'm feeling. I cared for him, i know that. I'm glad he's gone though, if only for the fact that now he is no longer suffering. He was brilliant man, and even at the end, while he lost it a bit, was still articulate and with it. Which i think almost makes it harder to believe he's gone.
The third death in a year within my friendship group, i'm finding it hard to tell people whats going on. I just want them to know, to be aware, and to let me work through it my way. I know the first day isn't going to be the worst, but i wish i could grieve for him and let evrything else not worry me.
But with dad and the way things are i don't know whats going to happen now...
Thursday, June 22, 2006
i don't know if i can say it...
I'm tired. And i'm not coping with mum, dad and greg. I don't know what i can do now to make things better, because i don't feel that moving back to chatswood has helped. I'm just as tired as i was, i may have moments where i can concentrate more in class, but in comparison i really don't know how mauch affect even that is having on my marks etc. My last english assessment cam back better than i thought it would, but still not great. Although that was from before the move.
In chatswood i never feel totally comfortable. "my room" is not my room, and there is nothing of me in there anymore it seems. Its only my desk and my bags. I don't want to make it permanent either. I know, however, that i cant make a move back to dads permanent either. I don't know where to go. I feel like i've lost everywhere that was a home, and now i'm just moving between bases. I don't feel comfortable at forestville, because of dad, and i don't know what i'm ghoing to do for the rest of this year, and next year and beyond.
I don't know if i can keep going doing this. but i don't have much alternative considering the circumstances... i still don't know if i'm ready to ask for help again though....
In chatswood i never feel totally comfortable. "my room" is not my room, and there is nothing of me in there anymore it seems. Its only my desk and my bags. I don't want to make it permanent either. I know, however, that i cant make a move back to dads permanent either. I don't know where to go. I feel like i've lost everywhere that was a home, and now i'm just moving between bases. I don't feel comfortable at forestville, because of dad, and i don't know what i'm ghoing to do for the rest of this year, and next year and beyond.
I don't know if i can keep going doing this. but i don't have much alternative considering the circumstances... i still don't know if i'm ready to ask for help again though....
Sunday, June 04, 2006
One Crowded Hour by Augie March
Should you expect to see something that you hadn't seen
In somebody you'd known since you were sixteen;
if love is a bolt from the blue, then what is that bolt but a glorified screw?
and that doesn't hold nothing together
Far from these nonsense bars and their nowhere music it's making me sick
And I know it's making you sick
There's nothing there, it's like eating air
It's like drinking gin with nothing else in
That doesn't hold me together.
But for one crowded hour, you were the only one in the room
And I sailed around all those bumps in the night to your beacon in the gloom
I thought I had found my golden September in the middle of that purple June
But one crowded hour would lead to my wreck and ruin
Now I know you like your boys to take their medicine
From the bowl with a silver spoon
Run away with the dish and scare the fish by the silvery light of the moon
Who were taught from the womb to believe to the tune
In as far as their bleeding eyes see
Is a pleasure pen, meant for them, built for and rent for them
Not for the likes of me
Not for the like of you and me
And for one crowded hour, you were the only one in the room
And I sailed around all those bumps in the night to your beacon in the gloom
I thought I had found my golden September in the middle of that purple June
But one crowded hour would lead to my wreck and ruin
Oh but the green-eyed harpy of the songland
She takes into hers my hand
She says, "Boy I know you're lying
Oh but then, so am I,"
And to that I said "Oh well."
They put me in a cage full of lions, I learned to speak lion
In fact I know the language well
I picked it up while I was versing myself in the languages they speak in hell
That night, the silence gave birth to a baby
They took it away to her silent dismay
And they raised it to be lady
Now she can't keep her mouth shut
But for one crowded hour, you were the only one in the room
And I sailed around all those bumps in the night to your beacon in the gloom
I thought I had found my golden September in the middle of that purple June
But one crowded hour would lead to my wreck and ruin
One crowded hour, you were the only one in the room
Well I played a few songs for those bumps in the night
In fact I played this very tune
You said, "What is this six-stringed instrument but an adolescent loom?"
And one crowded hour would lead to my wreck and ruin.
In somebody you'd known since you were sixteen;
if love is a bolt from the blue, then what is that bolt but a glorified screw?
and that doesn't hold nothing together
Far from these nonsense bars and their nowhere music it's making me sick
And I know it's making you sick
There's nothing there, it's like eating air
It's like drinking gin with nothing else in
That doesn't hold me together.
