Well this evening has been grand, has it not?!
Sigh, this living arrangement with Greg is interesting. He disconnected my internet..... and it was very very annoying! so i went and played solitaire for a while, so now i'm back on and blogging this.
Sigh, it seems the longer Greg is here, the nicer, or more loving mum acts. I don't know what to think of it at the moment, so i'm letting it go. Although it seems Greg moving in seems to be a catalyst for alot of new things:
The clothesline on the balcony
TV in mums room
Changing TV cabinets
Rearranging videos/CDs
Mum using the word idiosyncratic
Dinner becoming more bland
Spending more time in my room
Well yeh, that last one is a sort of 'goes without saying' ....
Ah well i suppose i should finish this here, i mean i'm told i blog too often as it is, but this is my diary, and its a bit like a threraputic measure that i take, it chanels a lot of anger and emotion away from me, so i guess its good for that.
Ciao now!
Monday, October 31, 2005
Hot in The City! or at least Darling Harbour
Well thank you very much Mr, Joseph Winfield, you now have made me rather obsessed with the song Home Thoughts From Abroad by Clifford T. Ward....
Its a beautiful song, really, and i have to say the poem it talks about, of the same title by Robert Browning, is rather poignant.
In other news, we had the ETA studty day thingo today. It was interesting, but its just a lot of information to process. I'm also very scared of the extension 2 course, and i'm quite thankful i've decided to drop DT, so it now will only be 2 major works instead of the three. A fact which i am rather relieved about, although it does mean i won't have the safety net, although with the extra time, i should be ok i think. It was really hot in Darling Harbour but, well in the sun at least... Go Figure! :P lol that sounded really dumb!
Matt is fine, feaking out a little bit, he's been worrying about whether we're 'ok' or not. I suppose cause its the only thing he really worries about, i should be a bit more patient with it. Just i never really worry about that aspect of things. Oh well, its all good. I am feeling slightly suffocated with the relationship though. Its not that i don't care for him, or that i dont love him, just the whole restriction thing. I do enjoy being in a relationship, but at the same time, its a barrier i feel like i'm straining against. Oh well, i'm happy, and theres no one else i would rather be with at the moment, so i shall manage just fine i think.
Dad isn't good... and thats all i'll say about that.
Those who know will understand. Those who don't will not need to know
And before i go, a further comment on today...
Ash: I CANT'T BELIEVE U TOLD HIM!!! i can understand, but wow! what an awkward time for it to come out.... :P
Ani: u really don't need nor want to know about that convo
Everyone else: Ignore those last two comments, and ignore anything Ani says on the matter...
Thankyou and goodnight!
Its a beautiful song, really, and i have to say the poem it talks about, of the same title by Robert Browning, is rather poignant.
In other news, we had the ETA studty day thingo today. It was interesting, but its just a lot of information to process. I'm also very scared of the extension 2 course, and i'm quite thankful i've decided to drop DT, so it now will only be 2 major works instead of the three. A fact which i am rather relieved about, although it does mean i won't have the safety net, although with the extra time, i should be ok i think. It was really hot in Darling Harbour but, well in the sun at least... Go Figure! :P lol that sounded really dumb!
Matt is fine, feaking out a little bit, he's been worrying about whether we're 'ok' or not. I suppose cause its the only thing he really worries about, i should be a bit more patient with it. Just i never really worry about that aspect of things. Oh well, its all good. I am feeling slightly suffocated with the relationship though. Its not that i don't care for him, or that i dont love him, just the whole restriction thing. I do enjoy being in a relationship, but at the same time, its a barrier i feel like i'm straining against. Oh well, i'm happy, and theres no one else i would rather be with at the moment, so i shall manage just fine i think.
Dad isn't good... and thats all i'll say about that.
Those who know will understand. Those who don't will not need to know
And before i go, a further comment on today...
Ash: I CANT'T BELIEVE U TOLD HIM!!! i can understand, but wow! what an awkward time for it to come out.... :P
Ani: u really don't need nor want to know about that convo
Everyone else: Ignore those last two comments, and ignore anything Ani says on the matter...
