Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house...

Well it is Christmas Eve, and what a lovely day its been! went to the beach for a bit with mum and greg which was ok, not brilliant, but ok, and just doing a lot of nothing much. its been nice.

but yesterday was chaotic, but in a good way. I went with mum in the morning, and we dropped fi's Christmas pressies into her from the girls, then dropped in on my grandparents, and delivered washing and stuff. Then mum and i came back to work, and had the L. Goldie and Sons Christmas party, which was good. Dad was good too, so that was, well GOOD! :P then mum and i came back to chatswood, and then i met up with Tom and went shopping. Then Tom and i went over to see Joe, which was really really good. Mum dropped in at 8 to pick me up, but we hadn't eaten yet, so Anne invited her to stay for tea and that was really really nice.

So yes, we have Christmas tomorrow! YAY! it shall be good, we have heaps of people coming, so yeh, and dad is bringing Fudge :D
Then for the days after that i am moving. so it has been and will continue to be an eventful lead up to New Year's Eve! :P

But its good for keeping us entertained! :P

xoxoxo

Revision

Ok, i shall now revise the info from my last post... as i am still moving in with Dad, after Christmas. Which has made me feel a lot better. Although i shall admit, in light of recent happenings, i am rather more nervous than i was, although i do have faith in him being able to hold himself together sufficiently, albeit not perfectly, as i know there will be slip ups. I just hope that things will work better than everyone else is forseeing.... we shall see.

While i am here, however, i would like to extend a huge thanks to all of you, my friends, for your help and support throughout this time. Even with all your own problems, you have been able to find space in your hearts for me, and your offers of a place to stay if things go haywire are just so great, i can't thank you all enough!

Sigh, in othernews, life is good, i am reletively happy at the moment, surprisingly, considering the present circumstances. So all in all, i do feel optimistic about life in general at the moment, and am so relieved to be moving soon, and to have school finishing up for the summer holidays. Its going to be good. :)

i have a car! and it is awesome!!!!! :P lol

luv yas xoxoxo

I'm Fine...

I'm fine, i swear, i'm ok, just because my brother and dad missed the family christmas party yesterday, and now mums saying i can't move, and that Jess's sister has a blood clot in her brain with a 50-50 chance of survival...... I'M FINE!

I AM 17!!!!

Well hello everyone! I am now officially 17 as of yesterday!!! :D i am so happy!

But yes, i am also now the proud owner of a 1999 model toyota Celica. for the girls, its burgendy, which is a type of red.

anyways thats it for now, so i shall blog later! :)

Good morning and greetings to all of you who visit my psyche here.

Please excuse me, i have had coffee, and am feeling exceptionally wordy, due to myself feeling rather light and happy at present.

The latest headlines from my life:

Ciara awaiting arrival of sister Annaliese
(Jessica's having a second child, she being my sister-in-law, and Ciara being my niece.)

Barbie and Ken To Marry
(my brother proposed at his blonde girlfriends , megan's, 21st birthday. She said yes)

Movement on the Forestville Front Postponed
(dad and i aren't moving into new place til after christmas.)

In other news:

Nothing much...


Ohk, so yesms, thats life at present, nothing much happening beyond what needs to happen normally....

Although the book Gods Debris is really really cool, google it, and you can read a free pdf copy. its so awesom, i love it, although now i just need to research string theory...
wish me luck!

-sheri

questions...

what am i doing here?
where am i going?
what is all this really for?

these are the questions which plague our existance, or at least mine at the moment.
i feel really quite empty at the moment....
i mean i'm happy, i dont doubt that. but at the same time, i feel i'm missing something. These last few weeks in chatswood are driving me up the wall.... sigh, i just want to get out, and actually make a go of year 12.
if i could i would so drop ancient history at the moment. I like it, but its just annoying.

sigh, and according to matt i enjoy being miserable....
dont know what to make of that
but with him and i, its never going to work again, which i'm sad about, but grateful at the same time, cause now i can focus more on school and stuff, but all the same, it was nice...

sigh, i'm tired so i'm going to sleep,
bye bye!

again...

i said i would most likely blog before the nights out, and here i am...

so lets see, nothing much has changed, work is cruising at the same level of inefficiency, and i am falling behind even further.

i had a message from matt yesterday... i dont know what i want to do about it, but i'm working on it...

sigh, i think this is going to be a very badly done assessment

ciao now, night....

My time management? what time management?

Well, i must say, this is going to be a shocking few days. Late Nights On Me People!
Yes, i have ancient history due on Friday, and its freaking me out! (i think its safe to assume you can all realise that i have only just seriously started...)

In other news, the house dad and i were going to get fell through, although has since been replaced by another abode, which has been confirmed. Moving around the 19th of December, so that shall be good. Its behind the Crown of the Hill, 2 Angophora Ave. :) so at least its somewhat local :P or moreso than Chatswood. Its on this side of the Roseville Bridge OK!

sigh, and so another move, and another chapter of life begins...
its slightly scary, and i know its going to take effort, but hopefully it will work out ok.

Anyways i must stop this procrastination, its not getting me anywhere, although i'm sure i shall blog again before the night is out...

Later xoxoxo

Recently...

Well i suppose its time i updated people on my life.

Matt and i broke up, i'm not going to say explicitly why, thats just to hard to deal with. Although i think saying too much and not enough happened all at the same time would fit it. Although, this (my blog) did come into the conversation in a bad way, hene why i havent blogged recently i think. This happened on sunday just so ppl know.
I'm going ok now, just still, its sad, and hurts. :'(

On the bright side, dad and i found a house to rent together on monday afternoon. Hopefully it will all work out. He seems really excited about it though.

Mums sad i'm moving out, she's gonna miss me, but i have to do whats best for me.

Gary and i are talking again, for those who know about him, pls dnt comment, those who dont know, you dnt need to know :P

and yeh, well a bit of an emotional rollercoaster at the beginning of the week, but mostly everythings going ok at the moment, excluding schoolwork, thats just a shocking mess!
not such a good thing for year 12! :(
ah well we'll get thru this

ohk, off now, i'm hoping the work i have for ancient will satisfy them.

Boring...

Greetings all. I'm bored, and in the first of three free periods, its getting boring already. But i'm helping Renay for the next two with her textiles assessment, so that should fill in some time at least.

Mum was crying this morning, it seems so vague now that i'm not sure whether it was a dream or real. but hse was arguing with greg i think, and it was like 'thats why i dont feel like living somedays and why i dont like coming home.' it sounds familiar doesn't it...
i don't know what to do about it though i really don't. Cause i still want to move in with dad, because living with greg just doesnt work, and i desparately want to be with dad. But at the same time i'm scared to leave mum.

And then all the crap thats been happening with people from school has been confusing, and schoolwork itself hasnt been going to well. At least though, i have something to hand in for textiles, even if i'm going to miss a bit on the fabric samples. Oh well, i cant be bothered to work on it now, so i'll help Renay and just make do with mine. Hopefully it'll pull through...
The next step is to just get Ancient History done. That shall be interesting...

I can hear everyone next door, in the senior study, they're listening to Luke's New Years music that he's planning. It sounds cool, but i really dont feel like being around people at the moment.

ah well, i don't think we'll get much painting done this week for eco club, but we shall see.... i was supposed to start early. but i don't see that happening if i'm going to be helping Renay with her stuff....

Bye now... xo

Vent/Shadow Life

Ok, i am going to blog now, again, yes i know, but you have to see, this is equivalent to therapy, this is my diary, i like to keep it up to date, and no i dont have many qualms about laying myself out here like some sacraficial offering, because, that may well be what i am. I enjoy who i am, even if i am in a phase of darkness, i enjoy that!

YES!!! I ENJOYED HURTING MYSELF!!!
for crying out loud, does it really matter what i did in the past? i wasnt trying to kill myself, it was a way of creating a controllable pain. Despite people telling me slashes didnt hurt as much, or that i was only doing it for attention, i enjoyed what i was doing, i would smile every time i bled! Fuck, people can be so ignorant to the darker joy of some things.
I guess i am lucky to be able to see the love, light, and good points of darkness, the drugs, alcohol, the self mutilation, suicide, overdoses, whores, the blood, the cutting, all that, it makes sense to me! i felt happy, content in that world. And She was a link to it. i loved her, almost more than i love my own mother... She was something real, something i could carry with me forever and never loose, then she died.
Times like these make me question what i'm doing, and who i really want to become.
Part of me condones the whore, the addict, the portrait of misused and misguided youth, destined to amount to a pool of blood before 30.
The other part, says i should become the greatest richest girl i can, driving myself to success, and staying there for as long as i live, indulging in luxury and doing everything they believed i could.
Somedays i feel i'm living an emotional double life between these two.
In any case, i suppose it doesnt matter really. I think i have disturbed all of you enough. So i shall now fade into the darkness.
The life in the shadows.

i don't know why or how all that poured out then, i didnt mean to, it just happened, it kind of felt like i was a different person...

bye bye now... i'm sleeping...

I don't like it..

Sigh, i'm tired, I'm sorry people, but i am, and i don't really care if anyone is going to whinge about me complaining about it...

I'm thinking it might be an idea to go get a blood test done, just to check to see if it is my diet or something. Although, i do doubt it really is that. Mrs Zinn says i'm in a 'high stress situation/environment.' I don't know what to think about that, although i wouldn't classify it like that if it was me talking... So if that's the case, its likely thats all it is, because its not that i'm tired, as in not awake and my mind is still working sort of thing, i just feel constantly drained emotionally, and exhausted. And food doesnt keep me going that well, i mean it helps, but its not doing what its supposed to i don't think.