But for one crowded hour, you were the only one in the room
And I sailed around all those bumps in the night to your beacon in the gloom
I thought I had found my golden September in the middle of that purple June
But one crowded hour would lead to my wreck and ruin
Now I know you like your boys to take their medicine
From the bowl with a silver spoon
Run away with the dish and scare the fish by the silvery light of the moon
Who were taught from the womb to believe to the tune
In as far as their bleeding eyes see
Is a pleasure pen, meant for them, built for and rent for them
Not for the likes of me
Not for the like of you and me
And for one crowded hour, you were the only one in the room
And I sailed around all those bumps in the night to your beacon in the gloom
I thought I had found my golden September in the middle of that purple June
But one crowded hour would lead to my wreck and ruin
Oh but the green-eyed harpy of the songland
She takes into hers my hand
She says, "Boy I know you're lying
Oh but then, so am I,"
And to that I said "Oh well."
They put me in a cage full of lions, I learned to speak lion
In fact I know the language well
I picked it up while I was versing myself in the languages they speak in hell
That night, the silence gave birth to a baby
They took it away to her silent dismay
And they raised it to be lady
Now she can't keep her mouth shut
But for one crowded hour, you were the only one in the room
And I sailed around all those bumps in the night to your beacon in the gloom
I thought I had found my golden September in the middle of that purple June
But one crowded hour would lead to my wreck and ruin
One crowded hour, you were the only one in the room
Well I played a few songs for those bumps in the night
In fact I played this very tune
You said, "What is this six-stringed instrument but an adolescent loom?"
And one crowded hour would lead to my wreck and ruin.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Last Day of May
Well its the last day of may, and i am tired. I'm tired of being and doing everything i am. I am in a state of mind where i no longer care about getting a UAI, or any other form of acedemic excellence. I'm tired of looking after dad, and i'm tired of dealing with assessments while dad is under the weather. I'm frustrated at my own lack of time management skills. Mum is telling me i should slow down with my social life and concentrate on school, as it really is only a short time, and her inference that there will be plenty of time afterwards to party and all that. But i don't agree, i'm happy with spending more time with my friends than studying, because they're more important to me, and i know that after this year, i'll probably loose contact with most of them and never see them again. Thats not something i look forward to.
I'm sitting in the library at the momentt, and i'm freezing my but off. I'm finding it ironic how on the day i feel like a raindrop, falling through the sky towards my imminent end, it rains. I'm waiting fro tom to finish working on his industrial technology project so we can go get some lunch, and i'm trying to get some english extension two work done. Its slowly happening i think.
In anycase i bid you adieu, and i shall trudge forward through this drudgery we call life.
I'm sitting in the library at the momentt, and i'm freezing my but off. I'm finding it ironic how on the day i feel like a raindrop, falling through the sky towards my imminent end, it rains. I'm waiting fro tom to finish working on his industrial technology project so we can go get some lunch, and i'm trying to get some english extension two work done. Its slowly happening i think.
In anycase i bid you adieu, and i shall trudge forward through this drudgery we call life.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Sorry for lack of blogging...
Well as of 26th April there is a new goldie to add to the list. Juanita. Baby girl, now my niece, born to Jess and Laurence.
In other news, everything is fine, i'm going for my p's in just under a week. Monday 29th at 9.50. so that shall be good.
I have ross's party this saturday 3 pieces of clothing, shall be interesting :P And that day renay and i are going shopping... :P
i still dont know for sure what i'm going to wear... but that shalll be decided on the day i think :P
in anycase, i must stopp procrastinating, and get back to my extension two english major work.... which by the way is going great, unlike my textiles major work.
In other news, everything is fine, i'm going for my p's in just under a week. Monday 29th at 9.50. so that shall be good.
I have ross's party this saturday 3 pieces of clothing, shall be interesting :P And that day renay and i are going shopping... :P
i still dont know for sure what i'm going to wear... but that shalll be decided on the day i think :P
in anycase, i must stopp procrastinating, and get back to my extension two english major work.... which by the way is going great, unlike my textiles major work.
Sunday, April 30, 2006
News Update :P
Well it seems its been about 2 weeks since my last post, it would appear time slipped my notice. in any case, i go back to school on tuesday...
in other news, mum and i went to melbourne for three days, which was lovely. i bought a skirt, jacket, pair of jeans, and stockings whilst south of the border :P and it was a nice few days away.