Thankyou and goodnight!
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Awkwardness...
Well, things aren't too bad at present. I think i'm doing ok. School is being a bit of a bitch,
especially in relation to DT, and whether i want to continue it or not. Its not a matter whether i enjoy it or not at the moment, its the fact of whether i will be able to handle it, and whether i think i can do well in it.
On current trends i really don't think i will be able to, although, i know with some effort i could make it. However with the present state of the class, i don't know how the tension will be broken, and whether we will survive it. Ms Steven's knows her stuff, we know that, but its pointless if we're not learning it from her. This is also part of the reason i'm reconsidering my position in the course.
My only worry is if i drop, i will only have 10 units, which means i would have to do well in all of them to get the decent mark i want, and i wouldn't have the safety net i have now. Even though, without the third major work, and the extra free periods, i could probably manage better. Its a situation that could slide either way really, so i guess i shall bide my time for the present.
In other aspects of my life, well Greg is an awkward element of my life, as is mum and dad. Greg is making a lot of changes here, and not all of them do i like, or agree with, yet i'm seeing the logic, which i hate. Dad at the moment is a mystery. I don't know whats going on, and i feel that he is drifting further and further away from me. I feel guilty about it as well, because i feel like its my fault that he has drifted as far as he has, because i haven't thrown him a line, to even keep him withing calling range. Sorry about the metaphor, but thats how it feels.
Mum is another dificulty, because at the moment, i'm frustrated with her for the whole Greg situation, and some of the Dad situation, but i don't know what i want to do about it. I feel like i want to break away, and set out on my own, but at the same time i know that mum needs me. I'm scared to leave her, even though she's making her own family now, and i really dont want to be a part of this new thing.
anyway. I don't know what i'm doing at the moment, so i shall leave, and endeavor to do something constructive.
especially in relation to DT, and whether i want to continue it or not. Its not a matter whether i enjoy it or not at the moment, its the fact of whether i will be able to handle it, and whether i think i can do well in it.
On current trends i really don't think i will be able to, although, i know with some effort i could make it. However with the present state of the class, i don't know how the tension will be broken, and whether we will survive it. Ms Steven's knows her stuff, we know that, but its pointless if we're not learning it from her. This is also part of the reason i'm reconsidering my position in the course.
My only worry is if i drop, i will only have 10 units, which means i would have to do well in all of them to get the decent mark i want, and i wouldn't have the safety net i have now. Even though, without the third major work, and the extra free periods, i could probably manage better. Its a situation that could slide either way really, so i guess i shall bide my time for the present.
In other aspects of my life, well Greg is an awkward element of my life, as is mum and dad. Greg is making a lot of changes here, and not all of them do i like, or agree with, yet i'm seeing the logic, which i hate. Dad at the moment is a mystery. I don't know whats going on, and i feel that he is drifting further and further away from me. I feel guilty about it as well, because i feel like its my fault that he has drifted as far as he has, because i haven't thrown him a line, to even keep him withing calling range. Sorry about the metaphor, but thats how it feels.
Mum is another dificulty, because at the moment, i'm frustrated with her for the whole Greg situation, and some of the Dad situation, but i don't know what i want to do about it. I feel like i want to break away, and set out on my own, but at the same time i know that mum needs me. I'm scared to leave her, even though she's making her own family now, and i really dont want to be a part of this new thing.
anyway. I don't know what i'm doing at the moment, so i shall leave, and endeavor to do something constructive.
Friday, October 28, 2005
Coffee Day!
Well not a lot is new in my world, just the usual really...
Greg has moved in, and i think the appropriate wording would be to say that the tension is mounting. I don't believe that it will ultimatly work out, unless i move out. Which is something i really want to do. Although, i'm not sure if my motives are entirely sound, all the same i suppose i will eventually have to learn to accept things as they are. BUT I REALLY DON'T WANT TO!!!!
its sucks...
i went to Joe's yesteday afternoon, watched coupling, funny show, but mum called, adn was asking where i was, and i swore that she said she was going to be home late, but she got home early instead. It was frustrating, because i thought that she might have realised that i would be spending less time at home now, just for the sake of not being at home, because i don't like being there.