I really don't feel too crash hot right now. I feel really out of place, i don't like the way my life is at present, i really don't like how my future is still slightly uncertain, in terms of a unanimous agreement on certain parts ie moving in with dad, and i just really am not happy with the way i am in myself. I just don't know what i'm supposed to do or be. I'm dying to grow up, yet at the same time i'm too scared to leave this place where i feel safest, and where responsibility is still deferred to people other than me. There are things happening which are confusing me, and i don't know how to deal with them. But mostly, i just feel lost. Like i'm a waif floating in and out of a life, that i really don't have much part in.

I'm too strong to be depressed, i'm too weak to feel whole, i'm falling to pieces, but everythings still holding together, like a spiders web is encasing me.

I don't like it....

Invasion!!!

Well having a room invaded with bugs is interesting, as is attempting to sleep on the couch, as is trying to sleep at all last night.... doing school work in the middle of the night was also surprisingly productive...

sigh it starts agian, a chapter i thought had closed, has been reopened, and its freaking me out!
i really want to get the Rob Thomas CD, the sunnies, the words...... the sexual inuendo...
very interesting...

In other interesting news, well not a lot. I need to talk to someone about candles, so yeh. Dad's gone to a couple of real estate agents, and seen what they have in davo/belrose. Moving is looking promising! :D:D:D YAY!

it was a week ago!

Well as was just pointed out to me, it appears i haven't blogged for a little less than a week. Quite a strange occurance.

in news recently, well, not a whole lot. Just the same old crap, and no one to make it any different. Had a tiff today with Nikki. Although i'm glad i just shut up in the end cause i know i would have said something stupid with this heat induced delirium. I still find her frustrating.

Well i need to get a sports note done, hand in a note for a textiles excursion, which is on the wednesday steph and i were going to go see Little Fish, slightly annoying, but thats ok. We've been asked to be ushers for year 12 Graduation, being prefects and all. And i'm behind in Ancient History, and Advanced English, although i'm hoping to overcome that soon enough.

Anyways, Greg just walked in, so i do believe i'm going to go and work in my room for a time.

Until later xoxoxo

Library

I am currently sitting in the library for my thrid free period of the day. Its getting boring, i was trying to do work, but that didn't do a lot... Renay tried to make me go outside with her, that didn't work too well for her either.

I feel really lazy at the moment, its wierd. I really am so unmotivated with everything. Its like constant lethargy.

Ah well weekend ahead of me, its good.
Tonight i'm going to dads, staying til sunday :D its good!
And hopefully Matt will stay over on saturday...

In anycase, i'm going to go...
tata xo

This Even-ink

Well this evening has been grand, has it not?!

Sigh, this living arrangement with Greg is interesting. He disconnected my internet..... and it was very very annoying! so i went and played solitaire for a while, so now i'm back on and blogging this.

Sigh, it seems the longer Greg is here, the nicer, or more loving mum acts. I don't know what to think of it at the moment, so i'm letting it go. Although it seems Greg moving in seems to be a catalyst for alot of new things:
The clothesline on the balcony
TV in mums room
Changing TV cabinets
Rearranging videos/CDs
Mum using the word idiosyncratic
Dinner becoming more bland
Spending more time in my room

Well yeh, that last one is a sort of 'goes without saying' ....

Ah well i suppose i should finish this here, i mean i'm told i blog too often as it is, but this is my diary, and its a bit like a threraputic measure that i take, it chanels a lot of anger and emotion away from me, so i guess its good for that.

Ciao now!

Hot in The City! or at least Darling Harbour

Well thank you very much Mr, Joseph Winfield, you now have made me rather obsessed with the song Home Thoughts From Abroad by Clifford T. Ward....
Its a beautiful song, really, and i have to say the poem it talks about, of the same title by Robert Browning, is rather poignant.

In other news, we had the ETA studty day thingo today. It was interesting, but its just a lot of information to process. I'm also very scared of the extension 2 course, and i'm quite thankful i've decided to drop DT, so it now will only be 2 major works instead of the three. A fact which i am rather relieved about, although it does mean i won't have the safety net, although with the extra time, i should be ok i think. It was really hot in Darling Harbour but, well in the sun at least... Go Figure! :P lol that sounded really dumb!

Matt is fine, feaking out a little bit, he's been worrying about whether we're 'ok' or not. I suppose cause its the only thing he really worries about, i should be a bit more patient with it. Just i never really worry about that aspect of things. Oh well, its all good. I am feeling slightly suffocated with the relationship though. Its not that i don't care for him, or that i dont love him, just the whole restriction thing. I do enjoy being in a relationship, but at the same time, its a barrier i feel like i'm straining against. Oh well, i'm happy, and theres no one else i would rather be with at the moment, so i shall manage just fine i think.

Dad isn't good... and thats all i'll say about that.
Those who know will understand. Those who don't will not need to know

And before i go, a further comment on today...

Ash: I CANT'T BELIEVE U TOLD HIM!!! i can understand, but wow! what an awkward time for it to come out.... :P

Ani: u really don't need nor want to know about that convo

Everyone else: Ignore those last two comments, and ignore anything Ani says on the matter...

Thankyou and goodnight!

Awkwardness...

Well, things aren't too bad at present. I think i'm doing ok. School is being a bit of a bitch,
especially in relation to DT, and whether i want to continue it or not. Its not a matter whether i enjoy it or not at the moment, its the fact of whether i will be able to handle it, and whether i think i can do well in it.

On current trends i really don't think i will be able to, although, i know with some effort i could make it. However with the present state of the class, i don't know how the tension will be broken, and whether we will survive it. Ms Steven's knows her stuff, we know that, but its pointless if we're not learning it from her. This is also part of the reason i'm reconsidering my position in the course.

My only worry is if i drop, i will only have 10 units, which means i would have to do well in all of them to get the decent mark i want, and i wouldn't have the safety net i have now. Even though, without the third major work, and the extra free periods, i could probably manage better. Its a situation that could slide either way really, so i guess i shall bide my time for the present.


In other aspects of my life, well Greg is an awkward element of my life, as is mum and dad. Greg is making a lot of changes here, and not all of them do i like, or agree with, yet i'm seeing the logic, which i hate. Dad at the moment is a mystery. I don't know whats going on, and i feel that he is drifting further and further away from me. I feel guilty about it as well, because i feel like its my fault that he has drifted as far as he has, because i haven't thrown him a line, to even keep him withing calling range. Sorry about the metaphor, but thats how it feels.

Mum is another dificulty, because at the moment, i'm frustrated with her for the whole Greg situation, and some of the Dad situation, but i don't know what i want to do about it. I feel like i want to break away, and set out on my own, but at the same time i know that mum needs me. I'm scared to leave her, even though she's making her own family now, and i really dont want to be a part of this new thing.

anyway. I don't know what i'm doing at the moment, so i shall leave, and endeavor to do something constructive.

Coffee Day!

Well not a lot is new in my world, just the usual really...

Greg has moved in, and i think the appropriate wording would be to say that the tension is mounting. I don't believe that it will ultimatly work out, unless i move out. Which is something i really want to do. Although, i'm not sure if my motives are entirely sound, all the same i suppose i will eventually have to learn to accept things as they are. BUT I REALLY DON'T WANT TO!!!!

its sucks...

i went to Joe's yesteday afternoon, watched coupling, funny show, but mum called, adn was asking where i was, and i swore that she said she was going to be home late, but she got home early instead. It was frustrating, because i thought that she might have realised that i would be spending less time at home now, just for the sake of not being at home, because i don't like being there.
Anyways, that was a really long sentence, but i dont care, at least i breathed throughout it......
sort of...

anyways, its all good, i shall blog later as currently i am at school and need to go and do actual school work, instead of socialising all lunch, and avoiding eco club meeting, if its even on that is, i never bother to check anymore...
OOPS!

Sorry, in case you haven't noticed, i had coffee this morning, and even though it was a really weak one, i'm still feeling the effects now :P

see you laters!!!

Cheating

A topic which has become frequent of late.

I was talking to matt the other day about it, and in his opinion its the one thing he couldn't handle. And i am inclining to agree with him. Although it did make me start to think about why people do cheat, or feel the need to cheat on their partners, spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend.

After contemplation, i began to think, that its the forbidden part which attracts most people. The thrill of doing something they know they shouldn't, and yet still going through with it. Also, the fact that EVERY kiss, touch, or emotion is not allowed, heightens the sensations each of these cause.

Also, it may be that the cheater, doesn't feel they can get everything of what they want from one person. Not saying that either is unsatisfactory in themself, just that one may provide for a physical need, while the other may provide for the emotional needs. This i think is something which causes the most issues within the relationships. That is, not just the fact of cheating itself, but that it is something that is within the person, which should be confronted and dealt with, in ways which can't potentially harm others.

I would also imagine that for a person to cheat, they must feel lonely, frustrated, or unhappy in their current realtionship, or at least some other negative emotion. I'm beginning to think that while cheating is not something to be accepted, its something that needs to be understood, and dealt with, possibly before the acts eventuate.

Well that is one of my speels for today, i shall blog later no doubt, but that shall relate more to me i think, in case anyone is interested.

thoughts for today

My theory is:
Life is something that a mind and body get thrown into with no experience. They are then left to struggle with the already developed world around them, learning to cope, yet coping at the same time.

anyways, that was rather pointless.

i'm torn at the moment... i really dont know what i'm supposed to do. I've noticed a few things lately about people, and the way they behave, and its beginninng to worry me, and i desperatly want to try and help them, but i'm nervous of them pushing me away, and making the problem worse by interfering. Although at the same time, i feel obliged, being the person i am, to try and find out what the problem is.

i'm just getting scared, because i dont know how much i should allow myself to worry about other people, when i keep getting told i worry about ither people too much, and that i need to look after myself better. Although its not entirely my nature to do that at the moment.

Sigh, well i have a session with the councillor tomorrow, so that shall be good. I get the feeling family issues will be at the forefront of the conversation.

Ah well, no matter, i shall go sleep now, as mum and greg just got home... this shall be an interesting week of adjustment.
GOD DAMN I HATE BEING SO ADAPTABLE TO SITUATIONS I DON'T PARTICULARLY LIKE!!!!!