Tom and i went on a "break", it lasted less than i expected, but i'm glad its over and we're happy and fine again :)
dad is doing fine since i got back from melb, he had a slip up the night we got back, but has otherwise been relatively ok.
thats about all thats happened, tom bought an iPod Nano today... during our second trip to chatswood. but yeh it was cool.
so nothing much else to report, i shall blog again soonish hopefully :)
in other news, mum and i went to melbourne for three days, which was lovely. i bought a skirt, jacket, pair of jeans, and stockings whilst south of the border :P and it was a nice few days away.
Tom and i went on a "break", it lasted less than i expected, but i'm glad its over and we're happy and fine again :)
dad is doing fine since i got back from melb, he had a slip up the night we got back, but has otherwise been relatively ok.
thats about all thats happened, tom bought an iPod Nano today... during our second trip to chatswood. but yeh it was cool.
so nothing much else to report, i shall blog again soonish hopefully :)
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Evening entertainments
Well it is now officially the holidays, and its a great feeling knowing i can sleep in the morning without the thought of an alarm waking me up.
quite honestly i think i've started the holidays in a rather self clensing mode...
I told dad this evening that i occasionally smoke, and it was a great relief for me to tell him. Surprisingly he was more ok with it than i thought he would be. So now i'm allowed to smoke, as long as it doesnt become an addiction, which i have no intention of letting it.
so dads fine basically, just working out a balance at the moment i think. So we shall see how things with that goes.
In other news, well there isn't much, apart from that i'm going to Melbourne for 3 days in a week, and that Jessica, my sister in law is about due to pop with her second child. :) and i've lost at scrabble twice to Tom now, and twice in a row, once to Tom and tonight to dad... not a good outlook it would seem :P
So adieu and good night. I shall blog again soon.
quite honestly i think i've started the holidays in a rather self clensing mode...
I told dad this evening that i occasionally smoke, and it was a great relief for me to tell him. Surprisingly he was more ok with it than i thought he would be. So now i'm allowed to smoke, as long as it doesnt become an addiction, which i have no intention of letting it.
so dads fine basically, just working out a balance at the moment i think. So we shall see how things with that goes.
In other news, well there isn't much, apart from that i'm going to Melbourne for 3 days in a week, and that Jessica, my sister in law is about due to pop with her second child. :) and i've lost at scrabble twice to Tom now, and twice in a row, once to Tom and tonight to dad... not a good outlook it would seem :P
So adieu and good night. I shall blog again soon.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
Remember, remember, the 5th of November...
Well the funeral was yesterday, and as far as funerals go, it was really nice. Everyone really tried to make it a happy celebration of the wonderful life of an extraordinary woman. I don't have much to say about it, but i did cry, and it was, i think, the beginning of me accepting she is really gone. Dad went to see her in the coffin, i'm sad i didn't have the nerve. not with mum there.
After the funeral, Ken, Megan, Mum, Dad and I went back to the factory, had lunch with Craig, and then Ian my sisters ex-boyfriend from years and years ago dropped in to say hi, and yeh, well that was slightly odd... but then dad and i went home, and i had a driving lesson, which went a lot better than my first. Now i'm booked in for two lessons next week. Dads booking me in for my test soon. Then last night, Tom, Monty, Ross and I went to Chatswood to see "V for Vendetta" which was a really awesome movie. After Ross dropped Tom and I back home, and Tom and i sat with dad watching the end of a Dave Allen video, which was really funny.
Tom stayed over, and today we just loafed around home all day, and i did some textiles work, and things like that. Then tom beat me at scrabble.... wasn't too happy about that, but its all good i suppose... maybe...
in any case, good night, i must go, so i shall blog again soon i hope :)
After the funeral, Ken, Megan, Mum, Dad and I went back to the factory, had lunch with Craig, and then Ian my sisters ex-boyfriend from years and years ago dropped in to say hi, and yeh, well that was slightly odd... but then dad and i went home, and i had a driving lesson, which went a lot better than my first. Now i'm booked in for two lessons next week. Dads booking me in for my test soon. Then last night, Tom, Monty, Ross and I went to Chatswood to see "V for Vendetta" which was a really awesome movie. After Ross dropped Tom and I back home, and Tom and i sat with dad watching the end of a Dave Allen video, which was really funny.
Tom stayed over, and today we just loafed around home all day, and i did some textiles work, and things like that. Then tom beat me at scrabble.... wasn't too happy about that, but its all good i suppose... maybe...
in any case, good night, i must go, so i shall blog again soon i hope :)
Sunday, March 26, 2006
wow, 21 days...
Well its been three weeks since my last post here it would seem! WOW!
ohk, well the general update is as follows
week 1: i don't know
week 2: exams, urgh! Ancient History was SHITE!!!
week 3: work placement, great people easy work, in general all good.
the only sad news i have to report is the passing of dads semi-ex-girlfriend, Samara Secre.