Anyways, that was a really long sentence, but i dont care, at least i breathed throughout it......
sort of...
anyways, its all good, i shall blog later as currently i am at school and need to go and do actual school work, instead of socialising all lunch, and avoiding eco club meeting, if its even on that is, i never bother to check anymore...
OOPS!
Sorry, in case you haven't noticed, i had coffee this morning, and even though it was a really weak one, i'm still feeling the effects now :P
see you laters!!!
Greg has moved in, and i think the appropriate wording would be to say that the tension is mounting. I don't believe that it will ultimatly work out, unless i move out. Which is something i really want to do. Although, i'm not sure if my motives are entirely sound, all the same i suppose i will eventually have to learn to accept things as they are. BUT I REALLY DON'T WANT TO!!!!
its sucks...
i went to Joe's yesteday afternoon, watched coupling, funny show, but mum called, adn was asking where i was, and i swore that she said she was going to be home late, but she got home early instead. It was frustrating, because i thought that she might have realised that i would be spending less time at home now, just for the sake of not being at home, because i don't like being there.
Anyways, that was a really long sentence, but i dont care, at least i breathed throughout it......
sort of...
anyways, its all good, i shall blog later as currently i am at school and need to go and do actual school work, instead of socialising all lunch, and avoiding eco club meeting, if its even on that is, i never bother to check anymore...
OOPS!
Sorry, in case you haven't noticed, i had coffee this morning, and even though it was a really weak one, i'm still feeling the effects now :P
see you laters!!!
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Cheating
A topic which has become frequent of late.
I was talking to matt the other day about it, and in his opinion its the one thing he couldn't handle. And i am inclining to agree with him. Although it did make me start to think about why people do cheat, or feel the need to cheat on their partners, spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend.
After contemplation, i began to think, that its the forbidden part which attracts most people. The thrill of doing something they know they shouldn't, and yet still going through with it. Also, the fact that EVERY kiss, touch, or emotion is not allowed, heightens the sensations each of these cause.
Also, it may be that the cheater, doesn't feel they can get everything of what they want from one person. Not saying that either is unsatisfactory in themself, just that one may provide for a physical need, while the other may provide for the emotional needs. This i think is something which causes the most issues within the relationships. That is, not just the fact of cheating itself, but that it is something that is within the person, which should be confronted and dealt with, in ways which can't potentially harm others.
I would also imagine that for a person to cheat, they must feel lonely, frustrated, or unhappy in their current realtionship, or at least some other negative emotion. I'm beginning to think that while cheating is not something to be accepted, its something that needs to be understood, and dealt with, possibly before the acts eventuate.
Well that is one of my speels for today, i shall blog later no doubt, but that shall relate more to me i think, in case anyone is interested.
I was talking to matt the other day about it, and in his opinion its the one thing he couldn't handle. And i am inclining to agree with him. Although it did make me start to think about why people do cheat, or feel the need to cheat on their partners, spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend.
After contemplation, i began to think, that its the forbidden part which attracts most people. The thrill of doing something they know they shouldn't, and yet still going through with it. Also, the fact that EVERY kiss, touch, or emotion is not allowed, heightens the sensations each of these cause.
Also, it may be that the cheater, doesn't feel they can get everything of what they want from one person. Not saying that either is unsatisfactory in themself, just that one may provide for a physical need, while the other may provide for the emotional needs. This i think is something which causes the most issues within the relationships. That is, not just the fact of cheating itself, but that it is something that is within the person, which should be confronted and dealt with, in ways which can't potentially harm others.
I would also imagine that for a person to cheat, they must feel lonely, frustrated, or unhappy in their current realtionship, or at least some other negative emotion. I'm beginning to think that while cheating is not something to be accepted, its something that needs to be understood, and dealt with, possibly before the acts eventuate.
Well that is one of my speels for today, i shall blog later no doubt, but that shall relate more to me i think, in case anyone is interested.