Three Ring Circus

Welcome to my Three Ring Circus of a Life!

I feel so lost. . . Everything seems so out of place, and disjointed. My life feels like a mess, yet its still managing to hold itself together, with such stubborness, that it doesnt look like it will ever fall apart completely. Which at the moment, i'm thinking might be the better option.

My dad is so frustrating, and draining, and its so damn hard! His drinking, its so unpredictable. ANd the issues its raised, and the contention it causes. i feel so alone, because mum knows things, and experiences it, and sees whats happeneing, but no longer tells me everything, and yet it still affects me. As well as the Greg situation, its becoming too hard, yet not so hard i can't appear to cope.

There are days when i just wish something would happen to break all this apart, and i know its horrible, but i just wish he, or she, could die, or go away, disapear, or something, and then i can grieve, and get over it. Not have this constant renewal of pain and frustration.

I feel like i have an obligation to be a 'good' daughter to both of them, and yet at the same time, i'm dying to break away from this life. i just want to run away...

Gregs moving in this weekend...
I don't know how i'll go with that... i really want everything to fall apart... it seems so much more appealing, and so much easier to deal with than this...

Death Monday... :(

Sigh, everthing always seems to go wrong at once. First Coco, and now Vanessa's Mum. Its so sad, and everthing is so sudden, i don't think any amount of knowledge or preparation can ever really prepare anyone for this kind of thing.

Its going to be a tough week, and hopefully this is just getting everything possible out of the way so as to allow for a clear run at the HSC, but still, one never knows what the next phone call is going to be.

They say that life is a journey, and that the destination is not that important, and i think they're right, the destination is the final conclusion. Its like the final bow before the end of the show, and the lights come back on. Then the audience leaves, and the actors have a hell of an after party :) well thats one way of looking at it. And with the analogy, life is a stage, i tg=hink it makes it a little easier for me to deal with.

I've booked in with the councillor for next tuesday, period 2, so that shall be good. so i have a week to decide how much i want to tell her. I told her this morning about Coco, so that leaves the rest to be pondered. I will tell her, i know that, just i want to figure out in my head a definitive way of saying it. Thats just the way i like to do thing i guess, i like to know what i want to say, and then i don't really care what i actually do say, or at least i don't mind as much if i get off track, because i know where i want to end up once i've finished talking.

Sigh, well i shall leave this here, i just wanted to update this on the latest news.

Ciao for now, mwa xoxo

not such a great night...

Ohk, the news just in, last night, i'm not entirely sure when, but Coco died. She had been sick for about a week, and the vets hadn't seen anything as far as i know, and Dad got home yesterday, and she had died....

Greg is moving in next weekend, and i want to die.

i seriously doubt now that mum is going to encourage this moving in with dad idea too. I don't know what to do, i feel quite shit, and its very frustrating.

Otheriwse, it seems everything is going haywire... this is the part i hate most about my life, everything is planned to be fine, and all nice and dandy, then it colllapses. Falls apart all around me. Presently i'm struggling to see through the dust and debris....

i wish i could run away...

if i don't write again for a while, well, i'll leave a forwarding address somewhere...

hey hey hey! 3 day weekend!

well the formal was awesome fun! it was a really great night.
It was so nice to hang out with everyone, and to just do whatever and all that. And now you all now know who Matt is, and hopefully you all liked him.
Afters we're uneventful, but enjoyable. And yesterday was spent sleeping it off.

now i am sitting here doing a lot of nothing much, mainly downloading music, and contemplating going into Chats to do the shopping i told mum i would, seeing as some of it is for my grandparents, and we're seeing them this afternoon, and hopefully borrowing the car.... eeek, driving lesson with mother....

honestly i don't know how much longer i'm going to survive here. I feel like i'm suffocating. I really want to move out, or move into somewhere bigger if i have to stay with mum. The whole situation with dad and moving, and the change of plans and such didnt help. Its partly my fault that its had such an effect on me, bsicaaly because i believed in it too much, and i didn't let myself look at the possibility of it falling through with any seriousness. So i wasn't prepared for it to collapse.

i just feel so restless and agitated. Its getting to me, and i'm nervous about going to see the school councillor, because i know that from an outsiders opinion, moving in with dad, is not what could be called the safest option... he had a drink last night too, we saw him at the train club, and well he was ok, just not good.

i understand mum's concerns about the moving thing, just i can't live here with greg. I just want to be with dad... even if he will drink i don't care. he needs someone with him, at least so he doesn't get so lonely.

although i know that it would put extra pressure on me throughout the HSC, and that it may jepordise my sanity, i dont care. I want to help him, and even if that means post poning my own agenda for a while, i dont mind, as long as it means i have him in my life that little bit longer. I just dont want to loose him.

he talks of not wanting to grow old, and its horrible to hear, but its impossible to miss, but thats part of the reason he's living the way he is, he doesn't want to survive to old age...

i haven't been to the councillor's in ages, and i'm wondering if i should go now. The trouble i'm having is, i dont know if i want her to know about this... i know she won't talk about it to Mrs Di or mum, but i'm pretty sure she'll encourage me to talk to mum, and/or dad. and i really dont want to do that.

i just don't know what i want to do, or what i should do; especially with the likelihood of greg of greg moving in in the next few weeks. I just do't want to be here. i really would like to run away, and just leave all this behind.

i've decided that, if i'm not out already, as soon as i can after i turn 18, i'm moving out of here as soon as possible

sigh, well i think thats enough ramble for the moment, i shall leave it there

bye all.

The Highs and Lows of Life

Well, i must say, there have been some definative highs and lows recently in my world.

Although i must say, there are some that are not going to be mentioned here... and hopefully will be forgotten by those who know...

Sigh, if you read this spot close to regularly, you might remember somthing about 'the happiest girl in the world' etc, due to the fact that the plan was to move in with my dad in january. Well that was a very high high. Which unfortunately has gone down hill rather rapidly in the past few days. Dad has not been in good shape lately, and has had more 'off' days than 'on'. Meaning, his drinking habit is not improving by any great deal. And so in light o fthis, mum said last night, that if things continue as they are, she won't be able to trust him to let me move in with him. Thus leaving me to reside at Chatswood.

To add to this dilema, Greg is probably going to move in within the next two weeks.

I'm not actually saying alot of this out loud, mainly because i'm scared that if i do, it will become more of the reality than it already is.

I'm hoping to talk to my dad soon, hopefully when he's sober, and talking to him. Hopefully if he knows whats at stake, he might find the resilience to pull through, at least for a while.

i have to admit i was scared of this happening when the arrangement was first thought of, cause i know that, even if he can stay above board for a while, there will always be slip ups. And even though i like to think that he doesn't drink as much or at all when i'm around, i know that its not always true.

I'm just hoping that by having someone with him, living with him, it might be the push that he needs, as well as the support he needs.

I have to say though that this is not the best start to year 12.....

btw, if you read this, i will talk about it, but i would rather not jinx it, and as i said, i'm scared that talking about it will make it more real than it already is. . .

Never fear though, if it gets to breaking point, i will get help, just not right now...

ciao for now....

first outings!

Last night was great fun, i stayed over at matts, and it was great, i mean the whole evening, playing ping pong with his dad and little bro, dinner, watching a movie, it was fun. then today we went out on the boat with dad, first day out of the season, and it was great. it was just nice and relaxing, and it was loverly! :P

so that is me for the moment, not alot else is new really...... but yeh anywyas dinner time now!

heheheh this is moi!

well shopping today at the mall was great, it was really fun :) and its sooo good! our eco club mural, actually looks decent now! it actually looks like something its supposed to! :P lol
:D i'm just so glad its all working out and looking good!
sigh, but playing halo with the guys is really quite fun! its almost addictive! :P its just so amusing to go around killing people! :D:D no of course i'm not sadistic!!!

... not much point to this post....

I wonder what these holidays shall birng...
hm well so far i have pianting on Tuesday, for eco club,
wednesday meeting up with joe, charlie and the hocolate factory and shopping :D
and some other things are happening i'm sure, so that shall be entertaining i'm sure!
ah well thats the way of the world at present. see how the rest of things develope :P

luv yas all!

OWOWOWOW Sore Feet!

omg! my feet are dead! dancing at Forest formal with Renay in heels for about 4 hours, and they hurt! my feet i mean...
but yeh, i know of some who disaproved of my dancing, and i know there will be criticism later i'm sure, but i don't care, i knew what i was doing, i intended what i was doing, and that was having fun!
Dancing is something that i enjoy, and if the music, environment, and dress call for it, then sure its going to get a bit raunchy, or as some would say, tasteless and slutty. but really who cared? no one was complaining. and i was enjoying myself with friends.
:D ah well now that i've said that in advance, there porbably won't be any need later, but oh well.

well i have found that playing Halo is quite fun, and should be done more often. :P lol and eco club painting on tuesday! :D i dont have a clue whats going to happen, but it shall be fun all the same :P

anyways, have fun for the holidays people! and all take care!

Ash! i hope you have a brilliant time in Fiji, enjoy the sun! it should prepare the killer of a summer we're to be expecting! :P

talk to ya peoples soon! :D

ITS OVER!!!! YR 11 IS GONE!!!

OMG OMG OMG!!!!!!!!!!
EXAMS R OVA!!!!
OMG HOW AWESOME IS THAT!!!!! :D

yeh i am pleased about that :P
and i have a saturday job at a hairdressers in chatswood. Should be interesting, pays not good, but i'm interested in the whole concept, and if its too much i can always drop it. But he's said that if he likes the way i work and all that, i could get extra. so there you go! but its from 9-5 on a saturday! so that shall be interesting, i'm definately wearing flat shoes!
:P

and forest formal tomorrow night! shall be heaps fun! :D sigh, i at least have my costume organised, but my pirate costume is so much better! :D

lol luv yas all! xoxoxo

4 hours!