We found out on Friday morning, she had a severe asthma attack and died in the ambulance on the way to hospital. The shock affected dad a lot, so a bad night followed, but he's recovering now, and is doing a lot better concentrating on moving on and such.
For the people who know me who read this, it has upset me a fair bit, because she was a wonderful person, and had taken me on as something like the daughter she never had, however, its not something that is going to be affecting me now, its going to be something that i'm going to deal with in myself much later. At the moment my main concern is to look after dad, and help him through things.
If your not aware, this is the second time something like this has happened, Meliessa, dads girlfriend when i was in yr 9, died when she drowned in the bath after taking a hit of heroine. Her memory has stayed with me ever since, and i still miss her. Yet, it did not affect me as you would think, in terms of school and social life etc. Its just the way i deal with death. And while i loved Sam dearly, and i will miss her terribly, I am not in need of any form of TLC or special care. Right now i'm just waiting to cry, and waiting for the final stage to pass.
The funeral is on Friday, i'm not sure if i will go or not.
ohk, well the general update is as follows
week 1: i don't know
week 2: exams, urgh! Ancient History was SHITE!!!
week 3: work placement, great people easy work, in general all good.
the only sad news i have to report is the passing of dads semi-ex-girlfriend, Samara Secre.
We found out on Friday morning, she had a severe asthma attack and died in the ambulance on the way to hospital. The shock affected dad a lot, so a bad night followed, but he's recovering now, and is doing a lot better concentrating on moving on and such.
For the people who know me who read this, it has upset me a fair bit, because she was a wonderful person, and had taken me on as something like the daughter she never had, however, its not something that is going to be affecting me now, its going to be something that i'm going to deal with in myself much later. At the moment my main concern is to look after dad, and help him through things.
If your not aware, this is the second time something like this has happened, Meliessa, dads girlfriend when i was in yr 9, died when she drowned in the bath after taking a hit of heroine. Her memory has stayed with me ever since, and i still miss her. Yet, it did not affect me as you would think, in terms of school and social life etc. Its just the way i deal with death. And while i loved Sam dearly, and i will miss her terribly, I am not in need of any form of TLC or special care. Right now i'm just waiting to cry, and waiting for the final stage to pass.
The funeral is on Friday, i'm not sure if i will go or not.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Good night words
Well i am feeling exceptionally happy at the momentI just spent a day with Tom, and i had a really great time. We had Yum Cha in Manly for lunch with his family, which was very plesant. ANd then afterwards he came over to mine, we had dinner, played scrabble, and watched The Thomas Crowne Affair, and Pretty Woman. It was a really enjoyable day. And i am feeling really good.
I don't know why, but i felt like sharing that. I am currently working on textiles stuff which i am busting to get done, but at least i have made progress. Not much, but its something, and i have my material at least, and so i can at least say i have something to work with.
so for now i bid you good night, and i am going to print my textiles, and head for bed.
Goodnight all! xoxo
I don't know why, but i felt like sharing that. I am currently working on textiles stuff which i am busting to get done, but at least i have made progress. Not much, but its something, and i have my material at least, and so i can at least say i have something to work with.
so for now i bid you good night, and i am going to print my textiles, and head for bed.
Goodnight all! xoxo
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Shopping and driving :D
Well i went for my first drive with mum today. It wasn't too bad seeing as she wasn't stressing out too much, cause i already had 20 hours under my belt. Apparently there was only one 'Oh My God' moment for her, but yeh, thats cool. I am booked in for a lesson with an instructor this friday and another later on. And dad and i are working towards getting me my 27 hours which i now need so i can go for my P's as soon as possible. :P
In other news, i got my fabric for textiles, again, twice.....
Story goes we went to spotlight, found 4.5 m of this one fabric for $2 a metre, so we got that. But then we went to Tesutis, and found this better stuff, and bought 6 m of that one. for $39 a metre... but we got a 10% discount at least... but yeh... so that was good. And then mum and i went shopping around Chatswood, and looked at pretty dresses, and jewelry, and i got Ness a small birthday present, as we're donating to the MND research fund as the most part of her present.
School is a bit of a struggle at the moment, i'm falling behind, and its not really a good thing... but i shall get there, i know i will... i have to.
so for now i bid you all adieu, and i shall go play some more on my Piczo site... :D
In other news, i got my fabric for textiles, again, twice.....