Monday, October 24, 2005
thoughts for today
My theory is:
Life is something that a mind and body get thrown into with no experience. They are then left to struggle with the already developed world around them, learning to cope, yet coping at the same time.
anyways, that was rather pointless.
i'm torn at the moment... i really dont know what i'm supposed to do. I've noticed a few things lately about people, and the way they behave, and its beginninng to worry me, and i desperatly want to try and help them, but i'm nervous of them pushing me away, and making the problem worse by interfering. Although at the same time, i feel obliged, being the person i am, to try and find out what the problem is.
i'm just getting scared, because i dont know how much i should allow myself to worry about other people, when i keep getting told i worry about ither people too much, and that i need to look after myself better. Although its not entirely my nature to do that at the moment.
Sigh, well i have a session with the councillor tomorrow, so that shall be good. I get the feeling family issues will be at the forefront of the conversation.
Ah well, no matter, i shall go sleep now, as mum and greg just got home... this shall be an interesting week of adjustment.
GOD DAMN I HATE BEING SO ADAPTABLE TO SITUATIONS I DON'T PARTICULARLY LIKE!!!!!
Life is something that a mind and body get thrown into with no experience. They are then left to struggle with the already developed world around them, learning to cope, yet coping at the same time.
anyways, that was rather pointless.
i'm torn at the moment... i really dont know what i'm supposed to do. I've noticed a few things lately about people, and the way they behave, and its beginninng to worry me, and i desperatly want to try and help them, but i'm nervous of them pushing me away, and making the problem worse by interfering. Although at the same time, i feel obliged, being the person i am, to try and find out what the problem is.
i'm just getting scared, because i dont know how much i should allow myself to worry about other people, when i keep getting told i worry about ither people too much, and that i need to look after myself better. Although its not entirely my nature to do that at the moment.
Sigh, well i have a session with the councillor tomorrow, so that shall be good. I get the feeling family issues will be at the forefront of the conversation.
Ah well, no matter, i shall go sleep now, as mum and greg just got home... this shall be an interesting week of adjustment.
GOD DAMN I HATE BEING SO ADAPTABLE TO SITUATIONS I DON'T PARTICULARLY LIKE!!!!!
Friday, October 21, 2005
Three Ring Circus
Welcome to my Three Ring Circus of a Life!
I feel so lost. . . Everything seems so out of place, and disjointed. My life feels like a mess, yet its still managing to hold itself together, with such stubborness, that it doesnt look like it will ever fall apart completely. Which at the moment, i'm thinking might be the better option.
My dad is so frustrating, and draining, and its so damn hard! His drinking, its so unpredictable. ANd the issues its raised, and the contention it causes. i feel so alone, because mum knows things, and experiences it, and sees whats happeneing, but no longer tells me everything, and yet it still affects me. As well as the Greg situation, its becoming too hard, yet not so hard i can't appear to cope.
There are days when i just wish something would happen to break all this apart, and i know its horrible, but i just wish he, or she, could die, or go away, disapear, or something, and then i can grieve, and get over it. Not have this constant renewal of pain and frustration.
I feel like i have an obligation to be a 'good' daughter to both of them, and yet at the same time, i'm dying to break away from this life. i just want to run away...
Gregs moving in this weekend...
I don't know how i'll go with that... i really want everything to fall apart... it seems so much more appealing, and so much easier to deal with than this...
I feel so lost. . . Everything seems so out of place, and disjointed. My life feels like a mess, yet its still managing to hold itself together, with such stubborness, that it doesnt look like it will ever fall apart completely. Which at the moment, i'm thinking might be the better option.
My dad is so frustrating, and draining, and its so damn hard! His drinking, its so unpredictable. ANd the issues its raised, and the contention it causes. i feel so alone, because mum knows things, and experiences it, and sees whats happeneing, but no longer tells me everything, and yet it still affects me. As well as the Greg situation, its becoming too hard, yet not so hard i can't appear to cope.
There are days when i just wish something would happen to break all this apart, and i know its horrible, but i just wish he, or she, could die, or go away, disapear, or something, and then i can grieve, and get over it. Not have this constant renewal of pain and frustration.