Well, what a way to spend an afternoon!

after a fairly sucky society and culture exam, i went to glenrose, met up with the guys, then we ended up heading back to monty's and they taught me how to play Halo!!!

Well can i say i wasnt brilliant, actually far from it, :P but yeh FOUR HOURS of Halo and other games :P it was rather entertaining! :P

ah well alls good, forest formal on friday, should be good, and then trains on saturday, and then work on saturday and sunday :D i shall be very tired! :P

:D WHO IS THE HAPPIEST MOST EXCITED GIRL IN THE WHOLE WORLD!!!!!

I AM!

YES! I am the happiest, most excited, lucky, energetic, metal, and surprised little miss in the world right now!

If you're wondering why i am in such a state of ecstacy, well the explanation is simple....

Greg won't move in to the Chatswood apartment while i'm still here, because he's realised it won't work. Dad's lease on his apartment expires in January, and he is starting to look for a place to move into once that finishes up. Can you see where this is going? yes? no? oh well...

In January, I, me, yes ME! will be moving into a place with MY DADDY DARLING DEAREST to live for at least a year! :D I AM SO HAPPY!!!

i must say i have not been this consistantly happy in a long long time,its feeling quite odd! Oh well, I AM NOT COMPLAINING!!!!

Thankyou thankyou yes i will warn you now that i am due to be hyper for quite a while now!

HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY!

LUV YAS ALL!!! XOXOXO+XO'S FOR DADDY!

... what was i going to say?

i forget what i was going to blog about today...

oh well i think i'll update My Notebook later on, with the next installment of 'December' although i'm not sure... i'm about to start on chapter 3 though...
http://sacrednotes.blogspot.com

luv ya's!
-sheri
:P

Wooohoo! Three Day Weekend!!!

Well i'm happy i don't have exams on monday, so i get, as the title states, a three day weekend! I'm cheering!
:P

And for those of you who said you would read my story, well i decided to start posting it on my other blog, so if you would like to read the first installment, go to http://sacrednotes.blogspot.com, and you shall find the first page of "December" as is its working title.

Bear in mind though it does feature vampires, but i chose not to portray them stereotypically, as i figured that had been done before. So i shall let you go, and if you chose, delve into the darker realms of my imagination.

Luv Sheri
xoxoxo

5 down 3 to go!

well DT was fairly easy, although i am annoyed that there was nothing in it about the elements of design, but i'm not fussed with it otherwise.

in anycase, going to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory again on monday. :D
'Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka, the amazing choclatier'
:D yay! :P
shall be good, in the mean time, i'm still deciding whether anyone is going to read my story in its present state....

4 down 4 to go!

exams are on the downhill run now, only 4 to go. Design and Technology tomorrow, not really looking forward to it, but not much i can do about it. Apart from study of course, but as if i would do something stupid like that! :P

i'm seeing my daddy darling dearest on saturday! :D and i should be staying til sunday. :) and seeing Matt i hope. :) i mad sure i was seeing him after my day with dad, cause as i havent seen dad in ages, i figured if i had someone else there on the saturday i woud get really snappy, and i have work that night anyway, so i need to be awake for that, not half asleep :P

if u don't get it, don't ask! :P ;)
yeh thats right! get ur mind out of the gutter!

sigh, i'm in the process of writing a story, novel more like, and i haven't worked on it in ages. I'm trying to get back into it, but i really want someone to read it and give me their opinion, except i have no idea who, and i dont really want anyone to read it yet.. :S sigh decisions.....
:P

oh well i will work it out eventually
i hope :P
:D YAY!

3 down 5 to go...

well i get the feeling that yesterdays ancient history exam, and todays english exam were a bit of a flop...

otherwise everything is running smmothly... as far as i can tell anyway.

1 down 7 to go!

And they're off and racing!
Exams are underway, and i honestly dont feel that worried about it...
well no, i do, Ancient History is freaking me out, and its tomorrow, and i have no clue about Tutankhamun's Tomb! oh well i guess i'll survive, i've made it this far in life, i may as well keep going. its not like these exams count for much...

sigh, and so it goes on. time now to study...

falling apart

well life has its ways of amusing us doesn't it?!

the UN Sinners, like all good democratic realtions, are at each others throats. I'm expecting a whole lot of yelling and screaming tomorrow. i know its not a wonderful thing to be fighting, but to me this whole situation seems very theraputic. Not for the fact its hurting everyones feelings etc, its just good to get alot of stuff out in the open.
i know i sound like a horrible whingeing bitch most of the time, and i am so sorry to everyone who listens to me, i'm trying not to whinge so much, and i think its working, but remind me when its not.
as for the whole group falling apart thing, i have to say i think its only been since we've moved away from the oval that alot of it started. i also think that everyone is just growing up more, and becoming something of who they want to be as adults.
not that anyone wants the Sinners to break apart, that would just be horrible, but all the same, even if it does happen, it doesnt necissarily mean we won't be friends. anyways i dont know where else to go from here with this line of thought....

:D smily face!

i dont mean to be maiking this irregular blogging a habit...

OMG I FUCKED UP MY ENGLISH PRESENTATION SO BADLY!!!!
i felt so aweful standing up there, but i had to keep going, i felt like i was going to feint! it was terrible, i haven't had that feeling since like yr 6! it was rather scary!

oh well thats in the past, cant change it now.

sigh, i really dont get people some days.

yes this is going to be a rather pointless ramble of a blog entry.

oh well thats the way it goes sometimes.......
i am seriously seeing the world through rose coloured glasses at the moment... :P no specific reason, HONEST!!! :P
gotta love those boys :p
:D dont ask unless you already know!!!

'i dont mind as long as you continue to make me smile more than anyone else'
:D:D:D:D:D no i'm not happy at the moment!

wow, its almost a week!

Wow, i just realised that i just went for about 4 days without bloging! Thats a big thing for me! :O wow!

anyways, despite being slightly out of it at the moment, everything is cruising along reletively ok. Elected captains today, David and Ashley got captain, with Jess and Meihgan, James and Nick as vice captains. They should do a brilliant job, and i'm happy with the outcome, although i would have preffered Jarryd over Nick, but thats just my opinion.

We had the bra workshop yesterday, which was cool. I'm actually really pleased with the way mine turned out, especially considering that it was my first attempt at bra making. :P

wednesday we lost at basketball, and well i mean it was fun season. i enjoyed it. so the final game really wasnt that important, but i'm still annoyed at the people who shirked their responsibilities.

anyways, we can't change the past. only i wish we could change the predetirmined future! I'm so not going to have my assessment for extention english ready!!! :P nor am i going to get my textiles assessment done in time either, but we shall see. Maybe i will. Maybe... if i work bloody hard all weekend, i might have a chance...

speaking of which i should probably go, and see about that working hard idea...
luv yas! xoxoxo

What A Weekend!!!

WOW this weekend was so awesom!

well first off matt came round on saturday, it was so good to see him and hang out and everything :)

then we had movie night at kirsty's whichh was cool, and insightful as well. CONSTANTINE IS SUCH A COOL MOVIE! :P sorry, had to say that! :P didnt get to sleep til about 5 in the morning though!

then on Sunday, my uncle Bruce came picked me up from Kirsty's, only catch i wa still asleep, and i didnt have my phone on, and so yeh, mum called and stuff happened, and sp he went off and came back about an hour later to pick me up. From there we went to his brother in laws for a little barbecue get together thing, which was really fun. Then about 3 we head back to Chatswood, and hung out here for a bit. until mum got home, but it was really cool to have a chat and all, so yeh.

then went off to work, which was odd, seeing as despite a serious lack of sleep i was quite hyper! :P so yes, that was good actually and resulted in a very very enjoyable weekend. :)

luv ya's!

I'm sorry, so sorry, why do we live like this?

Well I don’t know how I end up doing it some day’s. It seemed there wasn’t one person I didn’t annoy today! I don’t know exactly how I did it with some, and I don’t know how to go about fixing things.

Sigh, I’m sorry everyone. I really am. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m over reacting and doing stupid things.

While I am here, I have a few things I would like to say, even though I will say them in person soon enough:

I’m sorry to Kelly, firstly for going out with Matt without checking with you first, and for going with Marvin to his formal, even as an extra, and also for going to Damien's formal, and inviting him to ours, i wasn't thinking.

I’m sorry to Nikki, for biting you today, I over reacted, and I didn’t intend to hurt you.

I’m sorry to Ash, not for any particular reason, I just felt guilty today as if I had done something wrong.

And I’m sorry to everyone for the way I complain and whine, even though Nikki seems to be the only one who mentions it. I know it’s annoying for everyone to continually hear my crap, but I do listen to you guys most of the time.

I know that I haven’t been the most saintly person throughout my life. But I try to do what’s right, I don’t know if that’s helped things or made it harder, but it’s the way I’ve tried to live.

Everyone knows my situation with family. I’m sure you’ve heard it often enough and I would have hoped that that should lend some understanding to why I’m a bit off some days. Although I understand that sometimes it’s not that obvious or easy.

I shall leave this blog here, and hope for the best.

Life Goes On...

The time has come once more for me to add to my blog.

I don’t know exactly what about, but as I am obsessed with writing ceaseless babble, I’m sure I shall fill the space somehow.

Actually my internet is being a bitch, and not cooperating, so I’m writing this in a word document, hence why there are less typos than usual! WOW! Anyway, I don’t entirely understand my computers problem, I know it’s entitled to have its own private issues that it may not necessarily want to share, but all the same, it’s no reason for it to take it out on its defenceless users!

Sigh; oh well back to sitting uselessly in front of a box!