Story goes we went to spotlight, found 4.5 m of this one fabric for $2 a metre, so we got that. But then we went to Tesutis, and found this better stuff, and bought 6 m of that one. for $39 a metre... but we got a 10% discount at least... but yeh... so that was good. And then mum and i went shopping around Chatswood, and looked at pretty dresses, and jewelry, and i got Ness a small birthday present, as we're donating to the MND research fund as the most part of her present.
School is a bit of a struggle at the moment, i'm falling behind, and its not really a good thing... but i shall get there, i know i will... i have to.
so for now i bid you all adieu, and i shall go play some more on my Piczo site... :D
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
The First Day of Autumn
Well autumn is here, and i fell strangely content. Dad is on a slow road to recovery. He appears to be on a positive turn, even if its only been a few days. I do feel, however, that this time it will be more of a sucess than past efforts, as the approach is different, as is the support, as is the situation. hopefully this may all culminate to a happier end result than past ventures.
Tom and i are happy together, and i honestly do feel that this time it will last. I'm so glad he is in my life, and without him at the moment, i seriously don't think i would be able to formulate a coherent sentence. He's a balance in my life, and a constant support, and i love him dearly.
Last night we had a yr 7 parent's info evening at school, where a few of the prefectshad to go along and play chit chat games. Not entirely unplesant, but i was able to talk to Mrs Di, and she was able to find out about the new living arangements with dad and things, and i was at least able to report with some events and progress, which made it sound less like a 'risky' choice, as i felt it would be taken by her when it first came to light as a plan. Mrs Zinn was there, and so i talked to her for a while, and i think i'll go see her tomorrow, as she also has some forms for a course about dealing with stress and issues relating to during the HSC year.
i would also like to share with everyone that i now also have a piczo website... something that Renay first put me on to. so check it out while its still under preliminary construction if you like: www.darkdamsel.piczo.com
thats all for now i think, i shall adjourn here, and go muck about doing something else... maybe school work... :P
xoxoxo
Tom and i are happy together, and i honestly do feel that this time it will last. I'm so glad he is in my life, and without him at the moment, i seriously don't think i would be able to formulate a coherent sentence. He's a balance in my life, and a constant support, and i love him dearly.
Last night we had a yr 7 parent's info evening at school, where a few of the prefectshad to go along and play chit chat games. Not entirely unplesant, but i was able to talk to Mrs Di, and she was able to find out about the new living arangements with dad and things, and i was at least able to report with some events and progress, which made it sound less like a 'risky' choice, as i felt it would be taken by her when it first came to light as a plan. Mrs Zinn was there, and so i talked to her for a while, and i think i'll go see her tomorrow, as she also has some forms for a course about dealing with stress and issues relating to during the HSC year.
i would also like to share with everyone that i now also have a piczo website... something that Renay first put me on to. so check it out while its still under preliminary construction if you like: www.darkdamsel.piczo.com
thats all for now i think, i shall adjourn here, and go muck about doing something else... maybe school work... :P
xoxoxo
Monday, February 20, 2006
Well this is me now...
Well it would seem i haven't blogged in some time. Not here anyways.
News is, Shant Parker passed away on the 3rd Feb, collided with a car whilst on his bike. Very sad, it shook us up a lot, again. We had the funeral today. Emotional. Managed to miss out on ancient history because of it.
Dads doing ok, not brilliantly, but ok. I'm coping fine.
Tom and i are going great, i'm really happy being with him at the moment. i'm really glad for his support and care, its really helped.
School is a bit of a pain, but its slowly coming together, a bit late, but its happening.
Schoolies is almost organised for us, toms booking the house up the coast soonish i think.
Joe is organising a group to go see Arj Barker at Glen Street Theatre, which shall be good :)
i have an ancient history excursion on friday, and a textiles excursion in a few weeks. And i have work placement at Sydney Water coming in week 8 after half yearly's. So we shall see how that all goes. Hopefully all will go well.
So i think that just about sums it up for me at the moment... not a lot else is happening....
ciao bellas xoxox
News is, Shant Parker passed away on the 3rd Feb, collided with a car whilst on his bike. Very sad, it shook us up a lot, again. We had the funeral today. Emotional. Managed to miss out on ancient history because of it.
Dads doing ok, not brilliantly, but ok. I'm coping fine.
Tom and i are going great, i'm really happy being with him at the moment. i'm really glad for his support and care, its really helped.
School is a bit of a pain, but its slowly coming together, a bit late, but its happening.
Schoolies is almost organised for us, toms booking the house up the coast soonish i think.