I feel like i have an obligation to be a 'good' daughter to both of them, and yet at the same time, i'm dying to break away from this life. i just want to run away...
Gregs moving in this weekend...
I don't know how i'll go with that... i really want everything to fall apart... it seems so much more appealing, and so much easier to deal with than this...
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Death Monday... :(
Sigh, everthing always seems to go wrong at once. First Coco, and now Vanessa's Mum. Its so sad, and everthing is so sudden, i don't think any amount of knowledge or preparation can ever really prepare anyone for this kind of thing.
Its going to be a tough week, and hopefully this is just getting everything possible out of the way so as to allow for a clear run at the HSC, but still, one never knows what the next phone call is going to be.
They say that life is a journey, and that the destination is not that important, and i think they're right, the destination is the final conclusion. Its like the final bow before the end of the show, and the lights come back on. Then the audience leaves, and the actors have a hell of an after party :) well thats one way of looking at it. And with the analogy, life is a stage, i tg=hink it makes it a little easier for me to deal with.
I've booked in with the councillor for next tuesday, period 2, so that shall be good. so i have a week to decide how much i want to tell her. I told her this morning about Coco, so that leaves the rest to be pondered. I will tell her, i know that, just i want to figure out in my head a definitive way of saying it. Thats just the way i like to do thing i guess, i like to know what i want to say, and then i don't really care what i actually do say, or at least i don't mind as much if i get off track, because i know where i want to end up once i've finished talking.
Sigh, well i shall leave this here, i just wanted to update this on the latest news.
Ciao for now, mwa xoxo
Its going to be a tough week, and hopefully this is just getting everything possible out of the way so as to allow for a clear run at the HSC, but still, one never knows what the next phone call is going to be.
They say that life is a journey, and that the destination is not that important, and i think they're right, the destination is the final conclusion. Its like the final bow before the end of the show, and the lights come back on. Then the audience leaves, and the actors have a hell of an after party :) well thats one way of looking at it. And with the analogy, life is a stage, i tg=hink it makes it a little easier for me to deal with.
I've booked in with the councillor for next tuesday, period 2, so that shall be good. so i have a week to decide how much i want to tell her. I told her this morning about Coco, so that leaves the rest to be pondered. I will tell her, i know that, just i want to figure out in my head a definitive way of saying it. Thats just the way i like to do thing i guess, i like to know what i want to say, and then i don't really care what i actually do say, or at least i don't mind as much if i get off track, because i know where i want to end up once i've finished talking.
Sigh, well i shall leave this here, i just wanted to update this on the latest news.
Ciao for now, mwa xoxo
Monday, October 17, 2005
not such a great night...
Ohk, the news just in, last night, i'm not entirely sure when, but Coco died. She had been sick for about a week, and the vets hadn't seen anything as far as i know, and Dad got home yesterday, and she had died....
Greg is moving in next weekend, and i want to die.
i seriously doubt now that mum is going to encourage this moving in with dad idea too. I don't know what to do, i feel quite shit, and its very frustrating.
Otheriwse, it seems everything is going haywire... this is the part i hate most about my life, everything is planned to be fine, and all nice and dandy, then it colllapses. Falls apart all around me. Presently i'm struggling to see through the dust and debris....
i wish i could run away...
if i don't write again for a while, well, i'll leave a forwarding address somewhere...
Greg is moving in next weekend, and i want to die.
i seriously doubt now that mum is going to encourage this moving in with dad idea too. I don't know what to do, i feel quite shit, and its very frustrating.
Otheriwse, it seems everything is going haywire... this is the part i hate most about my life, everything is planned to be fine, and all nice and dandy, then it colllapses. Falls apart all around me. Presently i'm struggling to see through the dust and debris....
i wish i could run away...
if i don't write again for a while, well, i'll leave a forwarding address somewhere...
Saturday, October 15, 2005
hey hey hey! 3 day weekend!
well the formal was awesome fun! it was a really great night.
It was so nice to hang out with everyone, and to just do whatever and all that. And now you all now know who Matt is, and hopefully you all liked him.