In any case, other news is not as forthcoming; however, I am beginning to see the group I’m in fray. Not so much in a bad way, just we’re all growing into ourselves, and the group we’re in is not as accommodating for that growth as we would like it to be. That’s just my spin on it though; naturally everyone else is going to have different ideas about it all. Although I do feel that the little group we used to have, has really been abolished. Everyone is going in what direction feels right for them, and I’m beginning to feel a sort of melancholy looking back at how we were compared to how we are now. Not that I regret the changes, just it shows how much we have grown, and proves that change is inevitable, and no one is constant.

On that note, I am seeing Matt on Saturday, which I am very happy about. It will be good to see him again; I admit I have missed him. Although I’m beginning to think I don’t want him back as much as I used to. However, I’m sure that it will all come crashing down when I see him again, and when he goes I will have to pull out the bricks and mortar again. Damn those flimsy emotional brick walls!

Sigh, well in other news, I told mum I hated Greg. I don’t know exactly how she took it, but I got and ‘oh’ response. I knew that she didn’t realise, and if she had she wouldn’t have said yes to the moving in thing as quickly as she did, which she did begin to talk about, except I stopped her, seeing as I didn’t want to hear it, and I knew pretty much what was going to be said. I don’t know how that went either, but I’m guessing not too bad. My mother infuriates me some days.

Well what else do you do about life? Nothing much can be done. Even for your nearest and dearest, sometimes love isn’t enough to keep them above board. Even with the best intention things go wrong sometimes.

As I said, I didn’t know what I was going to blog about, but as it happens I have almost filled an A4 page in word. I think its now time for me to go.

Its now time for sleep and recuperation.

wheres the wall?

well life is an interesting concept, somehow i think mine is doomed.

Mr b was trying to have a go at me for not going to class yesterday, and i dont know, i just got annoyed that he wouldnt just accept the fact that i didnt go because i didnt have my stuff and too tired etc, so i just walked out. Not such a good idea in retrospect, but all the same i'm working on the wall, but it keeps getting knowcked down. a useless irrelevant metaphor, but i don't care.

in anycase, i honestly have no idea what i want at the moment, in relation to anything really... my life is just confusing me at the moment, i know i worry too much, an i know i need to stress less, but the trouble is, alot of those traits make up part of me. anyways, i guess they're part of me that i should learn to live without.

'Oh these men these men!' in the words of Desdemona. a sentiment which i share at present... i wont say any more than that on the matter.

and where are the damn bricks, i need to build this bloody wall! why does he have to be so irritating as to come along and knock it down just as i think i'm finishing it and blocking him out!

sigh, some things in life will never make sense entirely will they? oh well, not really an issue, its fun all the same :P

and now moving on to other news. well there isnt much other news... just that today we had the leadership day, and i didnt go to extention english afterwards, which i'm going to get crap for tomorrow, bu i really don't care... :P

and i got stood up again! well not really, just joe didnt show up for lunch today... but thats ok i guess, i'll just have to kick his butt later :P jks

so yes, that was my day, it was so good to sleep in though!!! :P

so we shall see what the rest of the week brings :P

luv yas! xoxoxo

spare me the details!

well lets see, squeaking bed syndrome continues, if u don't understand that then don't ask, i am not going to explain it to you if i a havent already.

so yes moving on, three assessments for textiles in two periods! whoah! way to much! :P
anyways thats something i'll get over.

sigh, some people confuse me, and i dont like it seeing as then i am not in any sort of control or whatever, but yeh anyways. if your thinking that i'm talking about you, you're probably wrong.. :P

luv yas! xoxoxo

sigh, sleep needed!

what a day, what a day, well TAS parade re-run this morning was good, sortof. a bit chaotic as usual, but otherwise good.
in the meantime, things are going ok, excluding that ancient history assignment, society and culture, and the fact that gregs moving in in 4 weeks, and that i really should talk to mum, but i really dont want to.
other than that things are good! :P
i guess that about sums things up for the moment, and just so everyone gets the point.. IT IS NOT A HICKIE ON MY NECK! IT IS ECZMA!!!
i even had a teacher ask me!!! *o* so shocking!
sleep now!

TAS! AHHH STRESS OUT!

hello world!? how is everybody on this bright and sunny day!
well i must say i am absolutly exhausted, and i am feeling exceptionally shitty!
so yes, well the TAS parade went as well as could be expected. despite a few mix ups with dance moves and music, it all went comparitavely well to last year and such.
in anycase i must go, and do the tas parade again, for the mimosa kids.
oh yay!

words, colour and movement!

another envetful day has passed me by in the lead up to TAS. rehersals at lunch went as well as can be expected, and i have to go in early tomorrow as well, so shall be fun. The night will go well if all goes according to plan. Heres hoping!

otherwise life is ok at the moment, i have the train exhibition this weekend which shall be good. I GET TO SEE MY DADDY!!! :D
i'm happy :)

its exzma!

well my computer is a skanky hoe!
and life is cruisey once more, except the TAS parade, and that ancient history thing, and the whole extension english stuff, oh and the society and culture assignment i had forgotten about... :P
but yes otherwise things are going ok
i do not have a hickie on my neck... it is eczma or other associated dermological mishap.
anyways
moving on
lets get away from this place
i want to run and hide
in some new escape
long ago
far away
i knew of a place
that could take my pain away.

http://itsallachemicalreaction.blogspot.com

Distracting and Intimidating... hmmm......

Well lets see, whats new and interesting?

Well lets start with last night!
:P yes, it was Joe's movie/pool night, and it was quite entertaining. Pool had to be my highlight, and beating both Tom, and Joe at it. I'm not sure ifi beat Ryan or not, i dont think i did, but i cant quite remember. Which i can happily attribute to the two and a half shot glasses of Jim Beam which i consumed on an empty stomach in less than an hour. The not so good part of that was the minute or so massive headspin. and ensueing headache, but that subsided, and i felt quite alright.
Another interesting thing to come out of the night, we were watching the movioe Battle Royale, quite an odd flick, and i would have sat through it had it not been for the pool table... in anycase, ended up playing with Tom and Ryan, after both their girlfriends had already left. So anyway, we were playing, and somehow it came up in conversation that i was distracting to males, and intimidating to females, i am yet to grasp exactly how it all fits. But according to Ryan, Nadia left because she got annoyed at him for 'checking me out'. Which he hadn't. It was a misunderstanding, when he spent too long trying to read my shirt. Which took him longer than usual due to his slightly intoxicated state. so yes, thats the verdict on moi. Distracting and Intimidating....

in other news, the TAS display is coming along, its an odd thing to organise, and i'm not 100% sure that its going to work as planned, but i'm hoping feverishly that it will.

so otherwise not much has happened, i have spent most of my weekend beading my skirt for the TAS parade, quite a chore might i add. and i still have the zip and waist band to go.

so i shall leave this entry here, and i shall return with more updates on my life later :)

'so you had a bad day, you've taken one down, you sing a sad song just to turn it aroundyou say you don't know, you tell me don't lie, you work at the smile and you go for a ride'

:D

Thursdays..

i haven't blogged in a while, not alot new has happened.
same old crap with greg, family issues, starting to worry about dad a bit, cause its getting to the stage where if he's not careful he'll slip up agian, and fall back into the hole where he was...
the usual guy troubles are there, and things with school work are trying to sort themselves out, with some assistance from me, so i guess its all going ok at the moment. i just wish i didnt get so tired....
Ballet was good tonight, just i was very very rusty, it has been so long since i have gone to a class! its been about 6 weeks i think! :P
in any case TAS display coming up! :D shall be good, provided everything runs smoothly :P which i very much doubt, but in anycase we can hope.
i shall keep you posted on anything new and interesting that happens,
but the highlight of today, which i just remembered, would have to be 'causing' mr barnes to drop his coffee mug which rob and the other guys gave him for his birthday :P it was quite amusing, as nikki and i found, even though we really had nothing to do with it at all! :P *cough cough*
in any case, see you all later
xoxoxo

Love, Poetry, Lies and Deceit.

Somedays i just feel like i should run off with some random, and build my own life as an uneducated tramp, have three kids, and live a precarious existance between life and death.
6 weeks approx. Thats what i have left of my remaining life. That is the approximate time span from now until judgement day.
Yes, it is official, Greg is moving in.

time is slipping by like mud, i really don't know where i'm going at the moment... i really feel like moving in with dad, but i've thought about it, and it really wouldn't work. its not that it would be to hard, or too far to travel, or anything like that. Just i don't think he would be able to cope.

I guess once tomorrow comes it will be alot better, seeing as its back to school and all that. once i get my normal routine back i'll feel alot better. And i'm seeing the councillor again on tuesday,. so this shall be a nice little update.

the only upside to all this i can find at the moment is the emotional fodder it has presented me with, which i can mould and play with until it forms words which please me, not only greg though, many things have contributed to the mess.

http://sacrednotes.blogspot.com

Jindabyne!

I shall say on thing to start this off...

BOOOOOYAAAA!!!!

:D Jindabyne was the best fun! Skiing for 5 days was so cool! And i discovered i wasn't half bad at it :) yesterday on our last day, i was able to go down high noon in our lesson, i felt so proud and hyped after :D

food was ok, and the company was cool, despite a few minor hiccups every here and there.

the first sunday night was just a sort of info thing, getting to know the set up with a few games in between. Monday was a trivia night, with challenges. the last being the one i ended up getting up for seeing as no one else in the team would. Hula-hooping.... i was up against dancers as well, and so i went first, and i thought i would get thrashed with 23 rotations, no one else even came close, i was so freaked! :P was fun though, although the wise cracks afterwards about my hips.. well yes, enough said. tuesday night we did this thing called jindy markets, and each group set up a stall, and ran it, with jindy dollars. we did a massage thing, standing there all night giving massages, tiring but ... hmm quite fun, especially considering some of the clientele :P wednesday night was a movie night, and we think someone let us watch a pirated movie, seeing as it was Madagascar... enjoyable nonetheless. and thursday night was our last night there, and it was a disco night. so much fun, and so exhausting :P limbo really made my thighs hurt :P

then last night the bus ride home, good, just really not ready for it. the week was so good, i just wanted to stay there. despite a nose bleed every morning. watched brave heart after dinner at maccas, almost fell asleep on joe, and yeh, generally had a restful trip home.

sigh, i am so proud i got down high noon, :D the week was so much fun. i could write more on it, but for now i won't.

hope the week back here was good.
:)
luv yas xoxoxo

ROCK EISTEDDFOD!!!!!

ok, i am so excited right now! Rock Eisteddfod is tomorrow! i mean TROMORROW!!!! it has crept up so quick this year!!! gosh, i love it so much! if i wasn't allowed in it this year, i would be so shitty!