Joe is organising a group to go see Arj Barker at Glen Street Theatre, which shall be good :)
i have an ancient history excursion on friday, and a textiles excursion in a few weeks. And i have work placement at Sydney Water coming in week 8 after half yearly's. So we shall see how that all goes. Hopefully all will go well.
So i think that just about sums it up for me at the moment... not a lot else is happening....
ciao bellas xoxox
Monday, February 13, 2006
blurgh
Greetings all, i am alive and well, kicking actually.
it would seem i'm lashing out more than i should at the moment. It really isn't too good for people around me. Thankfully i'm lashing out at the people who aren't necessarily closest to me, i mean i haven't snapped at Tom or Ash it would seem. In anycase, it still isn't good, and i'm not entirely sure whats triggering it. I don't think its lack of food or anything like that, although that doesn't help, becuase then i'm tired as well. Textiles doesn't help, but i'm feeling better about that now that i have changed my initial idea about what i'm doing, although i don't kinow if it will last, but i shall wait and see....
in the mean time, i suppose i should try to be more accomodating, but i don't see it happening to well....
xoxox
it would seem i'm lashing out more than i should at the moment. It really isn't too good for people around me. Thankfully i'm lashing out at the people who aren't necessarily closest to me, i mean i haven't snapped at Tom or Ash it would seem. In anycase, it still isn't good, and i'm not entirely sure whats triggering it. I don't think its lack of food or anything like that, although that doesn't help, becuase then i'm tired as well. Textiles doesn't help, but i'm feeling better about that now that i have changed my initial idea about what i'm doing, although i don't kinow if it will last, but i shall wait and see....
in the mean time, i suppose i should try to be more accomodating, but i don't see it happening to well....
xoxox
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Change...
Why is it so different now that i'm living with dad?
Why don't i cry myself to sleep like i used to do? Why is it so easy to let him do what he does? Just because i'm living with him now, why do i feel that i am happier?
They say ignorance is bliss, but how can that be when i'm happier knowing than not knowing?
i love him dearly, but this not sleeping and eatiung properly is going to take its toll eventually... i just hope not anytime soon.
at least once i get my P's it'll be a bit easier, just have to pay for petrol then...
why don't i get scared when he drinks? i used to a bit, i used to get scared, then i'd worry, then i'd cry, and then i would sleep. Now i don't and i don't know why. Maybe its because i'm here. I mean its not like its taken me long to get settled in, its not like its not a home for me, but all the smae its still temporary... like all the other homes, its just a house, with the home contained in it...
"Each player must accept the cards life deals him. But once they are in hand, he alone must decide how to play the cards in order to win the game." - Voltaire 1694-1778 (French Philosopher and Author)
Why don't i cry myself to sleep like i used to do? Why is it so easy to let him do what he does? Just because i'm living with him now, why do i feel that i am happier?
They say ignorance is bliss, but how can that be when i'm happier knowing than not knowing?
i love him dearly, but this not sleeping and eatiung properly is going to take its toll eventually... i just hope not anytime soon.
at least once i get my P's it'll be a bit easier, just have to pay for petrol then...
why don't i get scared when he drinks? i used to a bit, i used to get scared, then i'd worry, then i'd cry, and then i would sleep. Now i don't and i don't know why. Maybe its because i'm here. I mean its not like its taken me long to get settled in, its not like its not a home for me, but all the smae its still temporary... like all the other homes, its just a house, with the home contained in it...
"Each player must accept the cards life deals him. But once they are in hand, he alone must decide how to play the cards in order to win the game." - Voltaire 1694-1778 (French Philosopher and Author)
Monday, January 30, 2006
Tomorrow....
Well tomorrow is the day, its back to school and the troubles therein.
Well i suppose it won't be too bad, things can only get better from where they are.
Basically that means that dad's on a bad run at the moment, and its a seriously bad one, not just a drunken delusional one. Theres some issues that have arisen, which are quite real, and so he is stressing out and drinking. Not such a good start to the school term. So, tonight has consisted of himpicking me up this afternoon, me making him let me drive, seeing as he wasn't really fit to drive. Then having a big yell and cry when he went to pour a drink, which in the end went down the sink. So talking then, then sending him off to sleep for a bit. Which was good, allowed me time to have a bath and chill out for a bit. Then come out, he wakes up, and so i get dinner, and then send him back to bed, slightly more sober.
So thats the lay of the land at the moment, dad is not good, but i'm coping, it seems, seeing as i'm still here. Mums coming over in the morning to take me to school and do the whole photo tradition that we have for first day back at school thing. I might head over to tom's after school for a swim or something, but we shall see what the day brings.