Afters we're uneventful, but enjoyable. And yesterday was spent sleeping it off.
now i am sitting here doing a lot of nothing much, mainly downloading music, and contemplating going into Chats to do the shopping i told mum i would, seeing as some of it is for my grandparents, and we're seeing them this afternoon, and hopefully borrowing the car.... eeek, driving lesson with mother....
honestly i don't know how much longer i'm going to survive here. I feel like i'm suffocating. I really want to move out, or move into somewhere bigger if i have to stay with mum. The whole situation with dad and moving, and the change of plans and such didnt help. Its partly my fault that its had such an effect on me, bsicaaly because i believed in it too much, and i didn't let myself look at the possibility of it falling through with any seriousness. So i wasn't prepared for it to collapse.
i just feel so restless and agitated. Its getting to me, and i'm nervous about going to see the school councillor, because i know that from an outsiders opinion, moving in with dad, is not what could be called the safest option... he had a drink last night too, we saw him at the train club, and well he was ok, just not good.
i understand mum's concerns about the moving thing, just i can't live here with greg. I just want to be with dad... even if he will drink i don't care. he needs someone with him, at least so he doesn't get so lonely.
although i know that it would put extra pressure on me throughout the HSC, and that it may jepordise my sanity, i dont care. I want to help him, and even if that means post poning my own agenda for a while, i dont mind, as long as it means i have him in my life that little bit longer. I just dont want to loose him.
he talks of not wanting to grow old, and its horrible to hear, but its impossible to miss, but thats part of the reason he's living the way he is, he doesn't want to survive to old age...
i haven't been to the councillor's in ages, and i'm wondering if i should go now. The trouble i'm having is, i dont know if i want her to know about this... i know she won't talk about it to Mrs Di or mum, but i'm pretty sure she'll encourage me to talk to mum, and/or dad. and i really dont want to do that.
i just don't know what i want to do, or what i should do; especially with the likelihood of greg of greg moving in in the next few weeks. I just do't want to be here. i really would like to run away, and just leave all this behind.
i've decided that, if i'm not out already, as soon as i can after i turn 18, i'm moving out of here as soon as possible
sigh, well i think thats enough ramble for the moment, i shall leave it there
bye all.
It was so nice to hang out with everyone, and to just do whatever and all that. And now you all now know who Matt is, and hopefully you all liked him.
Afters we're uneventful, but enjoyable. And yesterday was spent sleeping it off.
now i am sitting here doing a lot of nothing much, mainly downloading music, and contemplating going into Chats to do the shopping i told mum i would, seeing as some of it is for my grandparents, and we're seeing them this afternoon, and hopefully borrowing the car.... eeek, driving lesson with mother....
honestly i don't know how much longer i'm going to survive here. I feel like i'm suffocating. I really want to move out, or move into somewhere bigger if i have to stay with mum. The whole situation with dad and moving, and the change of plans and such didnt help. Its partly my fault that its had such an effect on me, bsicaaly because i believed in it too much, and i didn't let myself look at the possibility of it falling through with any seriousness. So i wasn't prepared for it to collapse.
i just feel so restless and agitated. Its getting to me, and i'm nervous about going to see the school councillor, because i know that from an outsiders opinion, moving in with dad, is not what could be called the safest option... he had a drink last night too, we saw him at the train club, and well he was ok, just not good.
i understand mum's concerns about the moving thing, just i can't live here with greg. I just want to be with dad... even if he will drink i don't care. he needs someone with him, at least so he doesn't get so lonely.
although i know that it would put extra pressure on me throughout the HSC, and that it may jepordise my sanity, i dont care. I want to help him, and even if that means post poning my own agenda for a while, i dont mind, as long as it means i have him in my life that little bit longer. I just dont want to loose him.
he talks of not wanting to grow old, and its horrible to hear, but its impossible to miss, but thats part of the reason he's living the way he is, he doesn't want to survive to old age...
i haven't been to the councillor's in ages, and i'm wondering if i should go now. The trouble i'm having is, i dont know if i want her to know about this... i know she won't talk about it to Mrs Di or mum, but i'm pretty sure she'll encourage me to talk to mum, and/or dad. and i really dont want to do that.
i just don't know what i want to do, or what i should do; especially with the likelihood of greg of greg moving in in the next few weeks. I just do't want to be here. i really would like to run away, and just leave all this behind.
i've decided that, if i'm not out already, as soon as i can after i turn 18, i'm moving out of here as soon as possible
sigh, well i think thats enough ramble for the moment, i shall leave it there
bye all.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
The Highs and Lows of Life
Well, i must say, there have been some definative highs and lows recently in my world.