It is so awesom! i love REC (Rock Eisteddfod Challenge) its is so much fun! :D i keep saying that i know, but its the best experience! this years piece is really cool too :) 'The Cup'

Its a follow up on last years one, Bad Night In Bagdahd, and all the media attention that it recieved.

All the horses in the rac are named after things from last year, and some current issues in politics and society, eg: Bush Jr. Pony Blair, Our Prime Minister, Beazely Boy, Lord Nelson, Bagdahd Night, Refugee, Private School and Budget Cut, to name the ones i can think of! But my favourite, and definate pick for the cup, Son Of Davo! even at 500-1 odds and despite it being called a ton of rump steak, i really don't care, hes got my bet!:D

so yesms, early start, lots ok sugar, and i shall have a different experience of the beloved REC from the perspective of a stage crew member! :D

'We got spirit yes we do, we got spirit how about you?'
'2 4 6 8 we got more than you can take'
'4 3 2 1 we got spirit you got none'
'We got spirit na-na, we got spirit na-na, we got spirit na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na You got nothing!'

Gotta love the cheers!
GO DAVO! GO YOU GOOD THING!!!

sigh, i don't know what i'm doing somedays. Honestly i wake up, and mostly everything is fine, i had a rough time for a few days with everything getting on top of me, and me not being able to cope. But that was getting sorted out, everything was ok, and i could deal again.
Now thats all gone out the window. Rock Eisteddfod was so draining, i was so tired afterwards. Then mum comes to pick me and tom up, and brings greg... enough said?
it just made my night!
well truth of the matter is, he is likely to be moving in sometime, i don't know exactly when, but he is. I have no idea how i'll cope, but hopefully i will remain stubborn enough not to die.
Then mum and him were moving furniture around, and so now we have HIS dinning set, and HIS lounge suit, and HIS coffee table, to match HIS dining table. as well as HIS dinner set which we are now using. its really irritating how he is invading my space, and taking over my home!
I really do hate him. While i can handle him when i'm happy, with it, and not in anything less than a hyperactive extra happy mood, if i am anything other than, he drives me absolutely crazy!
Then school work, a feature article that wasn't working, a few other assignments, one that is already late, and then thinking about TAS display night, Rock Eisteddfod, and Jindabyne, its all going to be a little hectic the first three weeks of term.
Then not being able to talk to ash, that was really hard, and not quite understanding why we weren't talk, and entertaining all different possibilities. which only made it worse.
So all of this came together, and along with the space in my room being totally ineffective, and leaving me no where to work, i broke down. crying so much, i cried for about 2 days. it was aweful.
Then when i went out with friends, i felt so left out, and alone, even though i was surrounded by people, i've just felt so down, its so tiring. Ive been happy for a few days, because ive seen my dad and had time with him, but its still so exhausting, and now coming home tonight and gregs there, its painful.
oh well, thats me at the moment.
its not alot i know, and i should be able to deal with it all really, but i'm working on it.
talk to you all later.

... tears are all i have

well i don't know whats wrong with me... i feel like such a mess, i'm crying at the drop of a hat, and i feel so abandoned and lost.
Tears are all i have at the moment, i feel i have lost contact with my friends, i've lost all hope of finishing yr 11 with any semblance of a good mark. Life is throwing punches and i'm loosing sight of where they're coming from, and they're beginning to hurt.
Honestly i don't know how i have survived this long. the amount of times i have wanted to curl up and die, i guess my own stubborness has been my saviour. my own insufferable mind to never fail i guess is good for something.
in anycase, i am going to go, i'm not going to go into details about why i'm feeling crap, seeing as no one really needs to know. just lets say crying all evening, and a massive nose bleed hurts.
talk to you all later.

i would really like someone to talk to....

well i had to jinx it didn't i!
well i didn't really jinx it, just i said in the last post, i'll survive provided he doesnt move in or wahtever, meaning greg. Well no date has been set, but its likely that he will move in sometime.
Sigh, i think i'm going to go see the school councillor when we go back to school. i don't know, nothing is hugely wrong at the moment, but i'm just feeling bad in general, and things are affecting me when they shouldn't. Honestly, i'm not really in bad shape, just things are getting in the way, and i think i would like someone to talk to. . . . . . . . . . .

some things....

Some things can be so frustrating in life.
Some things can make you feel like dying, some make you feel like crying.
There are things out there that will make you mad, there are things that will make you sad.
But there will also be some things in the world which make you smile, things that make you want to wait a while.
The things that make you want to live forever, things that will make you a dream weaver.

some days just don't work do they? i mean i try to work with mum, and not get too snappy, but its hard when i've had three nights with greg here, it gets a bit wearing after a while :S
oh well i'll live
provided he doesnt decide to move in or anything. . .

sigh, i shall write more when there is more to write.
xoxoxo
http://itsallachemicalreaction.blogspot.com

well that puts it in perspective

you know, i was actually going to get worried about this whole debacle with cassy, and the leaking of certain facts to the school public, but now i've realised what my priorities really are.

I saw my dad today, saw him yesterday as well, but today made the difference. He is not in good shape, and it breaks my heart everytime i see him now. Last night, he had a drink, but then went to see someine, and as he was going through a roundabout in concord, he collided with a prado. He's ok, physically, but he had to drive the car to the factory, and leave it there. and honestly it was such a scare for him, and me and mum. We had been expecting something like this to happen, but it was one of those things for when times got worse.

So today, seeing him, he's become really quite depressed, he feels, and looks so lost, its hurting so much, and today just made me realise, how stupid the games people at our age play! i mean, really i've never been one for playing games with people, i just get to the point most of the time and say whatever i want, or need to say, at least thats what i do now. i really don't need to worry about what other people say, or do, nor what they want me to say or do, becasue its not what really matters! i can do whatever the hell i like, and provided its the right thing to do, in my mind, then i don't need to listen to what everyone else says.

Life is the fragile balace between conception and destruction. Living along that blade, i have cut myself so many times, when i have nearly fallen. But pulling through, you realise what an impact some people have on your life.

My biggest influence by far has been Meliessa, i loved her so much, and for her to die, especially it being drug related, still haunts me today. I have not known a day to pass since her death, when i have not thought of her.

My life is no where near perfect, and i do not pretend that it is. but the love i hold for people is pure, despite their flaws.
now that its all been put in perspective, i really dont need to say anymore about anything.

well well, what can i say?

i would like to start out this blog with an apology to Cassy, i'm sorry for the words i used in my previous post which you found offensive or contradictory, and i apologise for any wrong i have done to you and anyone else in my life who reads this.

i'm not going to comment, nor retaliate further on this topic, as i really don't think its necessary. just as i felt that many of the comments, and other responses to my post were unnecessary. in any case, it is only high school, and is a vital learning period in our adolescent hormone charged lives.
___________________________________________________

now, for what this blog was intended for, an online journal which is my place to express thoughts and emotions to an audience, which hardly exists.

well work placement started without many glitches, besides dad, which in my life is one big glitch after another, and even though now i am told nothing of his status/situation, i still feel it in my heart whenever something happens. its hard to deal with, although now i'm not specifically told anything, i guess its helping, at least its not taking as much of a toll on me as it used to.

greg is still the bane of my existance, as some of my poems describe, disturbing as it may be, i sometimes think i know too much about my parents, their sex lives, and their habits. :( anyways

i really don't feel like saying much more, so i shall leave this here

bye all.

the truth people! just tell the truth!

why can't people stand up and tell the truth?! what was that rule we were all taught as little kids? 'Honesty is the best policy'! seriously, if people actually came out and said what happened when asked, it would be so much less of a difficulty for everyone else.

People respect truth, they don't respect liars and cheats. so at least i've kept to half of that! and the other half, well thats been very few times in comparison, and kissing is hardly cheating, even my sisters agree with that!

i've learnt that lying, even to try and stop someone from getting hurt, doesnt work. the longer something is kept hidden, the harder it is to not hurt them. The longer something remains obscured from their knowledge, the more important it is to keep it hidden, and for it to become t=so important to keep something hidden, the more likely it is that its going to come back slap you in the face and spill out everywhere. destroying the lie, and destroying the person it was hidden from.

sigh, i hate having to sit back and watch people i care about suffer.

mm, hot chocolate :)

yay, today was the last day of school for term 2! its gone by so fast! sigh, such is the futile race of life we run. oh well.

hot chocolate is the best! :) well hot milo at least. :P

You know what, i really am getting so annoyed with all the school social political crap! and the worst part is, i've put myself in such a situation that i can't really get out of it..... :(

i mean, fair enough, cassy doesn't want to have that much to do with me anymore, but honestly, making out that our realtionship is one of continued hate and revenge, its silly! i still respect her, and i even feel sorry for her, and all the stuff she has gone through, and is putting herself through, i don't hate her. I still think shes a wonderful human being, just at times she needs to step back and look at what she is really doing.