So dear ones, ciao and adios.
Kissy kissy xxx
Well i suppose it won't be too bad, things can only get better from where they are.
Basically that means that dad's on a bad run at the moment, and its a seriously bad one, not just a drunken delusional one. Theres some issues that have arisen, which are quite real, and so he is stressing out and drinking. Not such a good start to the school term. So, tonight has consisted of himpicking me up this afternoon, me making him let me drive, seeing as he wasn't really fit to drive. Then having a big yell and cry when he went to pour a drink, which in the end went down the sink. So talking then, then sending him off to sleep for a bit. Which was good, allowed me time to have a bath and chill out for a bit. Then come out, he wakes up, and so i get dinner, and then send him back to bed, slightly more sober.
So thats the lay of the land at the moment, dad is not good, but i'm coping, it seems, seeing as i'm still here. Mums coming over in the morning to take me to school and do the whole photo tradition that we have for first day back at school thing. I might head over to tom's after school for a swim or something, but we shall see what the day brings.
So dear ones, ciao and adios.
Kissy kissy xxx
Friday, January 27, 2006
Good evening!/Good Morning
Good evening good people of the word.
Well lets see, i'm fine, life is fine, and everything is under control.
Does that sound convincing?
Good, i thought so.
That never works does it? nor do these rhetoric questions.
So well lets see... Today i actually got up at a decent hour, being 10 to 9, and got ready, mum came round and stayed for a while, then she and i headed off to see my grandparents and take them shopping. That in itself was an interesting time. I didn't mean to, but i got frustrated with mum, because she would get distracted and go and look at something leaving my grandparents, one of whom is blind, the other who is unsteady on her feet, and given to bouts of depression, and who generally requires a fair amount of control and supervision, to go look at somethng in a window or whatever. I don't mind it so much when i know she has left them with me, but when i don't know it can be dangerous! i can't watch both of them at the same time.... But yeh, anyways, lunch and then dropping them home.
After such, mum and i went to Dee Why, and went to Spotlight, i got my fabric and a pattern for textiles, and ran into an old lady that mum knew from ages back. so that was interesting.
From there we went back to chatswood, and went to traget, and so on, shops and things, that was fun. Back to the apartment pick up some more of my things to take home, and then a slurred phone call from dad, and straight back to Forestville.
So thats how the story goes. I think from there it turns into a very tedious lament, which tries to be objectional....
so yes that was my day. Whic unfortunatly made me forget a lot of yesterday, but Australia Day was nice, good barbie with friends. It all worked. :)
so in conclusion, school goes back on Tuesday, I'm freaking out, and i'm seriously doubting my chances of making it to the end of the year,
but Heres to Hoping!!
Ciao my lovelies!
xxxooo
Well lets see, i'm fine, life is fine, and everything is under control.
Does that sound convincing?
Good, i thought so.
That never works does it? nor do these rhetoric questions.
So well lets see... Today i actually got up at a decent hour, being 10 to 9, and got ready, mum came round and stayed for a while, then she and i headed off to see my grandparents and take them shopping. That in itself was an interesting time. I didn't mean to, but i got frustrated with mum, because she would get distracted and go and look at something leaving my grandparents, one of whom is blind, the other who is unsteady on her feet, and given to bouts of depression, and who generally requires a fair amount of control and supervision, to go look at somethng in a window or whatever. I don't mind it so much when i know she has left them with me, but when i don't know it can be dangerous! i can't watch both of them at the same time.... But yeh, anyways, lunch and then dropping them home.
After such, mum and i went to Dee Why, and went to Spotlight, i got my fabric and a pattern for textiles, and ran into an old lady that mum knew from ages back. so that was interesting.
From there we went back to chatswood, and went to traget, and so on, shops and things, that was fun. Back to the apartment pick up some more of my things to take home, and then a slurred phone call from dad, and straight back to Forestville.
So thats how the story goes. I think from there it turns into a very tedious lament, which tries to be objectional....
so yes that was my day. Whic unfortunatly made me forget a lot of yesterday, but Australia Day was nice, good barbie with friends. It all worked. :)
so in conclusion, school goes back on Tuesday, I'm freaking out, and i'm seriously doubting my chances of making it to the end of the year,
but Heres to Hoping!!
