hey hey hey! 3 day weekend!

well the formal was awesome fun! it was a really great night.
It was so nice to hang out with everyone, and to just do whatever and all that. And now you all now know who Matt is, and hopefully you all liked him.
Afters we're uneventful, but enjoyable. And yesterday was spent sleeping it off.

now i am sitting here doing a lot of nothing much, mainly downloading music, and contemplating going into Chats to do the shopping i told mum i would, seeing as some of it is for my grandparents, and we're seeing them this afternoon, and hopefully borrowing the car.... eeek, driving lesson with mother....

honestly i don't know how much longer i'm going to survive here. I feel like i'm suffocating. I really want to move out, or move into somewhere bigger if i have to stay with mum. The whole situation with dad and moving, and the change of plans and such didnt help. Its partly my fault that its had such an effect on me, bsicaaly because i believed in it too much, and i didn't let myself look at the possibility of it falling through with any seriousness. So i wasn't prepared for it to collapse.

i just feel so restless and agitated. Its getting to me, and i'm nervous about going to see the school councillor, because i know that from an outsiders opinion, moving in with dad, is not what could be called the safest option... he had a drink last night too, we saw him at the train club, and well he was ok, just not good.

i understand mum's concerns about the moving thing, just i can't live here with greg. I just want to be with dad... even if he will drink i don't care. he needs someone with him, at least so he doesn't get so lonely.

although i know that it would put extra pressure on me throughout the HSC, and that it may jepordise my sanity, i dont care. I want to help him, and even if that means post poning my own agenda for a while, i dont mind, as long as it means i have him in my life that little bit longer. I just dont want to loose him.

he talks of not wanting to grow old, and its horrible to hear, but its impossible to miss, but thats part of the reason he's living the way he is, he doesn't want to survive to old age...

i haven't been to the councillor's in ages, and i'm wondering if i should go now. The trouble i'm having is, i dont know if i want her to know about this... i know she won't talk about it to Mrs Di or mum, but i'm pretty sure she'll encourage me to talk to mum, and/or dad. and i really dont want to do that.

i just don't know what i want to do, or what i should do; especially with the likelihood of greg of greg moving in in the next few weeks. I just do't want to be here. i really would like to run away, and just leave all this behind.

i've decided that, if i'm not out already, as soon as i can after i turn 18, i'm moving out of here as soon as possible

sigh, well i think thats enough ramble for the moment, i shall leave it there

bye all.