Playing games, and lying to people, and going behind their backs, its not the way a person should live, she is destroying herself and so many people who love her. She appears to be on a continual spiral downwards that is only going to end in her self destruction.

in anycase, my own actions are less than perfect i know, and despite all the hoo ha about it all, i am sorry for betraying peoples trust. Although i think the time has come to let the truth come out, and to let people burn for their own mistakes, and their own actions. if someone want to be the saviour, let them, but stop hurting and lying to other people who haveno part in this ongoing fued. if thats how people wish to view it...

oh well i shall write later i'm sure.
xoxoxo

crying...

well i have no idea what is going on. I'm a mess, and i have no idea nor reason as to why. I feel aweful, due in part to the rather painful cist behind my ear, but all the same, its not just that that it making me feel terrible. i am just so tired. thats what i always say i know, but i am just so tired!
i have problems concentrating, and staying on task, and getting work done, its driving me up the wall. i want to be all i can, except at the moment i just don't have the energy! honestly i feel like a walking corpse, a being without shape or form to name, a person who exists only to vanish whne someone turns away!

my mother this evening, when i suggested 'i'm alcoholic' for my jersey, just said 'oh!' and i know i hadn't thought it through, and it was a bit of a surprise i would imagine, but i didn't expect her to be so negative about it, or sound so negative about it, all i wanted was a luagh, seeing as my name, even though spelt sheri, is pronounced sherry, like the drink, and sheriden is even an alcoholic drink. i hadn't even thought about the relevance to my father, :( and i just don't know why, but i just semi snapped and went into my room, and mum comes in, 'are you alright?' and i'm just like yeh i'm fine, and i have tears welling up in my eyes, and i just don't know why i keep crying!

it was three times yesterday after i got home, and today its already been about 3, and i feel like i'm about to start bawling again, and honestly i just don't know why!!!!

oh well, tears shall fall, and die, and maybe they shall explain themselves later.

today...

well i feel just fantastic this evening i must say! i won't go into details, its mostly my fault anyways, but yeh, thats what you get for being tired and emotional and trying to find something to distract you, and then it just falls through.

oh well i shall get over it, and i apologise to the people i went off at, not that it was a screaming fit or anything, but it was unfair. sorry guys. :(

and if ur wondering where the poetry and stuff went, well its now at http://itsallachemicalreaction.blogspot.com

i figured it was easier to put it there all in the one place and not worry about all the other crap.

bye all, if i don't wake up in the morning, just step over my corpse please.

meh, i can still pass on what i have i guess. . .

well this is interesting, i didn't think it would happen again, but i must have known i was wrong, but all the same, i am preparing myself once agin for another failure in society and culture. tis a wonderful experience, although i do not reccomend it. all the same, annoying as it is, i feel i should go and sleep and forget all about it because i'm not going to get it done anyways... so i might just do that. thank you all and goodnight.

Of rain drops and death

rain drops..... i like rain drops. They're born in the sky, their lives are consumed with the act of falling, they live to die, and place no value in their own lives. no one knows if a raindrop has dreams, nor do they really pause to ask i suppose. but rain drops, live and die, and they're silent cries are lost in the earth as they shatter and disolve. They're death brings life, and they live to die, to live again.
i like this personification too. it appeals to me. this natural death with brings renewed life, a far more appealing topic than suicide, and death of unnatural causes, but all the same, i suppose that sylvia plath is not all bad, it is an enlightening experience, and i do love english, just it is a pain in the neck to have to keep remembering horrible things about the person i used to be. i don't want to go back, but there is a constant pull at the strings which direct me. they want me back, they want me to fall again, and i desperatly don't want to go back to being that person, but at the same time, i did so love it, because the pain made it feel real, the selfishness was all that mattered, i was able to die a million times and no one would know!
in anycase i must run and hide now before the squeaky bed syndrome starts again, and i am forced to scream to myself the destruction of my sanity!

reports, and soldiering on

well reports are very interesting are they not! yes i know that mine was not that bad, but honestly i wish it had been closer to the truth. My teachers are all still busy saying that ii have so much to offer, and that i can understand so much, and really are a very good student, and all i need to do to make sure i don't fall down is to figure out how to manage my time. serious! i hate it, its everything i already know! i know i suck at managing my time, and i know i have to find a better way of working at things and learning how to get things done. But honestly this constant tiredness is not helping, nor is it showing any signs of abating :( oh well soldier on little girl. :(

topsy turvy day

Well really now is that so? well i must say life yesterday morning seemed to be going pretty ok! I woke up, came to school, textiles was great, got stuff done, and had a generally fun time. However everything went sour from period 2. The notice came around in period 1. Year meeting in period 2 in the Jan Jones Room. Ok, well i miss out on period 2, ancient history, ok, no major loss. Off we go. The year meeting is the usual stuff that we had to know, as in stuff about jindabyne, and a few other things like prefect self nominations and the like. then the words, 'after this we need the business services class to stay back for a few minutes please.' ok so the first thought is, what did we do this time, which substitute did we piss off enough to have some of period 2 all to ourselves with the teachers. And then it comes out, we have to move businsess services offline indefinatly, as the yr 12 business studies class need miss hillyer becasue they're two weeks away from their trial exams. so we spend about 20 minutes trying to work out where we can put four classes throughout the week where they won't adversely affect anyone. So what ends up happening is getting 2 extra 7.30 classes on tuesday and wednesday. then a period 7 on a monday, and a lunchtime class on thursday! its absolutlyy brilliant! I felt fantastic afterwards! it only means that i had to screw myself and rule myself out of basketball training. Leaving the responsibility to Cassy and hoping like hell that she will do what she needs to to keep the whole idea afloat! i know i should have a little more faith, except the only problem is that well, she has only been to about 2 of the trainings so far! which while good for those two, is really becoming a whole waste of time because no one shows up! i can really undrstand how teachers feel now with classes that don't want to work. Because i have been there every week so far! i have put in the effort, shown up, and organised most of it! seriously, and i can't get that annoyed with cassy for not showing up, because i feel that she is likely to go along, and use it as an excuse to bring up old arguments and say that i'm attacking her just because i hate her or whatever and because of who she is. so really its frustrating, because each week we get about 4 or 5 people including myself, and its just not enough. if everyone showed up as they said they would, and all agreed to, we would be fine, and we would all be doing a whole lot better i think. oh well i'll live, life is not that bad, its just tiring and frustrating, because i want to do well, just i have no drive to do work, and i am always so tired! its annoying, and getting annoyed and frustrated is only making me more tired!

Bus Stop Poems

The seat is cold beneath my thighs
I wonder why its taking so long
Its days like these i want to die
Days like these i wonder if i'm wrong
The bus is not forthcoming
I'm sitting her freezing my but off
The wind around me is gently humming
Giving me time to think i'm better off.

SOPA!!! I'm collecting jokers!

Sigh, well thats sopa for another year... i cant belive that next year will be the last! its so scary! but in anycase, it was a good few days. even tho it does get boring after a while, i still love sopa, i love performing, even though i dont do alot of it. But honestly last night was awesome! 2 v's, pizza, lollies, mountain dew, :P basically alot of sugar, and so i was bouncing off the walls all night :P
it was awesome! HA AND I BRAIDED ADAM'S HAIR!!! lol it looked funny :P and michael/pickles/stabby has photographic evidence to prove it :P lol so yesms, thats news, and i am sheri goldie who is still coming down from my sugar induced high, i'm not even sure if i'm coming down yet, but i know i'm about to log of and go was my hair :P
ta ta! xoxoxo

EPA/SOPA!!!

Well life is just brilliant at the moment i have to say, and if you didn't realise, yes i was actually being sarcastic! :P anyways SOPA tonight, should be good :D i still love it so much, i just like performing really and being part of it, its so much fun :P and everyone who does it is really cool, so its not like any annoying ppl do it or anything :)
so yes i must go or else i shall miss dinner :P

Gothic Girl

More a fun poem for me, this sin't all that serious like my other ones, again its an old one....
________________________________________________________

In her world, there isn’t only darkness
In her world, there aren’t only the bad
In her world, there isn’t only death
In her world, there aren’t only the sad

She does not know her world as grey
She does not know her world as fear
She does not know her world as morbid
She knows her world as her dear

The life she leads dare not be a danger
The life she leads is not a manifestation
The life she leads dare not be forced upon her
The life she leads is thwarted by temptation

She knows her world as her life
She knows her world as her home
She knows her world as her right
She knows her world as her own

This girl has no need to be feared
This girl does know what you think
This girl has no need to be self-conscious
This girl does not know what you write in ink

Her mornings are the dawn as yours
Her Evenings are the same as your sunsets
Her friends like yours, may not share her views
Her ideas are new and her habits set

She respects your choice of ways
She does not care about your thoughts
She respects your laws and traditions
She does not mind doing what she ought

This a new breed of person
This is a creation, made by the earths whirl
This child is to be no different
She is only a Gothic Girl.

Black Hearts Floating

Again an older poem, i started writing it in a maths exam actually. i'm not entirely sure if its really a good idea puttin my older works up here, but still, its done now.
________________________________________________________

Black hearts floating on the wind,
Come to rest at my feet,
They shatter as they hit the earth,
In a million pieces across the street.
I raise my head to see their faces,
Black hearts kiss me on the cheek,
There are no familiar places I know,
Where my feet can reach.
There is nowhere I can run to.
No where a safe haven for me.
I’m scared of what I’ve made myself.
Nothing can bring me peace.
I’ll escape this all one day
As a seed may grow into a tree.
When finally my heart shall rest
And the black hearts vanish around me.