Ciao my lovelies!
xxxooo
Monday, January 23, 2006
Procrastination
i am here to procrastinate, to stop myself from starting on my english essay...
i really don't want to do it, although i know i should because otherwise i have no chance of making it through year 12....
sigh, well i thinmk i shall go, make my bed, and read for a bit
maybe comb fudge, seeing as she is still wet from her bath...
later xoxo
i really don't want to do it, although i know i should because otherwise i have no chance of making it through year 12....
sigh, well i thinmk i shall go, make my bed, and read for a bit
maybe comb fudge, seeing as she is still wet from her bath...
later xoxo
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
The time has come...
Yes, it is that time to blog again.
I love my life, i would hate to lose it. But there are some days where i wonder what it would be like to slip away and dissapear, start again somewhere new.
I have always wanted a family, one of my own making, and i've always thought if i were to ever fall accidentally pregnant, i would pack up, and move north, central coast, or QLD or something. Become a young mother and work, barely surviving, then maybe later on, move back to Sydney. But i know deep down, that i wouldn't be able to pull anything like that off. Besides, i want to be rich and famous too much.
The dream of modelling is still there, acting, being an entertainer, designing, i want to do it all, i just know i can't and if i try i'll burn out. But for the moment i dream. I dream of the drug like high that life can give, yet also of the darkness it shadows some with.
I desperately want to be everything my parents weren't able to be. To go where their fears would not let them, and where their actions could not carry them. But at the same time, i dream of staying, carrying on dads legacy of the company. The family business and carrying it on that extra generation.
Well we shall see...
bye bye now...
I love my life, i would hate to lose it. But there are some days where i wonder what it would be like to slip away and dissapear, start again somewhere new.
I have always wanted a family, one of my own making, and i've always thought if i were to ever fall accidentally pregnant, i would pack up, and move north, central coast, or QLD or something. Become a young mother and work, barely surviving, then maybe later on, move back to Sydney. But i know deep down, that i wouldn't be able to pull anything like that off. Besides, i want to be rich and famous too much.
The dream of modelling is still there, acting, being an entertainer, designing, i want to do it all, i just know i can't and if i try i'll burn out. But for the moment i dream. I dream of the drug like high that life can give, yet also of the darkness it shadows some with.
I desperately want to be everything my parents weren't able to be. To go where their fears would not let them, and where their actions could not carry them. But at the same time, i dream of staying, carrying on dads legacy of the company. The family business and carrying it on that extra generation.
Well we shall see...
bye bye now...
Friday, January 06, 2006
25.15.21. 1.18.5. 19.9.12.12.25.!
Well nothing much is new, been working a fair bit, and getting paid which is good. So now i may have a chance of saving up some money at least. Well there's hope, but knowing me i'll go shopping and spend it all again soon.
Living with dad is going ok, so far. Its interesting,. because i don't miss mum, and even though he has had a few drinks since we moved in, its not been that bad. Tonight is the only really iffy one so far, and apart from that there was New Years Eve, which i will excuse.
Well for the moment i shall leave this, because i can't think of much more to say for the time being...
8.5.8.5.8.5. 9.6. 25.15.21. 3.1.14. 18.5.1.4. 20.9.19. 20.8.5.14. 25.15.21. 1.18.5. 19.9.12.12.25!
Living with dad is going ok, so far. Its interesting,. because i don't miss mum, and even though he has had a few drinks since we moved in, its not been that bad. Tonight is the only really iffy one so far, and apart from that there was New Years Eve, which i will excuse.
Well for the moment i shall leave this, because i can't think of much more to say for the time being...
8.5.8.5.8.5. 9.6. 25.15.21. 3.1.14. 18.5.1.4. 20.9.19. 20.8.5.14. 25.15.21. 1.18.5. 19.9.12.12.25!
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Hello world, Yes i am still alive!
Oh My Gosh! It has literally been ages since i have blogged here! Mostly because i have been without an internet connection since christmas! OMG it has been ages!!! :O Seriously suffering from withdrawal symptoms! :P
lol in any case, New Years Eve was great with Joe and his family, Garden Island was so fun. Dad and i are now happily settled in the new place, although not entirely unpacked, but yeh. So everything is basically fine and in order! Mum is missing me, but shes doing fine really.
in other news, well there isnt a lot happening in other news. So i shall leave this entry as it stands, purely as a reminder to the world of my existance :P
lol in any case, New Years Eve was great with Joe and his family, Garden Island was so fun. Dad and i are now happily settled in the new place, although not entirely unpacked, but yeh. So everything is basically fine and in order! Mum is missing me, but shes doing fine really.
in other news, well there isnt a lot happening in other news. So i shall leave this entry as it stands, purely as a reminder to the world of my existance :P
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