Although i must say, there are some that are not going to be mentioned here... and hopefully will be forgotten by those who know...
Sigh, if you read this spot close to regularly, you might remember somthing about 'the happiest girl in the world' etc, due to the fact that the plan was to move in with my dad in january. Well that was a very high high. Which unfortunately has gone down hill rather rapidly in the past few days. Dad has not been in good shape lately, and has had more 'off' days than 'on'. Meaning, his drinking habit is not improving by any great deal. And so in light o fthis, mum said last night, that if things continue as they are, she won't be able to trust him to let me move in with him. Thus leaving me to reside at Chatswood.
To add to this dilema, Greg is probably going to move in within the next two weeks.
I'm not actually saying alot of this out loud, mainly because i'm scared that if i do, it will become more of the reality than it already is.
I'm hoping to talk to my dad soon, hopefully when he's sober, and talking to him. Hopefully if he knows whats at stake, he might find the resilience to pull through, at least for a while.
i have to admit i was scared of this happening when the arrangement was first thought of, cause i know that, even if he can stay above board for a while, there will always be slip ups. And even though i like to think that he doesn't drink as much or at all when i'm around, i know that its not always true.
I'm just hoping that by having someone with him, living with him, it might be the push that he needs, as well as the support he needs.
I have to say though that this is not the best start to year 12.....
btw, if you read this, i will talk about it, but i would rather not jinx it, and as i said, i'm scared that talking about it will make it more real than it already is. . .
Never fear though, if it gets to breaking point, i will get help, just not right now...
ciao for now....
Although i must say, there are some that are not going to be mentioned here... and hopefully will be forgotten by those who know...
Sigh, if you read this spot close to regularly, you might remember somthing about 'the happiest girl in the world' etc, due to the fact that the plan was to move in with my dad in january. Well that was a very high high. Which unfortunately has gone down hill rather rapidly in the past few days. Dad has not been in good shape lately, and has had more 'off' days than 'on'. Meaning, his drinking habit is not improving by any great deal. And so in light o fthis, mum said last night, that if things continue as they are, she won't be able to trust him to let me move in with him. Thus leaving me to reside at Chatswood.
To add to this dilema, Greg is probably going to move in within the next two weeks.
I'm not actually saying alot of this out loud, mainly because i'm scared that if i do, it will become more of the reality than it already is.
I'm hoping to talk to my dad soon, hopefully when he's sober, and talking to him. Hopefully if he knows whats at stake, he might find the resilience to pull through, at least for a while.
i have to admit i was scared of this happening when the arrangement was first thought of, cause i know that, even if he can stay above board for a while, there will always be slip ups. And even though i like to think that he doesn't drink as much or at all when i'm around, i know that its not always true.
I'm just hoping that by having someone with him, living with him, it might be the push that he needs, as well as the support he needs.
I have to say though that this is not the best start to year 12.....
btw, if you read this, i will talk about it, but i would rather not jinx it, and as i said, i'm scared that talking about it will make it more real than it already is. . .
Never fear though, if it gets to breaking point, i will get help, just not right now...
ciao for now....
Saturday, October 01, 2005
first outings!
Last night was great fun, i stayed over at matts, and it was great, i mean the whole evening, playing ping pong with his dad and little bro, dinner, watching a movie, it was fun. then today we went out on the boat with dad, first day out of the season, and it was great. it was just nice and relaxing, and it was loverly! :P
so that is me for the moment, not alot else is new really...... but yeh anywyas dinner time now!
so that is me for the moment, not alot else is new really...... but yeh anywyas dinner time now!
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