Hell Hole

I wrote this poem a long time ago, and i haven't looked at it in a long time, but yes, i have yet to edit and refine it, but i figured i put it on here for the moment.
________________________________________________________


Wondering if I’ll make it through the day
Hoping that I’ll see him when I get there
Praying that I shouldn’t blow it away
Crying out to whoever will listen, clawing at my hair
Obsessing, driving me over the edge
Leaping only at broken opportunities
I pray to God, please don’t let me do something I’ll regret
Running away from the hell hole that she ties
I pull at the bonds that tie me down
Unable to break through I bleed my sorrow
The blood pours out silent and smooth
It pools on the ground at my feet
By this a prayer for release, it won’t come today
I stand there in my silence, waiting for the darkness to fall
I hold my breath, and turn my back,
Block the noise out, erase the voices
They still enter and spin in my whirlwinds
They’re breaking through now, I can’t ignore them
I fall to my knees and hide my face from their eyes
They don’t know me, theses strangers,
I shy away from their touch, but it’s inevitable
The hands that touch me burn my skin,
Their eyes penetrate my form and I hear them speak
“Its alright, I’m here for you. You’re not alone anymore”
I stop, and I sigh, I lift my face, and I wipe away the blood.
I know that voice, it has never failed to move me
I turn and I fall into their waiting embrace.
I couldn’t let go, this person is my only reason for life
How can they come just to leave me?
Then they fade, I’m grasping at nothing.
Kneeling on the floor, bleeding my life away
It was all a vision, a mirage, fakes.
I lie down on the cold tiles
No one is calling. I am completely alone
I let out my breath and breathe again
But I will myself to stop,
To release my soul from this world
Instead I scream.

name sake....

I'm tired of being what u want me to be,
feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
i don't know what your expecting of me
put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

Sigh, life is good at the moment, everything is just flowing along fine, and i should be happy and content at the moment. Which drives me to question why the hell i am feeling so shit! :( oh well i'll be over it soon.

Exhausted, tired, wretched, all of the above?

well i must say, being sick is exhausting! especially when there is so much happening this week! well basketball tomorrow, on twisted ankle, which i will need to strap. and then SOPA (Season Of Performing Arts) stuff, and then starting on textiles stuff, along with Design and Technology and Society and Culture assignments... :S oh it shall be entertaining!
I had a bit of a teary in english today, i'm not exactly sure why, i was just tired i guess. But honestly i really just feel like i'm going no where, and that i should just give up now. I know this is just me being emotional, but i feel like such a void if filling me, and nothing is going to fill it anytime soon.
Anyway, i'll be ok, not like i want to go pull a plath anytime soon.....

hi! bye!

oh sigh, i really don't like being sick, and it meant i didnt get to see Hannes today :( tear. oh well, i'll get over it, whenever i see him next... anyway school tomorrow, fun, with a cold, but we're only watching a video in english... so should be ok at least. anyways, i'm going to go for a drive with pete.
cya later!

ohk ppl!!!!

omg, ok, organising the TAS fashion parade, its going to be so good! me and Renay are working on it at the moment, and its heaps fun! :P
anyways so yeh, but Ms S has fully redeemed herself from the frustrations of the past week or so. we're doing the 'season' for our tas thing, and renay and i are winter :P its going to be so awesome! :P we're hoping to get a 'fog ice' machine, and it projects the fog, but it stays at ground level, until u walk thru it :) its going to be so mad! :P
yeh so i have to design something, find a pattern, and stuff, and yeh! its going to be great! in 3 weeks, we have to mae this thing :P
omg its so fun! :P

again not part of the bus stop series...

Did u 4get sumthing mum?
Is there sumthing u had 2 do?
Did u 4get about me mum?
Tell me its not tru
Mum i luv u but pls tell me now
Is he mor imprtnt 2 u?
Mor than me sumhow?
I dnt kno how 2 say this
I kno it'll hurt u
But sumhow i hav 2
Or else i jst wnt pull thru
I hate him mum
2 the very core
I dnt kno wat else 2 say
This is hurting mor and mor
I'm sorry mum
This hurts me 2
I dnt wnt 2 hav 2 do this
But i feel i hav 2

not one of the bus poems, but still, i wanted it here.

Dear Mum,

I can't tell you how beautiful it is here.
The lights surround me like a glowing blanket,
The air is warm, fresh, i feel i can breathe again.
Mum you would love it here, i know it, i covet
your happiness, hence why i don't ask you
To come join me now. That would be too much
The world there was too demanding for me you see
Thats why i came here, and why i can't do lunch.
I'm sorry i left so suddenly mum, something came up
But life is like that isn't it mum? especially for you
Rushing around keeping everyone happy, your charm
Always fell on the right faces like it would always do.
I'm sad i had to leave mum, i didn't want to go
But something was pulling me, saying that peace awaited
My arrival. Although i didn't find it i'm happy waiting.
One day when you come mum then i'll know to what i'm fated
The world here is wonderous, i've never felt happier
i really did love you mum, even with all your flaws
i know your grieving for me mum, but know i am at peace
the time is nearing for the gates to close, slowly i hear the calls
My time is coming to a close mum, i really have to go
I know i caused you pain mum, but this is the last time
i hope. Life awaits me here, i'm going to find one
One that will be good enough for you, don't worry, i'll be fine.

poetry

The people slowly pass me by,
I sit here and watch them go.
Absorbed in their own little lives,
I wonder what makes it so.

Humans are wonderous creatures.
Dexterious, agile, gentle and cruel.
A volatile mix of emotionals,
Now raised on hour de ourves once raised on gruel.

Life,the conflict of death and brith,
The continual challenge to remain,
Humans naievity, the creatures instinct.
The gutter, symbolic of the legacies gain.

The rush of life, the people hurry past,
The humans legacy continues, will the creatures' last?

well hi there again, this is not a blog in which i am going to post a poem, thats in tomorrows blog. But at the moment, i would like to share, that i has twisted my ankle, and it is really hurting!
I did it in basketball, in viurtually the first 30 seconds, i foul a chick on the other team, and i fall over, smash my right side, and twist my ankle.... great fun...
so yesms, i'm going to have a hot shower, and ice it again, whilst i do textiles or english stuff...
in pain signing off.
sheri

The first instalment of poetic works from Sheri Goldie

well i said i would post some of my poems and i figured i had better put them in some kind of order or catergory. So, what i plan to do, is post them under the title of Poems From The Bus, as that is where these will mostly come from. In the mornings, catching the early bus, it is very nice, i do enjoy it, and previously i have had inspiration from it all, just now i'm putting the effort in to write it....

so yes, i'm just going to post them when i can, so they're going to be all over the place, but eventually i pull them all together into a collection maybe

I like the world in the morning,
The silence and dark soothe me.
Like an empty canvas day waits,
For me to use it for something.
Dreaming whilst I'm walking,
The earth begins to spin,
Taking me with it speedily,
I lost where it all begins.

well i have approx 7 minutes

yes as i said i have only about 7 minutes to write this blog, as i am blogging before i leave home, to go to ashleighs to go to school. Yesterday was fun though, we went shopping at the mall, and it was really good to have time just ourselves, even though we love all our frinds, its hard sometimes to talk with everyone there....
in anycase, i will blog some of my poems i think, but i'm just going to publish the ones that are user freindly so to speak fo the moment.
Last night i was thinking actually, that it would be funny if i typed a blog entirely without spaces! how fun would that be to read! it'd be like me talking just in type!
likeheyhowareyou?ohthatsgoodwellyouknowwhati'mhyperoncoffeeandihave
threeperiodswithmsstevenstodayanditsgonnasuck!
ok well thats a slight problem, that it won't go on to the next line, but anyway! doesn't matter.
in anycase, its about time for me to go, so i'll see you all later!
luv ya xoxoxo!

Poetry

Well people how are we all? good? good :) glad to hear it, oh what? your not good? well sorry i don't want to know you if your not good! :P ;)

Ok girly but out! this is my blog space!

lol, little happy at the moment :) anyways, despite it all dad is still ok, his slip up didn't actually affect much in his progress. so that was good :) and we went there last night for dinner, which was cool, and scrabble :D

but on to the part that is relevant to the title of this blog note. i'm so happy, or at least relieved, that i've been able to start writing again. my subject matter is still a bit hazy, and i'm still just beginning to get back into it, but i'm writing poetry agian. my stories are going to take a little more to get back into, but i'm working towards it :P

in anycase, that is all for now. i'm considering posting some of my poems, but i'm undecided, i'll let u know if i do :P

luv ya! xoxoxox

I'm sorry for this idea which i started

i hate feeling like crap, it almost feels like its contaigous. Really, i started going into depression in year 8, when mum and dad tried to live together again, and after falling through, we moved in w/ her bf for a while whilst we moved houses. I got really down, and even though i didn't realise it at the time, that was the beginning of my desscent. i stayed off school for about 4 days. and just slept for almost the entire time. Mum and i move into our own place, but it still continues, even though i have a period of about 4-5 months where everything was ok, but then i don't know what happened. I fell, and i fell hard, (metaphorically speaking) thats when the cutting first started. andre tried to help me, and succeeded for a time. so the cutting stopped for a while.
then in year 9, i went downhill again for a while, but not as bad i guess, and i was pulled out of that reletively easily.
then year 10. year 10 was the worst so far. i fell further than ever, and i hate to admit it, but i almost found some enjoyment in it. the way i was, i was consumed by darkness, and i had that constant substnace to draw on, to ensure my survival. even though i wanted to die, i knew even then, that life does go on, and doesnt have to end just because of something small, or big or whatever.
despite this, the cuts were deeper, and there were more of them. the blood was there and so was the emotion. the poems were there, and so were the stories.
i fell, and even though i recovered somewhat, i don't know if i'll ever recover fully. once you go to a place like that, you never forget how to get there, and there is nothing to stop you, apart from yourself, from going back.
i wish i could let myself go back sometimes, but i know what that would do. i know that that is giing in to this world, and forfieting the argument, loosing the arguement, which is something i cant stand.
This is what scares me with some other people i know, because i know everyone thinks differently, but i do know that once there, there is no way that place ever leaves you. whcih is why i'm worried when people want to go there, seemingly, just for the sake of it.....
the thing is, it feels like i was the one who started a huge chain reaction, i was the first to fall of our groups, and then like dominos people fell after me, there was ash, and nat, and then there was cassy, and anika, who while having their own issues, only seemed to consider dying after i did. I know i shouldn't blame myself, but i feel really guilty at putting this image of suicide into peoples heads...
sorry everyone..... it'll be over soon.